All About Her

nearest phone to me. But it was of no help, I had forgotten her number. By the time my phone was up and running it was already the 21st of February. And that was her new birth date just between us.

Luckily another thought popped into my head for her new birthday. We loved to make bets with each other. The one who loses has to do something for the other and the recent bet we made with each other had to with baked goods. Me being me, I didn’t lose. I’d never let myself lose the chance to taste something that she would make for me. I recalled her going on and on complaining about how I should have been the one baking her something. Her diabetes inducing Nutella Cheesecake. That was what I made for her birthday.

Sounds like a great plan yeah? As Murphy’s law states ‘What can go wrong will go wrong.’ Nobody eats a cheesecake hot. Yeah, that’s what went wrong. Second, the cake container was smaller than the cake and we had to pack it in there. The way it looked wasn’t pretty, can tell you that. Third, the container couldn’t even stay closed. It kept falling apart and we had to hold it together with our lives in fear that we’d drop it onto the floor. I bet some of you don’t know this but when you eat a cheesecake that hasn’t been put in the fridge long enough, it’s really a mess. She must’ve seen the disappointment in my eyes because she couldn’t stop telling me how good it was even though we knew it wasn’t that great.

However with all that done, the search for a record player didn’t cease. I spent weeks, even months looking for record players. Google had been my best friend the entire while. I wrote down all the shops that sold them in Singapore and searched high and low for them. I got lost on some days and even had to sit outside shops just to wait for them to open. You can imagine how ecstatic I was when I found one within my budget. I didn’t waste a minute to tell her my progress and in return, I had her tell me how she didn’t want it. How I was wasting my time and money. I felt tears well up in my eyes while I read what she had sent. It felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster. The drop was so steep, I couldn’t take the blow and almost started a hysterical fit in public.

Hurt, numb and mad. It happened in that order. Those were the feelings I felt for the next few months. I expressed my dissatisfaction and she avoided me to help make things better. However, I didn’t see it that way. I thought she didn’t care. It was as though nothing happened to her and I was the only one hurting. She didn’t even make a single effort in asking me back. After awhile I just gave in. I couldn’t take it anymore and I asked her back. I asked if she felt the way I did and she told me to give her time. I never knew what that meant. To give someone time.

I promised her I’d wait for 7 months and I’m on my 6th already. One more month and it’s over. She was the only one I waited for and the only one whom I fought to pull back instead of push away. Back to the story, I waited and waited. And she never spoke a word about it. The way she spoke to me however, it made me feel like something was happening but it was all my foolish thinkings. Whenever I thought something was happening, I would pressure her into answering me but to no avail. It only ended with either ‘Give me more time.’ or ‘I don’t know.’.

Until one day she told me she felt the same way. Well not the same because I loved her far more than she could ever imagine but she said she felt something. She felt something but she didn’t want anything out of it. I couldn’t decide to be overjoyed or devastated but you can be assured that I had a smile on my face every time I thought of what she said. She told me that she was scared. Scared of how others looked at her. Looking back now, I realize that she could never love me. She was a hypocrite. All those words about how it didn’t matter when you were in love and scolding all the girls who could not take it. She was one of them.

I was blinded. I couldn’t see what was in front of me and I thought I could change everything. Boy was I wrong. Did I actually think I had super powers or something? No way in the world could I ever change her mind. So what if I wanted her to accept me? What I want would never be what she’d do. Well, I continued to wait. Continued to beg, continued to act like a loser. All I got back was her toying with me. Time after time. Telling me she knew what she wanted and then going back on her word the next day.

Eventually I stopped. I didn’t stop telling her what I felt. I just stopped asking her to give me a chance. I gave up but at least I put up a fight. This is my motto in life ‘If you don’t fight for what you want, it will never be truly yours.’ Even though I didn’t get what I wanted in the end, I still feel proud of myself. You can’t have everything in life anyways.

Though I sound like I’m over it, it doesn’t mean that I don’t hurt. I still do. When I think back on how someone else has taken my place. How someone is more important than me. How she misses that person before that person has even left the country and how I got nagged at for even passing a comment about that person. I guess that’s how life works doesn’t it? The new replaces the old. I don’t mean that in a bad way but sometimes we just need to know when our time’s up.

Now it’s the end of our story. We’re graduating and maybe I won’t see you. Maybe after you read this, you wouldn’t want to either. But either way, I just want you to know that just because you forgot, it doesn’t mean that I did and my promises will stand until I die. I love you. As a friend, an alarm clock, as a person who’d be there for you always.