“There are things in my life I regret. That I’m ashamed of. Probably not as many as I should be.” He gave her a lopsided smile. “But I regret Vegas.”
So did she. Funny thing was, not as much as she had a few months ago.
“Not that I met you. I can’t regret that, or I wouldn’t have Conner, but I do regret that I married you in a ceremony that I largely don’t remember. I regret that I hurt you. I regret that I didn’t act like a man. That I left you in a hotel without a word. With nothing but a marriage certificate and a stuffed dog. I regret that a lot. I feel a lot of guilt and embarrassment about that.” He pressed his forehead into hers. “I’m sorry, Autumn. I’m sorry I left you alone at Caesars.”
For the first time since she’d met him, he uttered the s-word. For the first time since she’d pieced her heart back together, she felt a smal tug at one of the strings. She dropped her hands to her sides and took a step back. The one word she’d waited to hear could destroy her careful y reconstructed life.
“Don’t.”
“You already like me
“That was sex. That’s al .” She shook her head and raised a hand as if to stop him. “No attachments.”
He dipped his head to look into her eyes. His smile gone. “You don’t think you can get past what happened in Vegas, do you?”
Could she? “I don’t know. I’m not very good at the whole ‘forgive and forget’ thing.” And if she did forgive and forget, what kind of fool would she be if it happened again? When it happened again? Sam was a hockey star. His life was huge. Hers wasn’t. “That was a time in my life I try not to think about.”
Impossible as it was sometimes.
“Tel me about it.”
“Why?”
“Because you can’t help but think about it, and I need to hear about it as much as you need to tel me.” He reached for her. “Because I’ve always wondered.”
She stepped back, and his hands fel to his sides. He’d wondered? He’d wondered, but he’d never thought to pick up the phone and ask? “I was scared, Sam.” She pushed her hair behind her ears. “I was scared and pregnant by a guy I didn’t even know. It should have been the happiest time of my life, but it wasn’t. Every child deserves parents who are ecstatic. Conner didn’t have that.
“While other women were going to baby classes with their husbands, I was getting divorced. What’s there to say beyond that?” Evidently a lot because the rest just poured out. “My mom had died a few months before, and Vince was off in Iraq or Afghanistan or South Korea or wherever. I hadn’t seen my dad in about ten years, and I was al alone. Sick as a dog and al alone. I didn’t have anyone. I didn’t know how I was going to support myself or my baby. You’re a man, so you’l never understand that kind of fear.” She moved to the coffee table and straightened Conner’s papers. “I didn’t understand why any of it happened. I didn’t understand how I’d gotten myself into such a foolish position.” She fussed with his pencils. “And I didn’t know why you’d married me and dumped me. It was a very bad time in my life and I was”—she bent down to pick up crayons and pencils—“scared.”
Sam watched Autumn fuss over Conner’s schoolwork. Emotion flushed her smooth white cheeks and wrinkled her forehead. He’d hurt her. He’d always known that, of course. He’d just never known what to do about it. Until now.
“I real y didn’t understand any of it either.” But he was beginning to. His instant attraction. The intensity of it al . He was beginning to understand that maybe, just maybe he’d fal en for a girl in a crowded bar. A girl he didn’t know, at a time in his life that was fil ed with crazy chaos. That maybe his heart had real y shitty timing.
Every coach he’d ever played for, every captain he’d ever played with, had al told him the same thing: “You never learn the first time. You always have to get hit twice before you see it coming.” He was seeing now what he’d seen that first night at Pure. A bright shiny light he wanted to catch in his hands and hold forever. If she let him.
“Wel , if it’s any consolation,” he said, “you’ve always scared the shit out of me.”
She looked up at him out of the corners of her green eyes. “Right.”
“It’s true. You’re so sure of yourself, and you don’t take crap from nobody. That’s kind of intimidating.” This time when he reached for her, she let him take her hands. “You’re a good mother and you run your own business. You could sit back and live off the money you get for Conner. Other women might, but you don’t. You work real y hard.” He’d always admired that about her. “You should be proud of yourself.”
“You think I’m a good mom?”
“Of course. I couldn’t ask for a better mother for my son.” He smiled to lighten the mood. “And I’m not just saying that to get laid.”
She bit her bottom lip. “Thanks.”
“Thank you.” Then he thanked her the only way he knew how. He took her to her room and undressed her. He pushed her down on the bed and covered her body in kisses. He made love to her, and as he slid into her body, it felt like coming home after weeks on the road. Like he wanted to stay there forever.
He placed his hands on the sides of her head, and whispered into one ear, “Let me love you, Autumn.”
“Yes,” she said as she arched and met his thrusts. “Don’t stop, Sam.”
They were talking about different things, and for the first time in his life, he understood the difference between great sex and making love. For the first time in his life, Sam wanted more from a woman than she wanted from him.
Later, she lay in his arms, in the warmth of her bed and soft glow of good sex and two smal lamps. With her back pressed into his chest, he ran his hand down her smooth arm to her wrist.
“You covered my name with wings.” He raised her hand and kissed her pulse. “Does that mean you think I’m an angel?”
She laughed. “A dark angel from hel .”
“When did you get my name tattooed over?”
“A few weeks after I delivered Conner.”
“Ouch.” He winced. “That soon? I at least waited.”
She glanced over her shoulder at him. “How long?”
“A few months after.”
She turned on her back and looked at him. Within the soft light, her beautiful green gaze met his. “Every person I’ve ever known who has had someone’s name tattooed on them has lived to regret it.”
“It wasn’t one of my better drunken ideas.” He smiled and rested his hand on her bare stomach. “It’s right up there with the Hound Dog wedding and that Cher concert.”
She laughed, a lush sound of pure pleasure. “Cher wasn’t as painful.”
“Says you.”
“How would you even know? You slept through it, and we left early.”
Maybe that’s why he didn’t recal the actual concert. He’d always blamed it on the booze and mental self- preservation. “Wel , the good news is that Cher’s had about five ‘farewel ’ tours since. Barbra, too.”
She grinned. “Are you volunteering to go to a Barbra Streisand concert?”
Hel no. He’d rather get a puck shot in his nuts. Wait… “What would you give me?”
“A ONE NIGHT WITH BABS T-shirt. You could keep it in a drawer next to that Cher BELIEVE T-shirt you got married in.” She turned on her side to face him and a smile shone in her eyes. “Or you could wear it when you go out with your buddies.”
He didn’t do that so much anymore and real y didn’t miss it. He’d much rather be there, with his family, in Autumn’s bed in her split-level house with bad wal paper and old carpet.
His family. He wasn’t sure when he’d started to see them as a family, maybe in Moclips, but it felt right to him.
“The guys would probably stage an intervention and kick my ass. Instead, maybe you and I and Conner can go tour some castles in Germany this summer.”
Her brows lowered. “ ‘Old stone buildings?’ ”
“Sure.” He’d much prefer white sandy beaches and Autumn in a bikini, but what the hel ? “If that’s what you and Conner real y want to do.”
