She put up her hands suddenly and took my face and held it. It was gentle the way she did it, not as you'd think.
'You've got a good kind face. I like it,' she said to me.
It was queer. The way she said it made me feel daft and soft, not sort of excited like I had been in the 'bus, and I thought to myself, well, maybe this is it, I've found a girl at last I really want. But not for an evening, casual. For going steady.
'Got a bloke?' I asked.
'No,' she said.
'I mean, regular.'
'No, never.'
It was a funny line of talk to be having in a cemetery, and she lying there like some figure carved on the old tombstone.
'I haven't got a girl either,' I said. 'Never think about it, the way other chaps do. Faddy, I guess. And then I'm keen on my job. Work in a garage, mechanic you know, repairs, anything that's going. Good pay. I've saved a bit, besides what I send my old Mum. I live in digs. Nice people, Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, and my boss at the garage is a nice chap too. I've never been lonely, and I'm not lonely now. But since I've seen you, it's made me think. You know, it's not going to be the same any more.'
She never interrupted once, and somehow it was like speaking my thoughts aloud.
'Going home to the Thompsons is all very pleasant and nice,' I said, 'and you couldn't wish for kinder people. Good grub too, and we chat a bit after supper, and listen to the wireless. But d'you know, what I want now is different. I want to come along and fetch you from the cinema, when the programme's over, and you'd be standing there by the curtains, seeing the people out, and you'd give me a bit of a wink to show me you'd be going through to change your clothes and I could wait for you. And then you'd come out into the street, like you did to-night, but you wouldn't go off on your own, you'd take my arm, and if you didn't want to wear your coat I'd carry it for you, or a parcel maybe, or whatever you had. Then we'd go off to the Corner House or some place for supper, handy. We'd have a table reserved — they'd know us, the waitresses and them; they'd keep back something special, just for us.'
I could picture it too, clear as anything. The table with the ticket on 'Reserved.' The waitress nodding at us, 'Got curried eggs to-night.' And we going through to get our trays, and my girl acting like she didn't know me, and me laughing to myself.
'D'you see what I mean?' I said to her. 'It's not just being friends, it's more than that.'
I don't know if she heard. She lay there looking up at me, touching my ear and my chin in that funny, gentle way. You'd say she was sorry for me.
'I'd like to buy you things,' I said, 'flowers sometimes. It's nice to see a girl with a flower tucked in her dress, it looks clean and fresh. And for special occasions, birthdays, Christmas, and that, something you'd seen in a shop window, and wanted, but hadn't liked to go in and ask the price. A brooch perhaps, or a bracelet, something pretty. And I'd go in and get it when you weren't with me, and it'd cost much more than my week's pay, but I wouldn't mind.'
I could see the expression on her face, opening the parcel. And she'd put it on, what I'd bought, and we'd go out together, and she'd be dressed up a bit for the purpose, nothing glaring I don't mean, but something that took the eye. You know, saucy.
'It's not fair to talk about getting married,' I said, 'not in these days, when everything's uncertain. A fellow doesn't mind the uncertainty, but it's hard on a girl. Cooped up in a couple of rooms maybe, and queueing and rations and all. They like their freedom, and being in a job, and not being tied down, the same as us. But it's nonsense the way they were talking back in the coffee stall just now. About girls not being the same as in old days, and the war to blame. As for the way they treat them out East — I've seen some of it. I suppose that fellow meant to be funny, they're all smart Alicks in the Air Force, but it was a silly line of talk, I thought.'
She dropped her hands to her side and closed her eyes. It was getting quite wet there on the tomb-stone, I was worried for her, though she had her mac of course, but her legs and feet were damp in her thin stockings and shoes.
'You weren't ever in the Air Force, were you? ' she said.
Queer. Her voice had gone quite hard. Sharp, and different. Like as if she was anxious about something, scared even.
'Not me,' I said, 'I served my time with R.E.M.E. Proper lot they were. No swank, no nonsense. You know where you are with them.'
'I'm glad,' she said. 'You're good and kind. I'm glad.'
I wondered if she'd known some fellow in the R.A.F. who had let her down. They're a wild crowd, the ones I've come across. And I remembered the way she'd looked at the boy drinking his tea at the stall. Reflective, somehow. As if she was thinking back. I couldn't expect her not to have been around a bit, with her looks, and then brought up to play about the shelters, without parents, like she said. But I didn't want to think of her being hurt by anyone.
'Why, what's wrong with them?' I said. 'What's the R.A.F. done to you?'
'They smashed my home,' she said.
'That was the Germans, not our fellows.'
'It's all the same, they're killers, aren't they?' she said.
I looked down at her, lying on the tomb-stone, and her voice wasn't hard any more, like when she'd asked me if I'd been in the Air Force, but it was tired, and sad, and oddly lonely, and it did something queer to my stomach, right in the pit of it, so that I wanted to do the darndest silliest thing and take her home with me, back to where I lived with Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, and say to Mrs. Thompson — she was a kind old soul, she wouldn't mind—'Look, this is my girl. Look after her.' Then I'd know she'd be safe, she'd be all right, nobody could do anything to hurt her. That was the thing I was afraid of suddenly, that someone would come along and hurt my girl.
I bent down and put my arms round her and lifted her up close.
'Listen,' I said, 'it's raining hard. I'm going to take you home. You'll catch your death, lying here on the wet stone.'
'No,' she said, her hands on my shoulders, 'nobody ever sees me home. You're going back where you belong, alone.'
'I won't leave you here,' I said.
'Yes, that's what I want you to do. If you refuse I shall be angry. You wouldn't want that, would you?'
I stared at her, puzzled. And her face was queer in the murky old light there, whiter than before, but it was beautiful, Jesus Christ, it was beautiful. That's blasphemy. But I can't say it no other way.
'What do you want me to do?' I asked.
'I want you to go and leave me here, and not look back,' she said, 'like someone dreaming, sleep-walking, they call it. Go back walking through the rain. It will take you hours. It doesn't matter, you're young and strong and you've got long legs. Go back to your room, wherever it is, and get into bed, and go to sleep, and wake and have your breakfast in the morning, and go off to work, the same as you always do.'
'What about you?'
'Never mind about me. just go.'
'Can I call for you at the cinema tomorrow night? Can it be like what I was telling you, you know… going steady?'
She didn't answer. She only smiled. She sat quite still, looking in my face, and then she closed her eyes and threw back her head and said, 'Kiss me again, stranger.'
I left her, like she said. I didn't look back. I climbed through the railings of the cemetery, out on to the road. No one seemed to be about, and the coffee stall by the 'bus stop had closed down, the boards were up.
I started walking the way the 'bus had brought us. The road was straight, going on for ever. A High Street it must have been. There were shops on either side, and it was right away north-east of London, nowhere I'd ever been before. I was proper lost, but it didn't seem to matter. I felt like a sleep-walker, just as she said.
I kept thinking of her all the time. There was nothing else, only her face in front of me as I walked. They had a word for it in the army, when a girl gets a fellow that way, so he can't see straight or hear right or know what
