“Are you kidding me?”
“The medication wipes out your sex drive. Can you imagine me, without a hard-on twenty-four hours a day?”
I smiled.
“Here’s the other thing.” He paused for the worst of it: “No bike.”
“No way!”
“If I got into an accident on the bike, it could happen again, I could have another ‘cardiac event,’ so I’m not supposed to ride the Harley.”
“But you will.”
“I don’t know if I will. This kind of shit makes you old.”
He was lolling the back of his head against the cabinets, looking up, one transparent tear crawling down his cheekbone.
“I feel,” he said, “like I’m at the bottom of a well.”
I put my arm around him.
“We fucked up, Andy. We fucked up really bad.”
“I’m the one,” he said, “I’m the one who fucked it up—”
“No—”
“Can you forgive me? Please forgive me. I want to make an amend to you,” he cried desperately. “If I hurt you in any way—”
“Yes—”
“If I caused you to suffer because of my actions—”
“
“I made a mistake, Ana—”
“Forgive me, too. I did something terrible, I don’t know how I could have, actually, aimed a gun at you, I’m not
“It’s okay, it’s okay—”
Then we were holding on to each other as tightly as humans can grip.
“We were meant for each other,” he whispered and we cradled and rocked.
“Oh God, Andy, this is really, really bad.”
He stroked my hair. “What is it?”
“I need safe passage.”
“You have safe passage, baby doll.”
I had to get my breath. I had to find my voice. It was 1:47 p.m.
He waited, slow and easy. “Go ahead.”
“I know you robbed that bank. Mission Impossible. It was you.”
He lifted his head and smiled sadly.
“You know, huh?” and touched my chin. “How do you know?”
“I ran the DNA on the ski mask. You dropped the ski mask, you stupid dope.” I hit his arm, but I was weak as a kitten. “Your DNA is a match to the DNA in the dried saliva on the mask.”
“Pardon my ignorance, but how did you get my DNA? Did you sneak in here in the middle of the night and cut my hair?”
“Your toothbrush,” I said softly. “The one you always kept in my apartment. It was still there.”
“My toothbrush.” He shook his head in ironic acknowledgment of all the petty bullshit that makes the world go round. He sighed and we released each other.
“Andrew—”
“It’s okay. I would have done the same thing.”
“No, you wouldn’t. You just said you would never give me up.”
“If I were facing attempted murder? And I wanted to prove self-defense? The guy came at me because I had the goods on him? You bet I would,” but it was bravado because now he was afraid, too, I could feel it.
“Nothing would have happened if we didn’t have that fight—”
“I came at the wrong person,” he shrugged.
“I never would have put you together with the ski mask. I never would have had a reason—”
“Shhh. It’s done. It’s survival.”
“Survival is ugly.”
He laughed. “So is a newborn baby. You think you arrived on this earth any different?”
The house was immensely quiet. All the clocks had finally stopped.
“We’ve run out of time, Andrew.”
He nodded. “You’re wearing a wire?”
“No, I’m not wearing a wire. But I’m armed.”
“Right.”
“I told them to give me half an hour.”
“I’ll make you a deal.” He smiled faintly. “You and me. Take the money and run.”
“I wish. I really, really wish.”
“Let’s go. Come on. It’s not too late. You know you want it.”
“I want it, all right.”
“I can get the money. We can go right out that back door now. They never cover the back door—”
I laughed.
“—One of the most common tactical mistakes.”
The look in his eyes was meant to be hopeful, but his rakish despair was breaking my heart.
“Oh, Andrew, this is so making it worse. Don’t try to do this now. Don’t try to — oh, God, I just want it all to go away.”
“We can, baby.”
“What are you talking about, anyway? You gave the money to Margaret. Why
“I was practically a godfather to her kids. Cute little kids. The boy’s a natural athlete.”
“Is that why you robbed the bank?”
“She got screwed by the department,” Andrew said. “She should have been compensated when the Hat died.” He sounded tired. “The guy had almost twenty years in.”
“So you robbed a bank?”
“Somebody had to take care of the kids.”
“Really? I think not. I think she was blackmailing you. Emotional blackmail.”
“For what?”
There was knocking at the door. I startled. No, wait, stop — it was too soon and too late at the same time.
“Listen,” I said with crazed desperation, “you can make a good deal.”
He replied with a doleful look. “I used a weapon in the commission of a bank robbery. That’s twenty-five years, no questions. And I’m a cop.” He shook his head.
More knocking, harder now.
We smiled at each other. He had automatically locked the door.
“I hope he brought a tape recorder because I’m only going to say it once.” Andrew put a hand on my shoulder. “I’m glad it’s me, not you. Going to prison.”
“I’ll stand by you,” I promised. And then I felt a great liberation, as if an old, worrisome question had been resolved.
“Andrew, let’s get married. I love you.”
He kissed me, hard.
He would not surrender in his father’s house. He would not surrender to his buddies, knowing it would be
