‘Oh darling,’ he muttered into my hair. ‘Christ, I’m sorry. I was so angry this afternoon, but I was so jealous and I didn’t understand what was going on.’
‘I couldn’t help it,’ I said, starting to sob hysterically. ‘It was the only way I could get the cash.’
‘I know it was. Hush, sweetheart, hush. I’ve been with Xander since I left you. I was so miserable, I had to talk to someone. He told me everything.’
‘Oh God, what’s he going to do?’
‘He told Pamela, then he went to the police. It was the only hope. I took him to the station and held his hand for the first half hour. He’ll be all right.’
‘But what did Pamela say, and Ricky?’
‘Darling, I really couldn’t care less.’
‘I couldn’t let Xander down,’ I muttered. ‘He’s always looked after me.’
‘I know, I know, you’re a bloody star, I just wish you’d come to me, instead of Andreas. Now for God’s sake get out of those wet clothes.’
He let go of me and switched on the light. My legs wouldn’t hold me up any longer so I sat down on the bed, gazing dumbly at him. His right eye had closed up completely now. He was still wearing the same blood-stained shirt but at least someone had bandaged up his arm. The next moment he’d pulled my suitcase down from the top of the wardrobe and, taking my dresses off the hangers, started throwing them in.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Packing. You’re getting out of here.’
‘I haven’t got anywhere else to go,’ I whispered.
‘You’re coming home with me.’
‘But I can’t. Lorna wouldn’t like it.’
‘What’s she got to do with it?’ He picked up my cornflower blue dress. ‘You were wearing that the first time I met you. Put it on now.’ He put it on the bed.
‘But you and Lorna,’ I was gagging on the words. ‘Aren’t you going to get married?’
He stopped for a second, his hands full of my underwear.
‘What on earth gave you that idea?’
‘She did. She said, you and she.’
‘Not
‘Charlie,’ I said stupidly. ‘
‘They met at your place,’ said Gareth. ‘The night she stayed with you, he asked her to come along to the shop, started taking her out, and bingo. She said you said you were crazy about someone that night. She assumed it was Charlie. That’s why she felt so awful about telling you.’
‘Oh God,’ I said. ‘It was you all the time. I never stopped loving you for a moment since that evening I was sick on the boat. God, what a stupid muddle!’ And I started to laugh, but it went wrong in the middle and I started to cry again. Gareth chucked the rest of my underclothes into the suitcase and put his arms round me, holding me so tight I thought my ribs would crack.
‘Now for Heaven’s sake get that dress off or I’ll strip it off you myself.’
I started to blush. ‘I can’t while you’re looking.’
He grinned. ‘After that matinee earlier, I can’t see much point in false modesty.’
Then he must have seen something in my face because he turned his back and started talking to Monkey who was sitting shivering in the suitcase.
I’d just peeled off my wet smock when there was a loud knocking on the door. I grabbed a towel as Mrs Lonsdale-Taylor walked in.
‘Miss Brennen,’ she spluttered. ‘I’ve told you I won’t have men in my house. You must leave at once,’ she added to Gareth.
‘She’ll be out of here in five minutes,’ said Gareth curtly, ‘so beat it.’
‘Don’t you dare address me like that, young man,’ said Mrs Lonsdale-Taylor. ‘What about my rent? She owes me ?60.’
Gareth put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a wad of notes. He counted out six tenners and gave them to her. Then he looked at poor little Monkey still shuddering in the suitcase.
‘How much d’you want for the dog?’
‘He’s not for sale. He belonged to my late husband.’
‘Ten quid,’ said Gareth.
‘Well, it doesn’t seem right.’
‘Twenty,’ said Gareth, thrusting the notes into her hand. ‘Now get out, you fat bitch, and bully someone your own size.’
Three quarters of an hour later, Gareth and his two waifs had reached home, and were sitting in the drawing-room. Although I was wearing one of his sweaters and nursing a large glass of brandy, I was assailed once again by a terrible fit of shaking. The tension was unbearable. The only sound was Monkey gnawing ecstatically on the remains of a leg of mutton which Gareth had found him in the fridge.
‘He’s happy,’ said Gareth. ‘Now it’s my turn, come here.’
‘I can’t,’ I said in a stifled voice.
‘All right, I’ll come to you.’
He sat down on the sofa about a foot away from me. I gazed desperately at my brandy.
‘I’m now going to give you a short lecture,’ he said. ‘If you had any idea what I’ve been through since we got back from the boat, wanting you so fucking badly I thought I’d go up in smoke. I know I showed it in a funny way, fighting it because I didn’t want to betray myself, because I couldn’t see any way that you could possibly feel the same way about me. The reason I finally agreed to take over Seaford-Brennen was because it gave me a chance to keep in touch with you, and that wasn’t the only length I went to, sucking up to your degenerate brother, Xander, in the hope he might put in a good word for me, ringing Jakey every evening to see you were OK. Why do you suppose none of the guys there ever laid a finger on you? Because I’d have fired them if they had.’
‘I don’t b-believe you,’ I said incredulously.
‘Don’t interrupt,’ he said. ‘You’re also right about my being a Welsh prude. I couldn’t stand anyone coming near you. I nearly went spare over Jeremy and Charlie. This afternoon, as you saw, I flipped my lid.’
‘You were wonderful,’ I breathed, putting a hand up to touch his poor bruised eye.
He grinned, imprisoning my hand against his cheek:
‘There’s something to be said for being brought up in the valley. Then I talked to Xander. He told me about your childhood, and your parents and what a lousy deal you had all along. But that’s all over now.’
And, kneeling beside me, he took me in his arms. I started to cry.
‘What’s the matter?’ he whispered.
‘It’s no good,’ I sobbed. ‘I love you more than anything else in the world. I’m crucified with longing for you, but that’s just in my heart. You were right from the beginning, I am frigid. I’ve been to bed with so many men I can hardly remember, but I hated it with all of them. I can put on a good act, but inside I just freeze up.’
‘Hush lovie, hush.’ He was stroking me in that soothing way you might gentle a horse.
‘I’m telling you this because I love you, I’m no good to you.’
‘I’m the best judge of that,’ he said. ‘You’ve never been properly loved in your life, just spoilt, and told to push off and play somewhere else, and produced to show off when grown-ups came to tea because you’re so beautiful. Come on,’ he went on, pulling me to my feet and leading me towards the bedroom. ‘Let’s not muck about any more.’
‘No.’ I shrank away from him. ‘You’d be disappointed. I couldn’t fake it with you.’
‘I won’t, because I don’t expect anything. We’ve got to get used to each other.’
In the bedroom he switched on a sidelight, illuminating the vast double bed, and drew back the fur counterpane. As he undressed me with undeniable deftness, I thought of all the women he must have laid on that bed before me. . I felt like a novice horse entering the Horse of the Year Show for the first time, with the jumps up to six feet and all the previous competitors having had clear rounds.
Once we were in bed he just held me very gently until the horrors of the day began to recede. Then he said:
‘I’m not going to lay a finger on you tonight. You’re too tired.’
