Secret Society

she didn’t. She actually started our first meeting off with a story about a friend of hers she went to college with, who went through similar situations as me. Not taking it as far as me and Tina, but he was a transvestite and often went back and forth about telling men that he used to be a man himself. He died of brain cancer, though, several years after completing his sex change. One thing had nothing to do with the other, but it was ironic that he was diagnosed with the cancer after all his surgeries. He was only thirty-six. Ms. Carol told me she understood me and could relate to my desire to be a woman. She said her desire to have children was just as strong if not stronger and if she had the opportunity to pretend she had any, she would jump at it, so she understood my taking the opportunity to be a woman. At the same time, though, she let me know that when it came down to hurting other people, that’s when it should have stopped. She used herself as an example. She said as bad as she wanted children, she knew it wasn’t an option for her to kidnap someone else’s. It took me a little while, but I came to respect her point of view. Everything she told me was right. I just wish I didn’t have to find out this way. I wish my mom was as capable of communicating with me as Ms. Carol was. Maybe then things would have played out differently for me. But then again, maybe it wasn’t all my mom’s fault. Maybe I could have been a better listener.

Ring! Ring! Ring!

Hello, you have reached me at a bad time. Please leave a message and I’ll call you back at my earliest convenience. God bless. Beep.

“Hello, Mom, it’s me, your son,” I began.

“It’s been a while, I know, but now is the time. Mom, a lot has happened since I last heard your voice, and none of it good. Mom, I can’t change who I am and what my sexual preference is, but I can be honest in my appearance. And I wish it wouldn’t have taken a tragedy to get me to realize that, but it has. I wish I had been fair and considerate of people’s feelings, starting with yours. I’m sorry, Mom. I love you. And despite what I’ve said in the past, I want to hear from you.”

I had taken Tina’s advice. I tried to make amends with my mom. Even though she apparently wasn’t going to call me back, I felt better. I did my part, and that was all Tina asked. I wasn’t bitter about my mom’s decision to ignore the message I left on her phone. She would have that to deal with later on down the line. I had too much to concentrate on as it was. I had to worry about reconstructing my life. Besides, God worked in mysterious ways, and people who were without parents were usually brought together, in one way or another, with people who were without children.

Ding-dong! Ding-dong!

“I’m coming,” I said as I walked slowly to my front door.

“Somebody has put on some pounds,” Ms. Carol said as soon as I opened the door.

I rolled my eyes bashfully and let her into my house. It was a sunny June day. The kind of day I used to say I would die for. The kind of day that Tina and me would have pulled up to a basketball game in a hot car, dressed fly as shit, and preyed on niggas.

“I left the office a little early,” Ms. Carol said, smiling, holding a DVD in her hand. “Sit down, I’ll put it in. It’s Hilarious movie. You’ll like it,” she said as she placed the disc in the DVD player.

I took a seat on the couch. After getting us both a glass of juice and paper plates full of sour cream and onion chips, Ms. Carol joined me. We watched the movie until the credits rolled. Ms. Carol said a few uplifting words and left me with some poetry. Poetry became one of my coping mechanisms. I had even started writing it. I wrote a poem for Tina that I had recited to her at least once every day. I looked at her in the painting of us she gave me for my birthday and read:

I used to wonder why it rained.

But flowers have to grow.

And why in the winter when trees go bare, flowers have to go.

I learned how to keep myself from missing them, for I knew they’d be back in the spring.

And all summer long I could play in their gardens and embrace all the warmth they would bring.

But then in the fall, I’d prepare my good-byes as winter was setting in.

And long for the days of spring to return so I could see my flowers again.

Ms. Carol gave me a big hug and I saw her to the door. I went back to my well-worn spot on the couch where I planned to channel-surf until the wee hours of the morning.

There were a lot of bumps in the road to recovery. I had to start over from scratch. I had to find other interests. I had to get used to staying in the house and often alone. I had to release my old ways. I was like a person suddenly losing sight. It was a whole new world for me. I couldn’t pick up the phone and call up a guy and have him come over and spend time with me. I couldn’t go out to a club and dance and drink and flirt. I couldn’t have money thrown at me from different directions. I couldn’t take any more flights out to L.A. and wile out with Tina. I was lost. I was through. Just about ready to give up on life.

Ring! Ring!

I answered reluctantly.

“Celess?” the voice responded.

“Yes?” I was not believing the voice I heard on the other end of the phone.

“I heard about what happened with you and Tina. I…I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”

A tear slid down my cheek before I responded, “Michael, you don’t know how good it is to hear your voice.”

Miasha

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