seemed content. Then she turned to me, looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘Boy?’
‘Yes, Gran?’ I mumbled.
Her lips were folded in over her bright pink gums, her false teeth inside the house beside her little single bed. She chewed on the inward turn of them a long while, head turning to the sky, then back to the ground, and then slowly round to me. ‘You sing beautiful in the choir, boy?’
‘Yes, Gran,’ I lied. I may have cried to save my father’s coat, but I had enough teenage self-respect to not be caught dead singing in the school choir.
‘Boy?’
‘Yes, Gran?’
‘You cheat at tests?’
‘Yes, Gran.’
‘I told ’em, I told ’em, but the old ladies all said … Angelina has a problem with her left ear, you know? You cheat at tests, boy?’
‘No, Gran.’
‘Always gotta keep your pencils sharp before the ink runs dry!’
‘Yes, Gran.’
Silence a long, long while. I remember staring at my gran’s legs, where they stuck out beneath the nightdress. They were grey, riddled with bright blue veins, large and splayed, like some sort of squashed rotting cheese grown from the mould inside a pair of slippers.
‘Boy?’ she said at last.
‘Yes, Gran?’
‘The shadow’s coming, boy,’ she sighed, fumbling at her jacket pockets for a tissue to wipe her running nose. ‘The shadow’s coming. Not here yet. Not for a while. But it’s coming. It’s going to eat you up, boy.’
‘Yes, Gran.’
She hit me around the ear then, a quick slap like being hit with a thin slice of uncooked meat. ‘You listen!’ she snapped. ‘The pigeons seen it! They seen it all! The shadow’s coming. Young people never listen. He’s coming for you, boy. Not yet, not yet … you’ll have to sing like the angels to keep him away.’
‘Yes, Gran.’
I looked into her fading, thick-covered eyes then, and saw, to my surprise, that tears were building up in them. I took her hand in sudden, real concern, and said, ‘Gran? You all right?’
‘I ain’t mad,’ she mumbled, wiping her nose and eyes on a great length of snot-stained sleeve. ‘I ain’t crazy. They seen it coming. The pigeons know best. They seen it coming.’ Then she grinned, all gum spiked with the tiny remains of hanging flesh where teeth had once been. She stood up, wobbling on her feet a moment, the pigeons scattering from around her. She pulled me up, my hands in hers, and started to dance, pushing me ungainly back and forth as, with the grace and ease of a drunken camel, we waltzed beneath the sodium light of the city. All the time she sang in a little tuneless, weedy voice, ‘We be light, we be life, we be fire, te-dum, te-dum! We sing electric flame tedum, we rumble underground wind te-dum, we dance heaven! Come be we and be free …’
Then she stopped, so suddenly that I bounced into her, sinking into the great roll of her curved shoulders. ‘Too early to sing,’ she sighed, staring into my eyes. ‘You ain’t ready yet, boy. Not yet. A while. Then you’ll sing like an angel. The pigeons don’t have the brains to lie.’
And then she kept right on dancing, a hunched singing sprite in the night, until Mum called us in for bed.
Looking back, I realise now that the problem wasn’t that my gran knew more than she was saying. The truth of the matter was, she said exactly and honestly what it was she knew, and I just didn’t have the brains to see it.
I stopped running when my feet began to bleed. I didn’t know where I was, nor what route I’d taken to get there. I knew only what I saw: the edge of a common or a small public park, a dark night in what felt like early spring or late autumn. Leaves falling from the giant plane trees round the edge of the green – autumn, then. It was drizzling, that strange London drizzle that is at once cold and wet, yet somehow imperceptible against the background of the pink-orange street lights, more of a heavy fog drifting through the air than an actual rain. I couldn’t think in coherent words; it was too early for that. Instead, as my brain registered all my losses, panic immersed it like the splashing of a hot shower, preventing any reasoning of where I might go next or what I might do.
I found a dim, neon-lit passage leading under a railway line, that no beggar or homeless wanderer had colonised for that night, and sank down against the cold, dry paving with my knees against my chin. For a long while I did no more, but shivered and cowered and tried to seize control of my own thoughts. The taste of blood in my mouth was maddening, like the lingering dryness of cough medicine that couldn’t be washed away. I played again the bright blue eyes of a stranger reflected in my reflection, tried to put those eyes in my face. The memories didn’t bring physical pain; the mind is good at forgetting what it doesn’t want to recall. But each thought brought with it the fear of pain, a recollection of things that had been and which I would move to some uninhabited rock away from all sodium lamps and men to escape again.
For a brief moment, I contemplated this idea, telling myself that the loss of everything was in fact a liberation in disguise. What would the Buddha do? Walk barefoot through the mud of an unploughed field and rejoice at rebirth, probably. I thought of worms between my toes, fat wriggling pink-grey bodies, cold as the rain that fed them, and we changed our mind. We would run; but not so far.
Instinctively, as it had always been when afraid, I let my senses drift. It was an automatic reflex, imparted as almost the first lesson of my training, the first time my teacher had …
… my teacher had …
