radar, the most advanced air-to-air missiles in the world and the safety factor of two engines. And tough? One pilot landed safely with a whole wing shot away.
Which I wasn’t intending to do. However, all morning there’d been lessons on how to work a parachute, but it’s hard to pay attention when you’re dangling by your balls from a hook. Then an hour on what to do if the plane caught on fire. I would be connected to the seat by twelve different fasteners, which had to be undone in a certain order.
And finally, there had been some ejector-seat training. If I heard the pilot say ‘bail out, bail out, bail out’ I was to brace myself and pull a big lever by my thigh, a lever that I was not to touch otherwise. Especially in a high-g manoeuvre when I needed something to hold on to. But would I have to wait for Captain Gris Grimwald to say ‘bail out’ three times, or could I go after one? Yes I could, but I warned him not to start any commands with the letter B, or he’d be flying solo in a convertible.
My head full of worries and rules, I then went to the simulator for a lesson in how to drop a laser-guided bomb, something we’d be doing on the Kitty Hawk Range.
Then came the bombshell. I was asking how it’s possible to study the four TV screens while aligning the crosshairs when I was prone to sickness while map reading in a car.
And Gris said, out of the blue, ‘Oh, if you feel sick just fly for a while. It’ll concentrate your mind.’ And that was it. The next day, I wasn’t simply going for a ride in an F-15. Even though I’d never even held the stick in a Cessna before, I was going to fly it.
The acceleration as we tore down the runway was not too far removed from a Ferrari in the initial stages, but when the afterburners kicked in, it was like nothing you could even imagine.
My head was catapulted backwards and no amount of effort could bring it forwards until we’d rolled over and were flying straight and level in formation with our wingman.
But then there was no real sensation of speed, something I said to Gris over the intercom. This was a mistake.
He hit the brakes taking us down to the deck at 150 mph. Then he lit the afterburners and bang! we were nudging the sound barrier. So far so good, but then he put the F-15 at 90 degrees nose high — an absolutely vertical climb.
My trousers exploded as six g came charging into the cockpit on a white stallion. Suddenly, my five-pound video camera weighed 30 lbs. But that wasn’t important. Not when I learnt that we’d climbed from 1000 to 18000 ft in eleven seconds. I vomited extravagantly.
And as a present, was given the stick. When Gris was flying the plane was rock steady, but as soon as I was at the controls we began to slide downwards and to the left.
Worried, I yanked the stick to the right, whereupon we tilted and climbed another 1000 feet. Two more moves like that my stomach was searching to expel food I’d eaten on my ninth birthday.
It wasn’t until I started to roll it with confidence that fun began to outweigh fear and nausea. In the next fifteen minutes I looped, lit the afterburners and flew in formation with another jet. Well, I thought I was in formation.
I also got to drop my laser-guided bomb… eventually. On our first run I looked out of the window for the target. On our second I used the screens but couldn’t find it, and on the third I simply released it hoping to line up the crosshairs before it landed.
I fear I didn’t just miss the target. I fear I may have missed North Carolina.
But I was past caring. I was also past vomiting. I could think of nothing but going to bed. I cannot begin to explain what 90 minutes in a fast jet does for your constitution save to say that immediately after landing, I fell fast asleep. I also nodded off in the bus taking me back to HQ and again in the debriefing.
But if I ever do take up flying and the instructor asks if I’ve ever flown anything before, I’ll be able to say, ‘Yeah, once.’
Clarkson in Drag
Setting up a snowmobile to win a drag race is rather like cooking. You may have all the right ingredients but it’s the preparation that matters.
You need, first of all, to assess the quality of the ice and tune your clutch accordingly. Should it come in at 6000 rpm?
Or is there enough grip to permit an introduction at 8000 rpm — the land of maximum torque?
And how many spikes should you fit to the tank track? Too few and they’ll break. Too many and you risk the arctic equivalent of wheelspin, and your race will definitely be lost.
Happily, all these details were taken care of before I climbed on board a machine which weighed 190 kg yet was propelled by a 240-bhp, turbocharged V-Max engine. You kneel down, clutching the seat between your legs with your feet braced against the rear suspension. That prevents you from flying off the back when the run starts, and leaves your hands free to counter the inevitable wheelie.
I’d watched as the racers stormed down their 400-metre track in 5 or 6 seconds, accelerating from 0–62 mph in just 1.5 seconds. And I was a little nervous.
But there’d be time for some practise runs before the cameras were turned on. Surely…
Er, no. No time at all. So with the light fading, I straddled the machine and attempted to drive through the paddock. The turbo was set for 13 psi and the clutch timed to cut in as the boost began at 6000 rpm. You therefore can’t dawdle. This thing is either stationary or off like a greyhound with mustard up its arse.
As I was lining it up on the starting grid, the director said I’d have just five seconds to do a piece to camera during the run. ‘And for heaven’s sake, don’t swear because if you do we won’t be able to use anything from it.’ Right.
The lights went green, I slammed the thumb throttle open, the automatic clutch cut in with a bang and Lucifer appeared on the horizon, laughing. There was no track-spin whatsoever, despite being on solid ice. The sled simply rocketed off and the skis up front leapt into the air.
I’d been worried about not countering this properly but in fact it was almost natural to keep the taps wide open and simply lean forwards to bring the nose down. Six seconds later, I crossed the line and, for the first time, began to think. Brake at 150 mph and you die. Turn the stubby, shaved, skis and you roll, then die. You sit up on the seat to shave off the speed then v… e… r… y gradually, you apply the brake. And when you’re down to walking speed you turn around and head back.
My heart still beating like a washing machine full of wellingtons, we checked the onboard camera to ensure it had been working and found in the course of the run I’d said just two words: ‘F***ing’ and ‘Hell’.
100 mph on the Rocks
At the beginning of this epic trek, I made it quite plain that I would climb into absolutely anything, no matter how fast or seemingly dangerous. But I drew the line at white-water rafting.
Odd then that I should be happy to fly halfway round the world on a non-smoking aeroplane to drive up those same rapids… at 100 mph… in a jet boat.
Mad? Oh sure, but you see, I don’t trust anything that doesn’t have an engine.
Jet propulsion for boats is now
The idea of jet power was born in New Zealand when Bill Hamilton who, incidentally, was the first man ever to do 100 mph at Brooklands, decided to build a boat to tackle the shallow rivers that crisscross his land.
Jet planes were all the rage so he started work on the same idea, sucking water into an impeller then
