Tansy smiled.
MacLean said, ‘I managed to convince them that I hadn’t been struck off but that my life might be in danger if stories of a doctor working as a roustabout on the rigs were to get around. They promised that my secret would be safe with them and I believed them. There were no men on earth I would have trusted more. They also offered their help in solving my “problem”. I declined of course, but then I thought of a way in which a couple of them could help me.’
‘How so?’ asked Tansy.
‘Throughout the whole Lehman Steiner affair I had been plagued by feelings of helplessness. Fear, anger, frustration had all played their part but the feeling of utter helplessness was the worst to bear in the long term. I could get angry, I could get mad, but I couldn’t do anything about it! I’ll never forget the feeling of complete impotence I had on the riverbank while I waited for the National Front yobs to kill me. I just stood there doing nothing, meekly waiting for death.’
‘You couldn’t have done much in the circumstances,’ said Tansy.
MacLean became animated. He said, ‘But don’t you see, Lehman Steiner were sending people to kill me and all I could do was run? Run or hide; these were my only two options.’
‘What else could you do?’ asked Tansy.
‘Fight,’ said MacLean. ‘I could fight back but only if I knew how.’
‘And that’s where your friends came in,’ said Tansy.
‘Yes,’ nodded MacLean. ‘I hoped that I was free of Lehman Steiner for good but just in case I wasn’t I wanted to know how to do a bit more than just run scared.
‘Go on,’ said Tansy.
‘I knew that a few of the gang had been in the services. One, Mick Doyle, had served with the SAS and another, Nick Leavey had been a sergeant in the Paras.’ I asked them if they would teach me how to look after myself.’
‘And they agreed to teach you the ancient art of knocking nine bells out of somebody else?’ said Tansy.
‘More or less,’ agreed MacLean. ‘Not the Wednesday night at the YMCA stuff, but the real thing, every dirty trick in the book. As it turned out, my own knowledge of human anatomy and physiology helped a great deal. Doyle and Leavey knew what to hit and I knew why.’
‘When you broke the ice with your feet… ‘ began Tansy.
‘La Savate,’ said MacLean. ‘It’s a French martial art, something Nick Leavey taught me.’
‘So you became an expert,’ said Tansy.
‘You could say,’ replied MacLean. ‘I set out to learn everything there was to learn but something else happened too. As I became more competent I also became more confident. I began to resent the fact that Lehman Steiner had taken away so much of my life.’
‘You wanted to get your own back?’ asked Tansy.
MacLean shook his head. ‘No,’ he said. ‘I’d long given up nurturing notions like that. I simply wanted my life back. I wanted to be back in medicine. I didn’t want to wait any longer. Time had run out for Dan Morrison. Sean MacLean had become restless.’
‘Sean,’ said Tansy. ‘I didn’t know your name was Sean. It suits you.’
MacLean leaned over and kissed her gently. It was a spontaneous gesture of affection that MacLean himself did not really understand. But there was so much about the last two days that he didn’t understand. Tansy didn’t draw back but she didn’t respond. She reached up and touched his cheek gently saying softly, ‘Go on.’
MacLean continued. ‘It was a spur of the moment decision to leave the rig. We had just flown in to Aberdeen at the end of a two-week stint. We hit the pubs as we always did on the first night back on shore and as usual, the men drifted away one by one to return to their girlfriends and families. By eleven o’ clock there were just three of us left, Doyle, Leavey and myself, the three who had nobody to go home to. It was then that I told them I wasn’t going back. I was returning to medicine even if there was a chance that my enemies might still be trying to track me down. They wished me well and as a parting gift Mick Doyle gave me the gun you found in my pocket. The “equaliser” he called it if the odds should ever become too great. He spent most of his leave teaching me how to use it. When he returned to the rig I practised on my own. I had plenty of time because I had to let my hands recover before I could think of applying for a medical job. Two years of hard labour had not been kind to them.’
Tansy looked at MacLean’s hands and saw what the canal ice had done. She lifted one and kissed it. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered.
MacLean shook his head almost imperceptibly.
‘Would you like to break for a while?’
MacLean nodded.
‘I’ll have to do some shopping. I’ll take Carrie with me. You will be here when we get back won’t you?’
MacLean nodded but Tansy needed more.
‘Promise?’ she said.
‘Promise,’ said MacLean. He watched the Mini pull away from the drive and smiled at Carrie who was kneeling on the back seat waving to him.
MacLean could almost touch the silence that descended on the house. It had been a living, breathing place when Tansy and Carrie had been there but now it was just a house, an inanimate pile of bricks and mortar. He found that he could think clearly again. His stay there had been, as he had really known all along, a temporary diversion from what he had to do. He started to look for his overcoat. It wasn’t on any of the pegs in the hall where his jacket hung. Tansy had put it away somewhere.
As a last resort, MacLean tried the large wardrobe in Tansy’s room. He found his coat hanging in the left side; it was the only thing there. Was this where Keith had kept his clothes? he wondered. He removed it and replaced the metal hanger, which jangled against the others like Tibetan prayer bells for a very long time. He stared at the emptiness he’d left then closed the door. He put the coat on and turned up the collar.
MacLean paused at the gate and looked back at Carrie’s snowman and the igloo. ‘Good-bye Mr Robbins,’ he whispered and started towards the canal towpath. He would walk back to town the way he had come.
With every step of the way the colours of the last two days faded into the cold grey of reality. The canal was still frozen; the towpath hard as iron and the sky was becoming more leaden by the minute. MacLean was sure it was going to snow again but when it did come it was hail. Icy rivets were driven into his face as he hurried to the shelter of a stone bridge. He waited under the arch, looking down at his feet and listening to his breath coming in uneven pants. He plunged his hands deep into the pockets of his overcoat and came across something that he could not remember being there. It felt like an envelope.
MacLean brought it out and found it was a plain, white envelope, sealed but with no writing on it. He tore it open untidily because of the numbness in his fingers and withdrew a single sheet of paper. On it were the words, ‘You promised!’
Just when he thought he had broken the spell and escaped, Tansy had reached out and touched him. MacLean rested his forehead against the cold stone of the bridge and tried to find his resolve. No good could come of any further delay he told himself. He would only bring hurt to innocent people and yet… he started back along the towpath towards the bungalow. The wind was now behind him. He was uneasy about his decision but he had made it.
When he reached the house MacLean could see that Tansy and Carrie had returned. Carrie was standing in the garden looking lost. She looked up when she heard MacLean reach the head of the path. ‘You’re back!’ she cried and then to her mother, ‘He’s back! He’s back!’
Tansy came out into the garden and looked at MacLean standing there. Her eyes told him that she knew what he’d intended.
‘I thought I would get some fresh air,’ he lied.
Tansy nodded without taking her eyes from his. ‘Come inside. I’ll make coffee.’
FIVE
Did you get back into medicine?’ asked Tansy as they sat down by the fire.
