thousand a year, and lived in great style in his house in Clarges Street. He gave us all expensive educations, and had us introduced into the best society, where we acquired the most expensive habits, and as great a taste for luxury as if we were each to wed a peer or a millionaire.
'The crash came at last, our father died — and what is worse, died in debt. Then it was that our dear uncle, the major, our mother's brother, came to our aid. The general had always treated him with great disdain, as indeed he did all our mother's relatives; but the good major was not deterred by that from offering us a helping hand.
''My dear nieces,' said he, 'you will get from Lord Clive's fund just?50 a year a-piece, and that constitutes your entire fortune. Brought up as you have been it will not find you in gloves and shoes.
So now, if you like to go out as governesses, I'll find you situations. If you prefer matrimony (excuse my bluntness), I'll take you back to India with me, pay your passage and outfits, and procure suitable husbands for you.'
'There might be some brusqueness in the manner of making the offer, but we all three felt that it was kindly meant, so we accepted the 'husbands' in prospect, and here we are,' and she rapped at the door of our lodgings.
While I was dressing for dinner, I could not but reflect upon the selfishness of old men in general, and the general in particular. Without the aid of the hearty old major, what a tissue of humiliations and distresses would have been in store for these three charming girls, nurtured in all the refinements and elegancies of life!
Now it happened that Mrs S-, the major's wife, had discreetly hinted to me that after dinner her lord was wont to take a nap, or sit and chat with her and his daughter, and that the young ladies would be very grateful to me if I would rise when they did from table and join them in the drawing-room. I bowed my acknowledgement and promised to take the hint, so after partaking but moderately of the dessert and contenting myself with two glasses of port, I rose up at the signal from our hostess, and accompanied the girls out of the dining-room.
There was always a lamp in the front passage, but the back one was rather dark, I therefore could not resist the opportunity of thrusting my hand down the bubbies of the delicious Lucy, who not seeing what I was going to do, screamed out.
'Hullo!' shouted the old major, 'what are you up to there? what's the matter?'
'Oh, uncle, how frightened I was! just as I stepped into the passage a horrid little mouse ran up my leg.'
'Ho! Ho! Ho!' roared the old boy. 'Hah! ha! ha!' then followed a tremendous fit of coughing during which explosion we all hurried pell-mell up the stairs to the drawing-room, Lucy paying me off with a terrible pinch on a part that shall be nameless, but I felt the nip all the evening.
What suppressed romping, what tickling, what fun we used to have in that queer, shabby, genteel lodging- house drawing-room every evening, while the jolly old major got bossey on brandy pawnee, or snored in his armchair till tea-time, and good Mrs S- and her plain daughter sat by darning stockings. Happy days, would I could live them over again!
Punctually at ten up came brisk little Mary with the tea kettle, and then brought in the formidable tea equipage. Then followed a rubber or a game at loo, and then to bed.
Now I felt in a little dilemma. I had two charmers to please, and both would be expecting me at the same time. Nothing offends a pretty woman so much as to find herself slighted for a rival.
Besides, Mrs Fraser might be jealous, and as for Mary, she was so already.
While I was thinking about it, as I undressed for the night, who should pop in but Mary herself. I caught her in my arms; but the indignant little Venus gave me a great thump on the chest.
'Get out, you little brute,' she exclaimed in a rage, 'I've heard of your doings, I have. Yes, I heard Miss Lucy and Miss N-l talking about it all. As to your comforting that poor dear gentle Mrs Fraser, I didn't mind it; that is, not so much; but to take up with them bold young ladies who knows everything, it's too bad, it really is,' and little Mary began to cry as if her heart would break.
'For God's sake, my dear angel, don't talk so loud, Mrs Fraser will hear you; pray be quiet,' and I kissed her tear-bedewed cheek.
'Yes, it's all very well,' said the girl, 'you think I've no feelin', I suppose.'
'But, my pretty little cove, think of those fifteen or sixteen men you have had; consider, and be reasonable, I am only the seventeenth!'
'Ah!' cried Mary, 'you are only a baby that's clear, and know nothing of women; those fellows were all great hairy beasts of men, much older than me, and only had me because they paid in hard gold for my favours, but with you it is quite different — you are nearly my own age, you are young and pretty, and I love you — look in your purse and see what you have paid me, you'll find I never took the sovereign you told me to take, and more, I put back the five shillings you gave me.'
'Foolish girl,' said I, 'what's the use of getting spooney on a fellow who, you know, will sail when the wind changes, who could never marry you, and who in all moral probability you will never see again?'
'I know, I know,' sobbed poor Mary, 'but I can't help loving you, I suppose, you have a way with you that would captivate any girl, and if you are like this now, what won't you be when you are a man? But I'll forgive you this once if you'll only promise me one thing.'
'I'll promise you anything you please, my darling.'
'Well, then, swear to me you will never marry Lucy W-r.'
'I marry Lucy!' said I, laughing, 'why my dear little girl you must be dreaming. She is going out to India expressly to get a husband who has money, while I, I'm only a poor little cadet, with his pay and perhaps a hundred a year private fortune. What use should I be to her? No man with less than three thousand a year will suit her book; be quite easy, she will never marry me.'
'You swear it?'
'Yes, by Jove!'
'Then I will tell you something: she sleeps with Miss N-l every night, and they frig each other!'
'No!'
'It is a fact, I've seen them, and what's more they lick each other too.'
Now 'licking' in schoolboy phraseology, meant thrashing, so I stared in amazement at Mary, and said, 'Nay, if they thrash each other 'tis plain they are not good friends.'
Then Mary whispered in my ear, and opened a vein of knowledge of which I was before ignorant. The dear creatures were 'tribades'!
'The devil, and the devil!' said I, 'the nasty beasts.' Such was then my view of that most voluptuous Sapphic love, which now I fully understand and appreciate. 'Be easy, little Mary, I'll have nothing more to do with them, now give me a kiss.' She clung to me, I lifted her on to the bed and a rapturous embrace ensued.
When it was over, 'Now you are going to sleep with Mrs Fraser, are you not?' said she.
'That is so,' I said.
'Darling, I give you joy and I pardon you,' said little Mary.
'You're a jolly girl,' said I, 'let me give you a five-pound note.'
'Not for all the world!' said poor Mary, 'it would spoil all.'
'Why?'
Oh, I don't know, but I don't feel for you the same as with other men; and, besides, I have eighty pounds in the savings bank.'
'You have!'
'Yes I have been well paid by the men I have had.'
'Vous avez raison, ma chere.'
'Oh, don't talk to me in that gibberish.'
'Well, I was only saying that you had reason to be well paid for you run great risks with those ship captains, who as a class are low brutes, and often diseased.'
'My God!' said Mary.
'Yes and some of these days you will be let in for a roarer.'
'A what?'
'A pox, my angel.'
'What's that?'
'A direful disease, which will destroy all your charms.'
'My God!'
