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Tim Dorsey

Gator A-GO-GO

Book 12 in the Serge Storms series, 2010

For Kelly

Life is short. It’s also pretty wide.

– SPANISH PROVERB

Prologue

They threw the midget over the balcony, and I was off on the spring break vacation of a lifetime…

“Serge, hit pause. I don’t want to miss anything.”

“What’s taking so long?”

“I’m getting dinner.”

“Coleman, you’ve already seen my documentary five times.”

“No, I haven’t. Just hit pause.”

Sigh.

PAUSE

Coleman waddled into the living room cradling a plastic bowl the size of a small satellite dish. Five beer cans in their plastic rings dangled from a special tactical hook on his belt.

“What’s that?” asked Serge.

Coleman plopped next to him on the couch. “Dinner.”

“A half gallon of beer and two pounds of barbecue Fritos?”

Coleman pointed at the frozen TV screen. “Hey, I’ve seen this already.”

“Told you.”

Coleman crammed his mouth and licked his fingers for valuable Frito-Lay Incorporated dust. “I don’t want to watch it again.”

“I do.”

Crunch, crunch. “Can’t we watch something else?”

“What about the bonus material?”

“Your documentary has bonus material?”

“Bonus material is the key to life.”

“Hit it.” Crunch, crunch.

Serge pressed buttons on the remote, navigating on-screen options.

MAIN MENU

BONUS MATERIAL

THEATRICAL TRAILER

[Guitar riff: Alice Cooper, “School’s Out”]

Serge’s voice from the TV:

“It’s a documentary epic you won’t want to miss, featuring a cast of thousands, including many you’ve come to know and love. Coleman…”

“How long have I been out?”

“Johnny Vegas…”

“Baby, it’s just a little head wound.”

“City and Country…”

“Ditch us again and we’ll cut your nuts off.”

“The G-Unit…”

“Hey, stud-muffin.”

“The performers and crew of Girls Gone Haywire…”

More nipple!

“Plus some of Florida ’s trademark jerks…”

Please don’t kill us!

“The state’s finest law enforcement officers…”

Two mutilated bodies, Home Depot supplies, and a bunch of old View-Masters. Not again…

“Students from the nation’s most elite universities…”

I’m going to throw up again.

“More jerks…”

Dear God, don’t kill us!

“It’s spring break madness at its maddest!”

I hate you.

“Filled with mystery!…”

What’s going on?

“Suspense!…”

I still don’t know what’s going on.

“Romance!…”

You’re crazy if you think you’re putting that thing in me…

“Special effects!…”

I am so stoned.

“Vocabulary!…”

Doppelganger.

“Souvenirs!…”

Help me unbolt this street sign.

“And a breathtaking assortment of exotic locations, including Fort Lauderdale…”

I’ll call the police if you don’t leave!

“ Daytona Beach…”

Get the hell out of my store!

“ Panama City…”

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