The House of Seven Mabels

you had a girly-girly plumber fix your drains?'

'Now, Jane, don't go sexist on me,' Shelley objected. 'What is there to plumbing that a woman couldn't do if she wanted or needed to?'

'That's just it, Shelley. I never had the urge to investigate being a plumber even though I wield a mean plunger when I'm forced to. The difference between needing to become your own plumber at times and the desire to do it as a full-time job isn't a concept I grasp. Yes, I've dealt with stuffed toys going down the drains, but when the sewer backs up in the basement during a flood, I call a man to fix it. Men don't have much of a sense of smell. And I write the check.'

'And it's a substantial check, Jane. Why shouldn't an able-bodied woman get the money?'

'I don't object to that happening,' Jane said. 'I've just never heard of a woman plumber.'

'But Bitsy and her contractor have,' Shelley said.

'Okay, okay. For a really good lunch at someone else's expense, I'll go and listen to what she has to say. But I'll have to borrow a pair of pantyhose. I ran my last ones while I was replacing the upstairs bathroom toilet seal ring,' Jane joked.

'Sure you did,' Shelley said with a grin. 'The only reason you know that a toilet has a seal ring is because you're hung up on that do-it-yourself channel. I've caught you watching it three times now. I know you're secretly interested in this.'

'Secretly, maybe. Reluctantly, for sure.'

TWO

Michelle's Bistro looked like a classy place to V Jane. Shelley's highly successful businessman husband, who entertained a lot, probably wouldn't have been as impressed. It was one of the few stand-alone buildings in a new upscale mall. It looked like something that should have been perched above the Mediterranean Sea in southern France, clinging to rock face instead of what had recently been flat Illinois farmland.

Jane had dressed to the nines, found a pair of pantyhose without runs, even gone to the hairdresser earlier in the day to get her roots touched up. A hostess all in black greeted them and showed them to a secluded table at the west end of the surprisingly large restaurant. As they made their way across, Jane noticed that there were virtually no men in sight. There were only a couple of somewhat frightened-looking husbands and a busboy who looked androgynous enough to qualify as a girl.

'Is this where the well-bred feminists eat?' Jane

whispered to Shelley, who stopped dead and looked around.

Shelley looked genuinely surprised. 'I didn't notice that there were so few men when I was here before. I guess they can't legally disallow them.'

Jane made a muffled groaning sound, and they plowed along in the wake of the hostess, who had a long, fierce stride.

Two women were already seated at the table. Bitsy Burnside was almost unrecognizable. She'd cropped her hair short and must have had a great deal of plastic surgery since Jane had last seen her. Her eyes used to crinkle in a really cute way when she smiled. Now there was no sign of a line on her face as she rose, smiling, to greet them.

'I'm so glad you came. I can't wait to tell you all about my project.' It was a banquette table, and Bitsy gestured for Jane and Shelley to sit in the middle between her and the other woman.

We're being trapped, Jane thought.

'This is Ms. Sandra Anderson,' Bitsy said when the other woman also stepped out to shake hands. 'Formerly Mrs. Somebody.' Bitsy and her companion both laughed at this. 'She took her mother's maiden name as her own when she divorced him. She's my contractor.'

Jane considered this matrilineal introduction and wished she had the nerve to mention that the woman's mother's maiden name had almost certainly been her father's name all along. But this

wasn't the time to pick a fight. Maybe after lunch had been paid for.

Sandra Anderson, or Sandy, as Bitsy called her, was a very tall woman wearing a knockoff Armani suit in gray and taupe. The way the sleeve cuff wrinkled slightly was a tipoff that it wasn't the real thing, Jane assumed. Sandra, like Bitsy, had hair styled as a man would, but her face hadn't been done. She looked tough as nails, with a corrugated forehead and long, sad lines around her lips.

Jane scooted in and was next to Sandra, who carried a fairly large purse with a strap over her opposite shoulder. Shelley had left a space between herself and Jane to put their purses.

'Want to pile that purse up with ours?' Jane asked Sandra.

Sandra looked shocked. 'No, thank you,' she said, as if the suggestion had been inappropriate.

'Let's order before we get to business,' Bitsy said. 'I've already asked for a bottle of the house merlot. You'll love it.'

A silence fell and Jane filled it. 'Bitsy, I've always wondered what your real name is.'

'I'm afraid it's really Bitsy. My parents were from Savannah and Southerners often do awful things like this to baby girls,' Bitsy said. It was obviously a well-rehearsed line she'd developed over the years of being asked this question. 'It was part of Itsy Bitsy Baby, of course, and thank heaven they didn't give me that whole name. I had an awful time getting a passport until I

showed them my birth certificate that clearly stated that Bitsy is my real name.'

Everybody laughed sympathetically, then fell on their menus for lack of a suitable subject for more chitchat.

'Jane, you must try the filet mignon,' Shelley said. 'I had that the first time I was here and it was so good I'm having it again.'

Jane noticed it was the priciest of the entrees. Shelley was really going out of her way to make sure Jane got her money's worth out of this meal.

The waitress, also dressed all in black, brought their drinks and recommended the filet as their house specialty, along with the vegetarian version, which made Jane's skin crawl to consider. Bitsy and Sandy ordered meatless salads, and Jane and Shelley ordered the real filet.

Bitsy immediately launched into her spiel. 'I've had extraordinarily good luck to be able to afford to get into this renovation. I thought I should let you know what my intentions are. Many corporations have their headquarters in Chicago. Often they bring in their suppliers or people they want to hire and wish to impress. Shelley's husband is a good example.'

Shelley looked at her blankly, wondering just what Bitsy thought she knew about Paul. He had been born poor and Polish and had built up a chain of cheap Greek fast-food restaurants. He'd clawed his way up from a run-down two-bedroom house he'd shared with his parents and

seven siblings, and when he and Shelley entertained Paul's friends, employees, suppliers, and neighbors, it was for the pure pleasure of doing so. A pleasure for him, at least. Not always for Shelley.

'The house I've selected is very close to the El line,' Bitsy plowed on, 'so it's handy to the city. Although I suspect most of the people who will be using the home will be chauffeured to the city anyway. I intend to provide — for a hefty fee — one or more of these corporations with the perfect home to house their most important guests when they visit.'

'Sounds like a good idea,' Jane admitted.

'So it has to be the height of luxury,' Bitsy said, preening. 'A main kitchen always stocked with elegant foods and suitable for catering. Bathrooms to die for. The best and biggest beds and the best real linens. Complete privacy between the two wings, which will both have access to the kitchen. That way two groups can stay there without running into one another. Well-stocked bars in the suites. Banquet facilities. Elegant furnishings…'

'Is that where we come in?' Jane asked.

'Exactly!' Bitsy exclaimed. 'I've been in Shelley's home and it's lovely. I assume that since you live next door and are good friends, yours is lovely as well.'

Jane just smiled at Bitsy's misapprehension of Jane's decorating skills. Shelley made a noise that

could have been a sneeze, or more likely a subdued snort.

'I have the paperwork to let you into the professional decorators' place downtown,' Bitsy said proudly.

'The Merchandise Mart?' Shelley asked, impressed.

'What we want is sheer elegance, with a slight hint of Victoriana. Suitable to an old Victorian house, you see.