clothes, and tell me my cunny would soon have a crop of beautiful soft hair on it. And one day he threw me back and kissed my cunt till I fainted, and when I came round my clothes were up to my waist, and he was standing between my legs as they hung over the side of the sofa and frigging himself so as to spend all over my belly, and after all would not let me go home till I had kissed and handled his cock. That was just before you sent me off to Madame Cul's school and no doubt all helped to make Minette's touches so awfully exciting when she began to seduce me with her wanton games.'
'We'll have a game with him, Frank, my boy!' exclaimed Mr. Etheridge. 'My idea now is that we may all do what we like to enjoy ourselves, only damn all jealousy. I'm a regular Communist now! Well, when I ride out to- morrow I will call and ask Harry to spend an early day with you.'
'Have you found anything worth reading to us yet, Frank?' asked his Mamma.
'Yes, a little bit about the quarrels of the goddesses in heaven. It is an old volume of the writings of the 'London Spy.' Here it is,' said Frank, taking up a book:
POEM
A health Jove began to the best end of Juno, By which they had often been 'Junctus in Uno,' The bowl went about with much simp'ring and winking, Each God lick'd his lips, at the health he was drinking; Whilst Venus and Pallas look'd ready to rave, That her Goddesship's scut should such preference have; The bowl being large, hoping the rather Their amiable rumps might have swam altogether. Thus both being vex'd, Venus swore by her power, The nectar had something in't, made it drink sowre: Which Pallas confirm'd by her shield and her sword, And vow'd 'twas as musty besides as a T-d But Juno perceiving 'twas out of ill-nature, That Venus and Pallas abus'd the good creature, Because to her Peacock, precedence was given, As the best and finest fledg'd bird in the Heaven; Insinuating under a wink and a snicker, As if the good health had corrupted the liquor: And finding they'd cast this reflection upon her, In Juno 'twas justice to stand by her honour: Who raising her bum from her seat in a passion, To Venus and Pallas she made this oration: 'Pray Goddesses! What do you mean, I beseech it, To basely reflect on my Tippet-de-wichet? I know by your smiles, leering looks, and your winks, And your items and jeers, you'd insinuate it stinks: Dispraising the nectar, well knowing you meant, That a health to my Tw-t gave the juice an ill scent. Nay, laugh if you please, for I know I'm extreamly To blame, thus to blurt out a word so unseemly. But all know the proverb, wherein it is said, That a What is a What, and a Spade is a Spade; And now I'm provok'd, for a truth I may tell it, Tho' as red as a fox, yet it smells like a vi'let. By Jove I'll be judge, if I am not as sweet, I may say, as a primrose, from head to my feet. And he, you may swear, who's my husband and lover, Has kist me, and felt me, and smelt me all over, And if he can say an ill scent does arise, From my ears, or my armpits, my c-t, or my thighs, Like rotten old Cheshire, low Vervane or Ling, And altho' I'm goddess, I'll hang in a string. Your self, Lady Fair, that arose from the sea, Sure will not presume to be fragrant as me: The spark that has laid at your feet all his trophies, Has smelt you sometimes strong as pickl'd anchovies: But what if he has, were you ranker and older, You'd be e'en good enough for a smith or a soldier.' These words put the Goddess of Love in a fire, And make her look redder than Mars that was by her. 'My beauty,' said Venus, 'obtain'd the Gold Apple.' 'Mine A-s Kiss,' says Juno, 'you shall have a couple. I'd have you to know, Queen of Sluts, I defie you, And all you can say, or the bully that's by you. And as for that Tomboy that boasts she can wield, In quarrels and brangles, her lance and her shield, That never yet tasted the heavenly blessing, But always lov'd fighting, much better than kissing: I know she'd be glad to be ravish'd by force, By some lusty God, that's as strong as a horse. But who'd be so forward, unless he was tipsie, To choose for a miss, such a masculine gipsie? A termagant dowdy, a nasty old maid; Who flights copulation, as if she was spay'd: Which makes me believe, that under her bodice, She wants the dear gem, that's the pride of a Goddess.' Now Pallas, enrag'd at so high a reflection, Cry'd out, 'I thank Jove, I am made in perfection, And ev'ry thing have, from a hole to a hair, Becoming the Goddess of Wisdom and War; As Paris well knew, when he took a survey, Of those parts where a Goddess's excellence lay; Who strok'd it and smil'd, when my legs he had parted, And peep'd till I thought his poor eyes would have started. Then licking his lips, did aver to be true, I was each way as full well accomplish'd as you. Indeed, Madam Juno, I'll therefore be plain, If ever I hear these reflections again: I vow as a Goddess, and no mortal sinner, I shall have no patience, but handle your pinner.' With that the Great Jupiter rose up in hot anger, And looking on Pallas, was ready to bang her. 'Pox take ye,' says he, 'is your scolding a lecture, That ought to be preach'd o'er a bowl of good nectar? To drink we came hither, to sing and be civil; As gods, to be merry, and not play the devil. Why, mortals on earth, that live crowded in allies, As laundresses, porters, poor strumpets and bullies; When got o'er a gallon of belch, or a sneaker Of punch, could not wrangle more over their liquor. And you that are Goddesses, thus to be squabbling, As if you were bred up to scow'ring and dabbling! And all for a fig, or a fart, or a feather, Or some silly thing that's as trivial as either! For shame, my Fair Goddesses, bridle your passions, And make not in heaven such filthy orations About your bumfiddles; a very fine jest! When the heavens all know, they but stink at the best. Tho' ye think you much mend with your washes the matter, And help the ill-scent with your orange flower water; But when you've done all, 'tis but playing the fool, And like stifling a T-d, in a cedar close stool: Besides, Gods of judgment have often confest That the natural scent without art is the best.' The Goddesses all, at these sayings, took snuff, And rose from their seats in a damnable huff: Their frowns and their blushes, they mingled together, And went off in a passion, I do not know hither.
