Another silly old fossil.
CRYSTELLE
A bullying beautician from Parker and Parker’s department store.
OLD CYRIL
Fourth Horn, RSO. Heavy drinker. Onetime great player.
HOWARD DENSTON
Wideboy partner in Shepherd Denston, the toughest music agents in New York.
HOWIE DENSTON
Howard’s son, a mega-manipulator, who runs the London office.
NICHOLAS DIGBY
The harassed orchestra manager, or ‘fixer’ of the RSO, who has the unenviable task of getting the right number or players on and off the platform. Known as ‘Knickers’.
MRS DIGGORY
Heroic cleaner of the Celtic Mafia’s Bordello.
DIZZY
Rupert Campbell-Black’s head groom.
DMITRI
A lyrical and lachrymose cellist, later Principal Cello of the RSO.
BLUE DONOVAN
Second Horn of the RSO — blue-eyed Irishman of great charm, who covers for Viking O’Neill, both on the platform and in life. Founder member of Viking’s gang, known as the ‘Celtic Mafia’.
DIXIE DOUGLAS
A Glaswegian hunk, whose light duties as an RSO trombone player leave him rather too much time to hell- raise and troublemake. Another member of the Celtic Mafia.
MRS EDWARDS
Helen Campbell-Black’s underworked cleaner.
ELDRED
A beleaguered Principal Clarinet.
ERNESTO
A bribable Italian judge at the Appleton Piano Competition.
FRANCIS FAIRCHILD
Second Desk First Violin of the RSO nicknamed the ‘Good Loser? because he’s always mislaying his possessions.
LIONEL FIELDING
Leader of the RSO. A vainglorious narcissist.
HUGO DE GINESTRE
The charming, chivalrous, French-Canadian Co-leader of the RSO.
GISELA
Sir Rodney Macintosh’s cherishing housekeeper.
ROWENA GODBOLD
Charismatic bloude First Horn of the Cotchester Chamber Orchestra (CCO), the RSO’s deadly rivals.
PABLO GONZALES
An ancient Spanish pianist of great renown.
HELEN GORDON (formerly CAMPBELL-BLACK)
Rupert’s first wife, now married to his old
GILBERT GREENFORD
A caring beard from the Arts Council. Mark Carling’s cross.
GWYNNETH
A caftanned barrel from the Arts Council, Gilbert Greenford’s ‘partner’ and another of Mark Calling’s crosses.
RANDY HAMILTON
Third Trumpet from a brass-band and Army background. Another Celtic Mafia hell-raiser.
HERMIONE HAREFIELD
World-famous diva and Rannaldini’s mistress, who brings out the Crippen in all of us.
DIRTY HARRY
A bass player who never washes.
LYSANDER HAWKLEY
Rupert Campbell-Black’s jockey, the man who made husbands jealous.
HARVEY THE HEAVY
George Hungerford’s chauffeur and minder.
OLD HENRY
Oldest member of the RSO, once auditioned successfully for Toscanini, now rank-and-file First Violin.
ANTHEA HISLOP
A pianist, mostly employed for her sex appeal.
GEORGE HUNGERFORD
An extremely successful property developer.
MOTHER MARIA
