Twelve Days of Winter: Crime at Christmas

Stuart MacBride Twelve Days of Winter: Crime at Christmas

1: A Partridge in a Pear Tree

Billy Partridge wasn’t really cut out to be a cat burglar, but Dillon hadn’t really given him any option. It was either do the job, or come up with thirteen grand by Thursday . . . or have both legs shattered. And the leg thing didn’t even write-off what they owed Dillon, just deferred the interest. Come the 15th of January, there’d still be thirteen thousand to pay.

Grunting, Billy hoisted himself further up the tree, his XXL designer jeans smeared with moss and dirt. That’s what he got for trusting Twitch to bring the sodding stepladder.

Of course Twitch didn’t need a stepladder. He’d clambered over the outside wall like a bloody monkey, so the old oak tree growing close to the manor house hadn’t been much of a challenge. Even if it was strung all over with heavy-duty Christmas lights. But then Twitch looked like a collection of manky coat hangers – dressed up in drainpipe trousers, baseball cap and camouflage hoodie – not a single ounce of spare flesh on him, while Billy had to haul twenty-one stone of asthmatic underachiever from branch to branch, wheezing like his lungs were about to explode.

He struggled up to the same branch as Twitch, right outside a darkened window. Billy hugged the trunk, stuck his head against the bark, puffing and panting. ‘Ah. . . Ah, Jesus . . . Jesus Christ. . .’

‘Thought you was gonnae peg out on me, like.’ Twitch tried for a wink. Not easy with a pair of panda-black eyes and a freshly broken nose: Dillon ‘reminding’ them not to screw this one up.

‘You could have bloody helped!’

Twitch grinned, his teeth manky brown in the shadow of his baseball cap and hooded top. ‘Looked like you needed the fuckin’ exercise.’

Billy didn’t need the exercise. Billy needed a joint and a packet of Jaffa Cakes. But not till they’d got in, got the painting, and got the hell out before anyone called the police, or ‘released the hounds’. It was that kind of place.

From up here, in the tree, Billy had a perfect view all the way down Fletcher Road: big Victorian sandstone piles with huge gardens, festooned with discreetly shimmering white lights. None of your inflatable Santas and flashing snowmen here – nah, this was where Oldcastle’s old money lived. With a fine view of the Bellows and the Kings River, Castle Hill was not for the likes of Fat Billy Partridge and Andy ‘Twitch’ McKay.

‘Well?’ said Billy. ‘We going to do this or not?’

‘Aye, aye, hud yer horses.’ Twitch pulled out a knife, leaned across the gap between the branch and the building, and wheegled the blade in between the top part of the sash window and the bottom, keeping the sound of splintering wood to a minimum. How come rich bastards couldn’t stretch to double glazing? Billy and his mum might be living in a crappy council semi by the North Station tracks, but at least they had double-bloody-glazing.

Twitch eased the blade back and forth until something inside went click. ‘Bingo.’ He grinned again. ‘OK, you ready?’

‘I was born ready.’

‘You were born a fat bastard.’

Billy scowled at him. ‘Shut up.’

‘You shut up.’

‘Oh for God’s sake. . .’ Billy grabbed the bottom part of the window and hauled it up, gritting his teeth as the ancient wood squealed.

Twitch gave him a slow round of applause. ‘Oh, my hero: you’re so big and strong!’

Billy kept his voice low, going for a Clint Eastwood growl and failing miserably. ‘You want us to get caught? That what you want? You want to go back to prison? No?’ He gave the sarky bastard a wee shove. ‘Then shut up and get your arse in there.’

Twitch pursed his lips. ‘Don’t be such a gaywad. Dillon said they were both deaf as a post. . .’ He slipped inside like a shadow.

Billy took a deep breath, said a wee prayer, then scrambled across the yawning chasm into the house. Didn’t look down. Didn’t fall to his death. Didn’t crap himself.

From the outside, Number Seven Fletcher Road looked all prosperous and well maintained, but the foosty smelling room Billy clambered into was piled with old boxes and tea chests, all just visible in the dim glow of the garden’s Christmas lights, and-

MONSTER!

Billy grabbed the window ledge, heart trying to kick its way out of his chest. They were going to die. . .

No. Not a monster: a full-sized stuffed black bear leaned back against the wall at an alarming angle, next to a grandfather clock and a suit of armour. Creepy bastard taxidermy lurking in the shadows.

‘Look at this!’ Twitch dug into a box and pulled out a pair of matching African masks, like they had on the Discovery Channel. ‘These have to be worth a bob or two.’

Billy snatched them off him and stuffed them back where they’d come from. ‘Don’t be an arse: everything in here’s junk. If it wasn’t they wouldn’t keep it in this shite hole.’

He opened the door a crack and peered out into the corridor. Dark and empty, faded rectangles on the wallpaper marking where paintings used to be. No carpet, no furniture. Light spilled up the stairwell from the floors below, the tip of a huge Christmas tree almost coming level with the balustrade. The tree was festooned with shimmering white lights – like the garden – and covered in burgundy and gold baubles, ribbons and swags. A wee bit swankier than the four-foot high artificial thing clarted with pink and blue tinsel in Billy’s living room.

A television blared out Britain’s Next Big Star from somewhere below as Billy and Twitch crept from room to room.

The whole place was vacant bordering on the derelict . . . except for the room nearest the stairs. It had been done out as a study, the walls lined with books, and a desk facing the window complete with fancy-looking laptop and colour printer.

Twitch rubbed his skeletal hands together. ‘Payday.’ He grabbed the laptop, pulling up all the cables and wrapping them round the thing before squeezing it into a leather case he found beside the desk. ‘That’s got to be worth a couple of hundred down the Monk and Casket!’ He went for a high five, but Billy missed. Twitch shook his head, slung the case over his shoulder. ‘Last one downstairs is a fat poofy bastard.’

They snuck down to the middle floor. This bit of the house had more of a lived-in feel: carpets, sideboards, occasional tables, framed photographs. Six doors led off the corridor and they picked their way through them carefully, making as little noise as possible, even though there was bugger-all chance anyone could hear anything over the TV. Four dusty guest bedrooms with fading wallpaper, a huge, cold bathroom.

Billy eased the final door open and peered inside: must be the master bedroom. Breathy snoring came from a large divan bed. A white-haired woman lay flat on her back in the darkness, wearing one of them sleeping masks, surrounded by a nest of frilly pillows.

He scanned the walls. No sign of the painting.

Time to close up, move on, and- ‘Hoy!’

Twitch squeezed past him, into the room. Billy grabbed at his sleeve but the wee sod was too quick.

Billy shifted from foot to foot on the threshold, voice a sharp-edged whisper. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing? Come back here!’

But Twitch wasn’t listening, he was rummaging through the old lady’s drawers, pulling out camisole knickers and support stockings, letting them fall to the swirly carpet. ‘Shut up and watch the corridor.’

‘We’re going to get caught!’