'I know,' I say.
We are both quiet. I feel uneasy. For a fleeting second, I worry that maybe Ethan's theory could be right-that I only wanted Dex to beat Darcy, and now that I have him, I'm not sure what to do. But no, there is an unmistakable feeling of love surging beneath the layers of anxiety. It will just take some time for us to be normal again. Which is ironic, because we've never really been normal.
'Should we order dinner?' Dex asks, breaking the silence.
'I'm not really hungry. I think I might just go to bed,' I say, even though it's only eight o'clock. 'I'm feeling pretty jet-lagged. Besides, it's too hot to eat.'
I think he knows the real reason I can't eat. 'I'm not hungry either,' he says.
I watch Dex as he listlessly tidies his belongings and finds his shaving kit. Then he showers while I brush my teeth, lock up the apartment, and climb into bed. My mind is working overtime, struggling to send a clear message to my heart. I hate feeling so much and yet being unable to categorize my dominant emotion. Am I mostly happy? Sad? Scared? I don't know. I think of Ethan. How surprised he will be. Spineless Dex isn't so spineless after all. Then I think of James. Was I kissing him when Dex was formulating a way to be with me? Should I feel guilty? Should I tell Dex?
Then I think about the four of us: Marcus was disloyal to Dex. I was disloyal to Darcy. Dex was disloyal to Darcy. Only Darcy did something to two people, to me and to Dex. She is the only one who was doubly disloyal. I think of my girl in the jury box. She is triumphant, pointing out this fact, telling Chanel Suit, 'I told you so.'
I watch Dex towel off, put on white boxer briefs, and walk toward me. He is beside the bed. I move over, taking his side. Maybe we will switch sides, our way of commemorating the change in our relationship, acknowledging its new legitimacy.
He switches off my lamp, and finds me under the sheets. His arm moves around me. Then he kisses my ear twice. But neither of us initiates anything more. Perhaps he, too, is contemplating the hugeness of what has happened.
'Good night, Dex,' I say.
'Good night, Rachel.'
For a long time, I listen to Dex breathe. When I am pretty sure he is asleep, I say his name softly.
'Yeah?' he answers, still wide awake.
'Are you okay?' I ask.
'Yes… Are you?'
'Yeah,' I say.
Then I hear him make a noise. It sounds like crying at first. Then I realize with relief that he is laughing.
'What?'
'You.' He imitates me. ''I bought the watch in London.'' He laughs harder.
I allow one small smile. 'I couldn't think!'
'That was apparent.'
'You're the one who left it on the nightstand.'
'I know… Shit. I remembered it as soon as you let her in the apartment. Then I thought she might not see it. Then I heard the question… and was waiting for you to come up with something good. 'I bought it in London' wasn't what I had in mind. I was in there shaking my head in the dark, like, the jig is up, baby.'
'Maybe it's for the best… Everything is out in the open now. She would have found out eventually.'
I don't really mean this, though. Eventually would have been better than today. And maybe she never would have known that anything was going on this summer, while she was still with Dex.
'Yeah. An engagement and two friendships finito,' he says.
I wonder which part Dex is sadder about. I hope that it is Marcus. 'You really think you won't ever be friends with Marcus again?'
He sighs and adjusts his pillow. 'I seriously doubt that we'll be grabbing a few beers anytime soon.'
'Are you sad about that?'
'What's the point of being sad?' he says. 'We're here now.'
I want to tell Dex that I love him, but decide that it can wait until tomorrow. Or maybe even the next day.
Twelve hours later I am on my way to Hillary's office when Les ambushes me in the hall. 'Good. You're back. I need to see you.' Yes, I had a lovely vacation. Thanks for asking.
'Now?' I ask.
'Yeah, now. Come to my office. Pronto.'
I want to tell him that normal people do not use the word 'pronto,' unless they're kidding or playing Scrabble.
'I need to get a pad,' I say. So much for easing into my old routine.
Seconds later I am sitting in his office, which smells of onions, furiously scribbling instructions for three new assignments. All time-consuming, mind-numbing, bullshit first-year research projects, riddled with false deadlines. It is my punishment for taking a vacation. He talks at me in aggressive run-on sentences, his tone condescending whenever I dare to interrupt to ask a pertinent question. As I study his bulbous nose, I am thinking that I don't need this. I remember how free I felt in London, being away from this place. I fantasize about quitting, getting another job in New York, or maybe moving to London with Dex. I will resign in mid-assignment. Leave Les high and dry. Tell him what I think of him on my way out the door. Tell him that he really should do something about those hairs in his nose.
After an hour of being held prisoner (he even takes three lengthy phone calls during my sentence), I am released. I head straight for Hillary's office. It is a war zone, worse than usual. Documents clutter up every square inch of floor space. Both of her guest chairs are covered with papers, and her desk is piled high with folders, treatises, and old newspapers.
She spins around in her chair. 'Hey, you! Have a seat. Tell me about your trip!'
'Where do I sit?'
'Oh. Just dump that stuff anywhere… So how was England? How are you?'
'Well. Let's see,' I say, as I clear off one of her chairs. 'England was great. I made some progress in getting over Dex… But then I came home last night and learned that Dex called off the wedding after all.'
She gives me a quizzical look. 'He called it off? For sure?'
I tell her the whole story. She hangs on every word, and in the end she looks like one of those people who answers the door to find Ed McMahon with a big check and a television crew. She covers her eyes with her palms, laughs, shakes her head, and then comes around her desk and gives me a hug. I am not surprised by her reaction. I didn't expect her to get any of the subtleties-the fact that Darcy and I are no longer friends, the fact that my parents are upset, and that word of my treason is traveling at the speed of light all over Indiana.
'Well, that is awesome, awesome news. I owe Dex an apology. Shit. I really had him written off as another womanizing pretty boy.'
'He's not like that.'
'I can see that… I'm so happy for you.'
I smile. 'So what has been going on here?'
'Oh, not too much. Same old shit… Julian and I had our first big fight.'
'What? Why?'
She shrugs. 'We got into an argument that escalated.'
'About what?'
'It's a long story… but basically we have this full-disclosure rule. No secrets whatsoever.'
'Secrets about your past?'
'Yeah. And just anything. So anyway, he was talking to this girl at a party, and he introduced me to her. And the three of us had a big conversation about all sorts of things. And later that night, I asked him how he knew her… He told me he met her two summers ago… and that was it. Then kidding around, I said, 'Did you sleep with her?' And he just looked at me… He had!'
I don't try to hide my smirk. 'You got mad because of an ex-girlfriend?'
'No. I got mad that I had to ask him if he slept with her. He should have brought it up first! That wasn't in the spirit of our agreement. So of course, I start to worry that he isn't as honest as he seems.'
