hospital. Turned out she was a card-carrying schizophrenic with religious mania. Fortunately she explained her injuries by saying she had been wrestling with an angel or a devil though she had no idea why she’d been wearing a shower cap.’
‘Yes, but I still don’t understand why Eva sent the quads to the Convent if she’s gone off religion. The whole point about the Convent is that it’s religious and Catholic at that.’
‘Ah, but that’s because you don’t understand how her mind works. Eva goes from one extreme to another. She’s not having the girls go to a state school because at the primary school they went to in Newhall the teacher had the entire class sit in cardboard boxes all morning one day–they were six at the time–because this was supposed to make them ‘aware’. Yes I know how you feel about ‘awareness’, it’s the same as ‘consciousness-raising’, but they had to learn what it felt like to sleep rough in a cardboard box in the street in London. That finished Eva. She told the Headmistress her daughters weren’t going to end up sleeping rough and she’d sent them to school to learn to read and write and do arithmetic, not to play silly games in cardboard boxes. She made the same point at the Parent-Teacher Association meeting and wanted to know when the school was going to issue the six-year-olds with leather miniskirts and boots so they could become ‘aware’ what it was like to be a teenage whore. And you know what the people in Newhall are like.’
‘Don’t I just. Betty’s mother lives over there and the house is always full of Gucci socialists with incomes up in the six figures who still think Lenin had his heart in the right place.’
‘After that and the tongue lady Eva went to the other end of the spectrum. Costs a small fortune at the Convent but at least they teach them properly and believe in authority. Which reminds me, I’d better be getting back. Eva’s in a nasty temper these days because I won’t go hillwalking in the Lake District for the fifth year running. Says she wants a family holiday.’
He finished his beer and cycled back to Oakhurst Avenue to find Eva in a surprisingly good mood.
‘Oh, Henry, isn’t it wonderful. We’re going to America,’ she said excitedly. ‘Uncle Wally has sent us free tickets. Auntie Joan’s ever so pleased. She phoned to see if we’d got the tickets and they arrived this morning. Isn’t it’
‘Wonderful,’ said Wilt and went into the lavatory to rid himself of the beer and hide from the jubilation.
Chapter 2
Eva had had a glorious day. From the moment the tickets had arrived she had been busy calculating how much Uncle Wally was worth, wondering what clothes would make the best impression in Wilma, Tennessee and how she was going to make the quads stop using foul language. The latter point was the most important. Uncle Wally was deeply religious and didn’t approve of strong language. He was also a Founding Father of the Church of the Living Lord in Wilma and it wouldn’t do to have Samantha saying ‘Fuck’ or something worse in his presence. Wouldn’t do at all. Auntie Joan would be shocked too. Eva had hopes for the quads: Mr and Mrs Walter J. Immelmann had never been blessed with a family and Auntie Joan had once told Eva that Wally was thinking of making a will out in favour of the Wilt girls. Yes, it was vital for Samantha to be on her best behaviour. And of course Penelope, Josephine and Emmeline too. In fact the whole family, the only exception being Henry. Uncle Wally didn’t approve of Henry.
‘That husband of yours, honey, I guess he’s a typical Englishman and got his good
