have nothing to prove to him. And nothing to prove to myself.
That is my last thought before I see his face through the rain-streaked door of the diner. My heart starts pounding again and my leg bounces up and down. I think how nice it would be to have one of Andy's beta blockers-harmless pills he takes before court appearances to keep his mouth from getting dry, his voice from shaking. He insists that he's not really nervous, but that somehow his physical symptoms indicate otherwise. I tell myself that I am not nervous either. My body is simply betraying my head and heart. It happens.
I watch Leo give his umbrella a quick shake as he glances around the diner, past Annie who is mopping the floor underneath a booth. He doesn't see me at first, and for some reason, this gives me a vague sense of power.
But that is gone in an instant when his eyes find mine. He gives me a small, quick smile, then lowers his head and strides toward me. Seconds later, he is standing beside my table, shedding his black leather coat that I remember well. My stomach rises, falls, rises. I am fearful that he will bend down and kiss my cheek. But no, that is not his style. Andy kisses my cheek. Leo never did. True to his old form, he skips niceties and slides into the booth across from me, shaking his head, once, twice. He looks exactly as I remember, but a little older, and somehow bolder and more vivid-his hair darker, his build bulkier, his jaw stronger. A stark contrast to Andy's fine features, long limbs, light coloring. Andy is easier on the eyes, I think. Andy is easier
'Ellen Dempsey,' he finally says, looking into my eyes.
I couldn't have scripted a better opening line. I embrace it, staring back into his brown eyes, banded by black rims. 'Ellen
Leo furrows his brow, as if trying to place my new last name, which he should have been able to instantly trace to Margot, my roommate when we were together. But he can't seem to make the connection. This should not surprise me. Leo never cared to learn much about my friends-and never cared for Margot at all. The feeling was mutual. After my first big fight with Leo, one that reduced me to a sniveling,
'See how much better you look now?' Margot said. 'Without that asshole?'
'What's this all about?' she said, rolling the cork between her fingers.
'Um… you got me that champagne,' I said, chagrinned. 'After Leo. Remember?'
'You saved the cork? And these pictures?'
I stammered that I viewed the cork as a token of my friendship with her, nothing else-although the truth was, I couldn't bear to part with anything that had anything to do with Leo.
Margot raised her brows, but dropped the subject, the way she dropped most controversial things. It seemed to be the Southern way. Or at least Margot's way.
In any event, I have just stated my married name to Leo. A not-so-small triumph.
Leo raises his chin, pushes out his lower lip, and says, 'Oh? Congratulations.'
'Thanks.' I am jubilant, buoyant-and then slightly ashamed for feeling so victorious.
'So. Who's the lucky guy?' he asks.
'You remember Margot?'
'Sure, I do.'
'I married her brother. I think you met him?' I say vaguely, even though I know for an absolute fact that Leo and Andy met once, at a bar in the East Village. At the time, it was only a brief, meaningless encounter between my boyfriend and my best friend's brother. An exchange of
A flicker of recognition crosses Leo's face now. '
I bristle at his
I look back into Leo's eyes, telling myself not to get defensive-or react at all. Leo's opinion no longer matters. Instead I nod placidly, confidently. 'Yes. Margot's brother,' I repeat.
'Well. That worked out
'Yes,' I say, serving up a smug smile. 'It
'One big happy family,' he says.
'I've missed you,' Leo says.
I look at him, shocked, speechless. He
He continues, 'I'm sorry, Ellen.'
'Sorry for what?' I ask, thinking that there are two kinds of
'Everything,' Leo says.
'I know,' Leo says. 'But I'm still sorry.'
I blink and look away, but can't will myself to move my hand. 'Don't be,' I say. 'Everything is fine.'
Leo's thick eyebrows, so neatly shaped that I once teasingly accused him of plucking them, rise in tandem. 'Fine?'
I know what he is implying so I quickly say, 'More than fine. Everything is
His expression changes to playful, the way he used to look when I loved him the most and believed that things would work out between us. My heart twists in knots.
'So, Ellen
I tally all the reasons why not, all the ways it could hurt. Yet I watch myself shrug coolly and hear myself murmur, 'Why not?'
Then I slide my hand out from under his a moment too late.
four