Cassie looked up and saw that they were there. Even though it was not yet five in the morning, the lights were on inside and outside the home. There were no police vehicles at the house. Only the white Volvo was in the driveway. Cassie guessed that the cops figured the last place she would turn up was at Jodie's house. She pulled to a stop next to the curb and kept it running. She immediately reached across and opened the passenger door. She knew she had to do this quickly – not because the cops might be hiding in the house. But because her decision was that close and was that fragile that in another five seconds she knew she might change her mind.
'Give me a hug, Jodie.'
The girl did as instructed and for ten seconds Cassie held her so tight she thought she might be close to hurting her. She then pulled back and held her daughter's face in both hands and kissed both of her cheeks.
'You be a good girl, okay?'
Jodie started to try to pull away.
'I want to see my mommy.'
Cassie nodded and let go. She watched as Jodie climbed down and ran around the picket fence and across the lawn to the well-lighted front door.
'I love you,' she whispered as she watched the girl go.
The front door was unlocked. The girl opened it and went inside. Before the door was closed Cassie heard Jodie's name called out in a piercing scream of relief and joy. Cassie reached across and pulled the passenger door closed. When she straightened back up she looked over at the house and saw Jodie in the arms of the woman the girl thought was her mother. The woman was fully dressed and Cassie knew she had not slept a minute during the night. She cradled Jodie's head in the hollow of her neck, holding her as tightly as Cassie had a few moments before. In the porch light Cassie could see tears streaming down the woman's face. She also saw the woman mouth the words Thank you as she looked out at the Porsche.
Cassie nodded, though she knew that in the darkness of the car the gesture probably could not be seen. She put the car into gear, lowered the hand brake and drove away from the curb.
49
SHE cut up Laurel Canyon to Mulholland and then drove the snaking road east. At a pull-over point overlooking the Valley she watched the sun creep over the mountains to the east and flood the flats below. She put the top down on the Boxster before taking off again. The dawn's air was bone cold but it kept her awake and somehow made her feel good. Where Mulholland dipped down to the Hollywood Freeway she crossed over to the freeway entrance and started heading north.
In her mind she conjured a vision of Max in his Hawaiian shirt on the night in Tahiti when they had made life promises and, in her heart, Cassie knew that their daughter had been conceived. She remembered how they slow-danced barefoot on the beach to music crossing the inlet from the distant lights of a fancy resort. She knew what they had together was inside. All inside. It had always been that way. The place where the desert turned to ocean was the heart. And she would always have that.
By the time she hit the Ventura County line she needed to put on her sunglasses. The air was warming up and whipping her hair around her ears. She knew she had to dump the car and get another. But she couldn't stop. She believed that if she took her foot off the pedal and even slowed down for a moment everything that was behind her would catch up and overtake her. All the death and guilt would come roaring down on her in the road. All she knew was that she had to stay ahead of it.
She just drove.
