and it might as well be with the fish that my wife murdered! Hey, I'm not pointing fingers, but she did spray insecticide in the room, which got in the water, which aced the fish. We were all pretty sad, especially me. I took care of Carol. I liked that fish. This fish had even made it through the big Los Angeles earthquake. It was two hours before we noticed her on the carpet. What a trouper. I would have done anything to save that fish long after my kid got bored with it.
But the fish was dead.
We said we could bury her. I tried to explain that people don't last forever, either. My daughter seemed to understand and accept this. Then, for two weeks, all I heard was 'You're going to die, but Mommy's not going to.' This always made me very happy to hear.
I said, 'No, we both will die.'
'No! Not Mommy, but you. You can die, but Mommy's not going to die.' Always ready with a quick comeback, I said, 'Don't make me prove it.'
- -
I'll admit it. When we did the first ultrasound and they said, 'It's a little girl,' I went, 'Ohhh.' I actually made that sound. Like I'd opened the wrong Christmas present. Three people in the room said, 'What was that all about?' My wife said, 'What's `Ohhh' for?'
'Oh-hrmph-I was clearing my throat. Oh, look! A girl! Ohhhh! Dresses and parties and a friend to you! Look at that!'
I was very disappointed. And now, of course, I feel guilty in front of God. This girl is so much pleasure to me that it's incredible. I go to other guys' houses, and their boys are little monsters. The difference is night and day.
Girls love dolls. In a boy's room, if there's a doll, it has no head. Boys love cars. My daughter has car models because I'm trying, very, very slowly, to teach her to tell a Mustang from a Ferrari. I bought her a model that cost fifty dollars! I said, 'It's really cool.' A few weeks later I asked her where it was. She brought it to me. All the mirrors were broken off. But she likes it. She carries it around with her in her purse. Something's very wrong when a little girl carries a model Volkswagen around in her purse. It's in there with a troll doll and some lipstick. It was supposed to be in its little case. She doesn't care about that. It's jewelry to her.
I'm not sure what this means, but I'm already worried.
- -
When I sit back on a warm night, caressed by a soft breeze, sipping a glass of wine, and I see my daughter playing in the yard, I stop for a moment and think, 'There's a lot of pain coming.'
As she grows up she's going to hurt me, without even wanting to. She already hurts me and doesn't know how much.
Love hurts.
Once again, I've learned what I've always known: Women are very important for so many different reasons. I don't have to learn this from my daughter, but I'll have to put up with it from her. And maybe I can also pass on to her some understanding of men.
Men don't come from the place of anger or superiority that women think we do. We come from a culture of our own that's based on certain rules and regulations about how men live. I don't read it as power over women, but women think that we do.
Man will always be an outsider, no matter how much he stays at home, cooks, cleans, irons, vacuums, nurtures. I've worn an apron for about six months now. It hasn't done the job. But I'm sticking with the spike heels.
What I'd like my daughter to be is everything her mother is but with some of my input. I wasn't around for my wife's upbringing. I can't change her, even though I might sometimes want to. I'm in on the bottom floor with my daughter. Of course, she's already a lot like her mother, only more hyper and emotional. And shorter. Anyway, I already know I'm not going to be able to change her either. Deep down I'm not sure I really want to.
- -
Having a child has really changed my relationship with my wife. We appreciate our time together more. I love her more than I ever have because she's brought this wonderful thing into my life and she's turned out to be a marvelous mother. We can't argue as much, though, because we don't want our child to hear it.
Instead, we'll clench our teeth and hiss, 'Just smile, then.'
We never smiled this much when we argued before.
One problem is that when we do argue, my daughter always blames me. Is that the lesson? Girls always stick together?
We're a family, which is the beautiful thing. We're different now. My daughter writes letters in school that say, 'I love my mommy. I love my daddy. I love that we're a family.' And I'm beginning to love it. I'm beginning to love the three of us doing things together. I love the dynamic we have. I wish I had three children already. I wish two were a lot older. Then Laura and I could give them the responsibility for raising the youngest and we could sit on the patio drinking lime rickeys at sunset.
Being a family has gotten our relationship more in tune. We're part of the family of man. My daughter is only four and a half, but already I love our conversations. I love when she asks me questions about life.
I hope my daughter stays interested in the family and doesn't get so involved in school that I never see her. (Yeah, right.) Or that she doesn't one day say, 'Ugh, my parents are taking me to Italy. I wish I could stay at home and just hang out.' (Good luck!) And I really hope she never tells anyone, 'My father is such a pain. I wish I could figure him out.'
On second thought, maybe I
men and their tools
All of my life I have wrestled with men's penchant for destruction. But I have also admired our ability to re?create what has been destroyed. The ability of men to create is in many ways and at many times the very best of us. Of course, we can't create the way women can, and that truth has a profound effect on men, at many levels. At worst, we experience feelings of uselessness, mistrust, even hostility. At best, we long to protect, provide, and create.
The creations of men are wonderful things to behold. Just watch a man build a race engine, tie a fly rod. Overlook for the moment that we can also create the most fiendish weapons. Observe the painter at work, the mason building. That's why tools are wonderful, that's why shop class is wonderful. When men are building they're not threatening. When men do not threaten, they nurture and maintain their creations. This is something I hope women understand. There's much to learn about the male animal, particularly through the things we make.
Go to a hot?rod show. If you haven't been, just go once. I know, I know: Lots of women don't like hot?rod shows. But go and you will see what turns men on. You will see the details. Look under one of these cars. See how it's polished and chromed. It's so clean. And colorful. Yet it's the
Whatever man does, he can undo. Whatever we have destroyed we can re?create. Whatever we've created badly we can remodel. What we've forgotten we can relearn. This is the genius in man.
Men don't need to be tamed. We just need to be listened to just like women. We need to be left alone now and then, just like women. Men have some class, too.
And now excuse me, I've got to take a leak.
I'll try to remember to put the seat down afterward.
Thanks for reading.
