the tank, together with the child and started walking towards the house. Two of the men held machine guns, the third one had a pistol. They were arguing, which made them walk slower and slower. The child took no notice of them, he overtook them and Raf got scared of another meeting with him. Was he safe now or would the boy ask him his name again and finish him this time? How did he know which names he already had and how did he recognise the people he still had to ask? By their eyes, their behaviour, their smell?
Ana stood some fifty metres behind the tank, watching it. They came out and their behaviour seemed strange to her. Because of the noise of the engine she could not hear their conversation but it had to be pretty heated as it looked as if they would start fighting any minute. Only the child was calm and deep in thought. A fragment of normality among all the madness she encountered that night. She wanted to talk to the little boy, to give him a hug.
“I’d like to talk to you,” she heard a gentle voice behind her. She knew who it belonged to and she could not turn around, even though she knew she would have to sooner or later.
“Tell me what you feel for me.”
Ana ran as fast as she could. The tree branches kept hitting her face but she made no effort to protect herself. The monster was sure to be faster than her, but the tank
(looked)
so near.
She could almost feel the creature behind her, right behind her neck, but she succeeded nonetheless. She jumped onto the back of the tank, nearly lost her balance, her trainers tapped on the metal, she did not stop, she jumped over some sort of bars, pushed herself up, landed on the turret and dropped inside without looking back. She fell hard, hurting her back on the metal but she did not moan, just grabbed the handle above her head and pulled it towards her. The trap door closed and she continued hitting the locking mechanism even after it had done its job of separating her from the world outside.
Raf saw her jump into the tank and immediately recognised her even though she looked very unkempt and dirty. At first he did not know why she was in such a hurry but then — long after the door had closed — he saw the naked figure covered in blood standing on the bottom part of the tank.
It did not look as if Alfonz was trying to catch the girl — he started doing something outside the reach of Raf’s eyes. When Alfonz straightened up again he was holding a long, shiny axe in his hand, probably a part of the equipment belonging to the tank, and he threw his own small axe on the grass.
“I hope she knew how to lock that door,” Raf thought while holding onto the handle of his spear. The name collector was walking towards the house and if Raf wanted to save the girl he would first have to deal with him. He put his forehead on the wood. God, why are you forcing me, a coward, to make these decisions, why don’t you give them to somebody braver, who deserves them.
Ana started looking around the tank. It surprised her how small the inside seemed, compared to the size of the vehicle. She looked for any other openings she should block. The trap door on the floor was closed. Below, on the right, she saw daylight coming in, so she crept into the room with the machine gun and closed the door there. The light was still coming in from the left. She looked there and saw a part of an old man while the rest of him was covered in hand grenades. He nodded to her. What was his name again? Bruno?
“What’s wrong with all these people,” she thought, “they all look so sad.”
“I’m a war hero,” he said.
“Please, please, can you drive off?”
“I can, girl, I can.”
He moved the gear handle and the tank started moving slowly.
“You see, I can drive,” the old man turned towards her. “and I know all the names of my comrades, the live and the dead ones. From all the squads and battalions I fought in! Just think, I’m a war hero and I can’t remember my name.”
What was he on about? Another lunatic in addition to the one outside? What was happening?
“Please, sir,” her voice trembled on the edge of crying, “Could you close that door above your head?”
“I could,” he said, “I could, but then it’d be like being in a grave. But maybe it would be better that way!”
“CLOSE IT!” thought Ana. “CLOSE IT!”
“I can’t be a hero without a name and I know how I lost it. They came in the night and took it away. That’s how they treat heroes, oh how blind I’ve been! I thought: voluntarily, what an honour! But in reality they just come and take it. In the evening you’ve still got a name and in the morning they give it to some factory, a road, a school. They don’t ask you, just take it! Today you’re a person, tomorrow a biscuit factory!”
Ana kept looking towards the light falling onto the talking man and waited for the grinning skull to block it.
How could he talk so much nonsense? Stories about stolen names! What was the matter with him? She only took a good look at him when he reached for the gun in his belt. She squeezed herself into the furthest corner, without thinking, just hoping. The old man methodically prepared the gun for shooting, put it against the side of his head and pulled the trigger.
Just like that. Quite a bit over half a century of being, day after day, how many hours was that, how many thoughts? And then, just like that, in the middle of talking…
Ana screamed, covering her eyes. When her vocal cords gave up nothing else could be heard but the slow rumble of the engine. She looked at the body which had half slid off its seat and then got stuck in an odd position because of lack of space. Some sort of pipes behind him became covered in blood but luckily she could not see his head. She was spared that, at least.
Suddenly an upturned skull dropped down form the opening above and said gently:
“Tell me what you feel for me.”
Ana screamed again and retreated in the only possible direction, up into the turret.
Her attacker did not try to come into the tank. His body stayed half outside and he leant through the hole, blocking the light and repeating:
“You have to tell me. I can’t live without you telling me. Every moment is so painful. I walk around on my own, imagining I’m with you. I’m looking at you, we’re talking together, laughing, just like I’ve been laughing for a while now, but on my own, which isn’t the same. It isn’t the same. Every beat of my heart hurts, wherever I look I see your face. I see you everywhere, everywhere. Put your arms around me and give me back the trees, the houses, everything you’ve overshadowed. I dream about touching you; everything else I touch is just a waste of my senses, which are there just for you. I want to see you, to taste you, to feel you and smell you all at once. I want to embrace the whole of you. Oh! Such love, such pain! I can’t go on, I’m not alive anymore. I’m just your shadow, nothing else; not even a shadow, your shadow can touch you. Oh! Please, tell me, what you feel for me. Don’t hold me in suspense, I can’t stand it! Tell me! Don’t I deserve your answer? Talk about your feelings, not about your body, about the world around us! Tell me!”
Ana squeezed herself into the space under the trap door, having at first wanted to open it and jump out but then she changed her mind thinking that was exactly what her attacker was expecting her to do. She could always escape when he came in. But why was he telling her things she really did want to hear but not from him? She remembered the bony boy from the ferry and wondered what had happened to him.
“Look what I’m bringing you! A brand new axe! I got it for you and I’m giving it to you! Love means wanting to give. Just like I’ve already given you the hand and the heart, I’m now giving you this! I’m offering you everything I’ve got.”
She could hear the blade of the axe scrape against the metal on the tank and she screamed.
From her hiding place she could only see a part of the driver’s body which suddenly became lit up by the daylight coming in, then covered by the darkness again. Two bloody and dirty hands grabbed the body and started lifting it.
“I understand, you’re embarrassed because we’re not alone,” she could hear a voice say outside, “I’ll just move this gentleman and then we’ll be able to talk in peace and you’ll be able to tell me what you feel for me.”
The body disappeared and the only thing left was a bloody stain on the seat. After a minute, two naked legs
