A Million Suns

When I say it now, to her, I finally realize the truth. And I finally see the things I’ve never seen before, and what they really mean. The dwindling food production, despite the fact that we’re pumping all the fertilizer and nutrients we can into the fields. It’s true that most Feeders haven’t been working as hard as they did while on Phydus, but even their lack of productivity can’t excuse the way the crops barely have enough strength to push their way up through the soil.

That year when we had so much rain — was it just for research, or did the irrigation system break? The chemically derived meat substitute used in wall food at least twice a week — is it really a better source of nutrition or just the best Doc and the scientists could make when the livestock was no longer enough to feed everyone?

I’m starting to see why Eldest was so… so desperate.

I think of the sound of the engine, even if its energy is just being diverted to the internal functions of the ship: that churn amid the whirrs. It’s not a healthy sound.

When I’m done talking, I realize how silent she’s been the whole time.

“Amy?” I ask softly.

She meets my eyes.

“Does this mean… can I wake my parents up now?”

“What? No!” I say immediately.

“But… if we’re not going to land — if there’s no hope at all that we’ll ever land — then, why not?”

“We might still land! Frex, give me a chance to fix this problem.”

“Maybe one of the frozens can fix it. There are scientists and engineers frozen too, you know.”

“Amy — no. No. My people can handle this.”

She mutters something I don’t catch.

“What?” I demand.

“It’s not like they’ve done that good of a job so far! Hell, Elder, how long have the engines been dead? Since before you were born! Maybe even decades — or longer!”

“I don’t need this!” I roar. “Not from you too! I don’t need you telling me what to do or that I’m not good enough.”

“I’m not questioning you!” Amy hurtles the words at me. “I’m just saying, someone from Earth could probably fix this problem!”

“You’re just saying that we should wake your parents up!”

“This isn’t about them!”

“With you, it always is! You can’t just wake up your parents because you’re a scared little girl!”

Amy glares at me fiercely, an angry flush staining her cheeks. “Maybe if you’d admit you weren’t good enough to do everything on this effing ship yourself, you could see that you have people who could actually help you right underneath your feet!”

I know she said it in anger — that I wasn’t good enough. But her words do hurt, like a hot knife slicing through the center of me. “Haven’t you figured out that half my problems are because of you? If I didn’t have to watch out for the freak, maybe I could get something done!”

As soon as the words slip past my lips, I wish I could grab them with my hands and crush them in my fists.

But I can’t.

The words are there.

I’ve called Amy a freak, the one thing I swore I’d never do.

I was the only person on the whole ship who hadn’t called her that.

And now I have.

Amy jerks her head, almost as if the words have struck a blow against her cheek. She spins on her heel and storms toward the Learning Center door — and the grav tube that would take her away from me.

“Amy!” I shout, racing after her. She ducks her head away from me, hair swinging down to cover her face, and darts through the door. I grab her by the elbow, spinning her around and pulling her back into the Great Room. She jerks out of my grasp, but at least she doesn’t keep running from me.

“I’m sorry,” I say immediately. “I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I raise my hand again, but she flinches from me, and I drop it immediately.

She doesn’t meet my eyes.

“You’re right,” she finally says, blinking rapidly and looking up at the artificial stars.

“No, I’m not, I’m sorry, you’re not a freak, you’re not.”

She shakes her head. “Not about that. About… I’m scared,” she whispers.

She twists the wi-com round and round her wrist, leaving a red mark. I’ve seen her silent before, brooding. There have been times when we’d be talking and she’d suddenly drop from the conversation, retreat within herself for a few moments before returning to me. Before, I’d always thought it had something to do with me — that she’d remembered my betrayal, or I’d said something to trigger a memory of the past she could no longer have. Now I’m wondering if it’s something else.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, my voice lower, the fight in it gone, replaced with concern.

She jumps at the question.

“Has someone hurt you?” I ask. “Or threatened you?”

I move closer to her. I want to reach out, take her hands in mine, draw her closer to me. But she looks as hard as stone.

10 AMY

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY? THAT I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES about something that happened three months ago? How lame would that sound? If I was going to say something, I should have said it then. But then everything else became much more important — Harley and Eldest’s deaths, Orion’s capture, the elimination of Phydus. Elder has over two thousand people who all have a problem they expect him to fix. How could I burden him with one more from me? If there was anyone I could tell, it would be him — but I can’t. I can’t. It’s not just that three months have passed, or that he’s busy with the ship, or that I’m afraid he won’t believe me.

It’s that, when it happened, he wasn’t the one to save me.

And if he couldn’t save me then, how can he save me now?

“I could protect you,” Elder says, moving closer to me but not meeting my eyes. “You could move in with me…” His words fade to silence.

We’re so close we could touch. All it would take is for me to reach out my hand. But neither of us makes a move.

“I don’t need to,” I say automatically. I have control. I don’t need to run away and hide. I will not let Luthor turn me into a simpering child.

And I don’t want Elder to believe he has to take care of me. Because if he thinks I want his protection, he’s also going to think I want more.

I start pacing, but it just makes the walls feel closer.

Elder runs his fingers through his hair, making a rumpled mess of it. “You don’t have to stay here just to be safe,” he finally says, standing up too. “You could stay for — for other reasons… ”

“No,” I whisper, knowing and dreading what he’s going to say next. I can’t — I’m not ready — I don’t… I don’t know. I don’t know what I want, but I know that I don’t want to hear what he’s going to say, just as surely as I know he’s going to say it anyway.

He grabs my arms, not in an angry grip like before, but in a gentle, soft way that invites me closer to him. I don’t move.

“Amy — I—” He looks down, takes a deep breath. “I… I care about you. I want you to want to be here.” He doesn’t quite meet my eyes. “With me.”

He lets go of me, raising one hand to brush the hair from my face. I can’t help it; I close my eyes and lean