“OK.”
“Are we there yet?”
“Seriously, Vicky, I’m not above killing us both to get you to shut up.”
Eleven: Happy Fun Breakfast Time
“Come on, babe,” said Josh, one hand on his coffee, the other upon his wife’s hand. “The city isn’t that bad.”
“I know,” said Jennie, one hand under her husband’s hand, the other on her pregnant belly. “I like it enough, I just don’t know that I want to raise a child here, is all.”
“Hey, I grew up here, and I turned out fine.”
“I know…”
“The schools are good, crime is down…”
“That’s true,” said Jennie, shifting in the wrought iron seat set up outside the cafe. “It’s just… I don’t know. Maybe… maybe you’re right. Maybe it isn’t so terrible here after all.”
Josh smiled at his wife. Jennie smiled back as her husband leaned across the matching wrought iron table to kiss her.
It was at this point that Quetzalcoatl ran down the street making extraordinarily loud whooshing noises, one arm raised as if in flight, the other holding a baby like a football.
“That…” said Josh, shaking his head, “that probably wasn’t a real…”
It was at
“OK, yeah,” said Josh, still positioned uncomfortably over the table and not quite kissing his wife. “I’ll put in for a transfer tomorrow.”
Twelve: The One Reserved for Ponies
Chester A. Arthur XVII and Queen Victoria XXX sat with their backs against the closed, locked doors of the liquor store, staring out into the alternatingly bright and pitch-black dawn.
“We probably should’ve checked the hours before we left,” said Queen Victoria XXX.
“Yeah,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII, leaning his head against the door. “In hindsight, our actions were rather rash.”
“We were out of beer,” explained Queen Victoria XXX, shrugging.
The pair watched as the horizon turned purple, then black, then blue, then purple again, within a span of seconds.
It had been doing that a lot lately.
After the world was ended for the twenty-first time, every single governing body on the planet collapsed in what was described as “the greatest, most confusing game of dominos ever witnessed.” During the brief vacuum of political and military power that followed, an orbital cannon was hijacked by a giant lizard that was, in turn, being controlled by a giant ape and, well, hijinks ensued.
“The sky’s kind of pretty, though.”
“In that ‘science can’t explain how it hasn’t killed us all yet’ kind of way, sure.”
It was all very complicated.
“Well, yeah,” replied Queen Victoria XXX. “What other definition of ‘pretty’ is there?”
Society was handling it fairly well, all things considered.
Thirteen: Classy
Thor and Catrina sat on opposite sides of her kitchen table. Two half-empty cups of coffee grew cold between them. Neither one had spoken a word for the better part of twenty minutes.
“Look,” said Thor, “I think we should…”
“I really don’t want to talk about it, Thor.”
“We can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”
“Yes,” said Catrina, “yes, we can.”
“You and I both know that’s a lie.”
Catrina began swirling the coffee in her cup, averting her eyes from Thor’s.
“What happened last night…” he continued.
“No,” she said, snapping her head up. “I said no, Thor.”
“For fuck’s sake, Catrina. We’re friends, we work together. We have to talk about this.”
Catrina swiftly gathered up both coffee mugs, emptying their contents in the sink and turning her back to Thor.
“I appreciate you taking me back to your place after I got poisoned, I do,” continued Thor. “You were looking out for me and… I mean, I’d like to think I’d have done the same thing if it had been you, but, I don’t know, maybe, in hindsight, maybe it wasn’t the smartest… especially given the circumstances…”
“You should leave.”
“Look, neither of us could’ve known… I mean, alright, I wasn’t really surprised it happened. And I don’t think you were either, if you could just be honest about it…”
“I said go. Now.”
“Damn it, no, Catrina. We need to get this out of the way.”
Catrina turned to face him, rage in her eyes and a knife in her hands.
“What happened last night…” she said, her voice barely controlled.
Catrina was only holding a butter knife, so she wasn’t actually as menacing as she thought she was, but it was still pretty clear she was pissed. Thor got that much.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
Catrina softened, the murderous fury drifting from her face. She tossed the knife back into the sink.
“No,” she said, “don’t apologize. You don’t need to. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I know,” said Thor, “but I feel responsible. Let’s face it, if I wasn’t here it wouldn’t… hell, it couldn’t have happened.”
“I know, Thor. I get it. I just… I don’t want to talk about it. I know it wasn’t your fault, but, at the same time, you’re right, if you… If I hadn’t… Look, we can’t change what happened.”
“I know. And I know it’s weird, uncomfortable. But I don’t get why you’re so upset about it. Hell, I’m kind of… proud. All things considered, it was pretty fucking impressive.”
“Jesus, Thor,” said Catrina, her face turning red. Then she started laughing. Thor joined her.
“I’m sorry I defiled your bathroom, Catrina.”
“It’s OK, Thor, I forgive you. But, please, can we not talk about this ever, ever again? That was… the single most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Man, who knew battery acid would fuck someone up like that? It was like a god damned volcano in my ass.”
“Please don’t refer to it like that ever again. Ever.”
Thor began laughing again. “Did you see the ceiling?”
“Yes,” said Catrina solemnly.