'Here's another fine burlesque poem I'll read, if you don't mind,' continued Frank, 'it's called 'Vulcan and Venus.''
VULCAN AND VENUS
Says Vulcan to Venus, 'Pray where have you been?' 'Abroad,' cries the Goddess, 'to see and be seen.' 'I fear,' says the blacksmith, 'you lead an ill life, Tho' a Goddess, I doubt you're a bitch of a wife.' 'Why, how now,' cries Venus, 'altho' you're my spouse, If you bitch me, you brute, have a care of your brows; Why sure you don't think, I, the Goddess of Beauty, By dint of ill language, will prove the more true t'ye; Be civil, you'd best, or I vow by my placket, I'll make the god Mars bastinado your jacket!' 'Are you there with your bears?' Smung replies to his Hussey. 'Does Mars still refresh your old Furbilo, does he; I feel by my forehead a coat that is scarlet, Of all kinds of baits, is the best for a harlot; For beauty, I find, as 'tis commonly said, Will nibble like fish at a rag that is red; But Hussey, tell me any more of your Mars, And I'll run a hot bar in your Goddesship's arse; I fear not your threats, there's a fart for your bully, No whore in the Heavens shall make me her cully!' 'You run a hot bar in my bum,' quoth the dame, 'Its a sign you've a mighty respect for the same; If your love be so little as to abuse it, I'll keep it for those who know better to use it; I'm certain no Goddess that values her honour, Would bear the indignities you put upon her, And not from that minute resolve out of spite, To improve your old horns till they hang in your light.' 'You're an impudent slut,' cries the smung at his bellows, 'And I the unhappiest of all marry'd fellows: I know you have made me a ram, I have seen it, I catch'd you, you Whore, in the critical minute, Fast lock'd in the arms of your lecherous God, Whilst his brawny posteriors went niddity nod; And you, like a Slut, lay as pleased and contented, As if every joint of your body consented; Altho' when you found you were spy'd by your buck, Then you struggl'd and strove like a pig that is stuck, And dismounting your God, would have made your escape, But I saw by your actions it could be no rape; Tho' when you first heard, by my patting-shoe tread, My approach to your Whoreship's adulterous bed, I know you'd have flown with your coats and your bodice, And afterwards vow'd 'twas some other lewd Goddess; But my net was too strong, it prevented your flying, And so put a stop to your swearing and lying. Besides, that the Gods might behold what a Slut Of a Beautiful Queen they amongst them had got, I call'd 'em about, that their Honours might stand, And be pimps to your Goddesship's bus'ness in hand, That in case you the truth shou'd hereafter deny, I might call the whole Heavens to witness you lie.' 'And what did you get?' cries the amorous dame, 'For the pains that you took, but a Cuckoldy Name; 'Tis true you're confirmed you've a Whore for your wife, Pray is that any comfort or ease to your life; And have made it appear to the Gods as a jest, That your wife's reputation is none of the best; Does that make your labour more easy or sweet, Or give you more gust to your drink or your meat? 'Tis true, you are fam'd for the net you have made, Pray what did you catch in't but horns for your head; You know that your rival don't value a trap, Or a net, any more than a child or a clap; A soldier is never asham'd of his vices, But rather is proud of a Goddess's kisses; And thinks it adds more to a hero's renown, To subdue a fair lady than conquer a town; Your spite must be therefore intended alone, Against me, and that my little faults might be known; Since 'tis as it is, I am very well pleas'd, Your head shall be loaded, my tail shall be eas'd; For since you have publish'd my shame and disgrace, And have made me a jest to the heavenly race; I'll be impudent now, and whenever I meet, My dear favourite Mars, tho' it be in the street; If a bulk be but near, I will never more dally, He shall, if it pleases him, ay marry shall he; Thus all you shall get by your open detection, Of one
