angels to catch you, and lower you safely to the ground. Now that would be a real showstopper of a miracle. No one would doubt you really are who you say you are, after that.”
He clung tightly to the pinnacle, with a surprising amount of dignity, carefully not looking down. The wind blew his long messy hair into his face, but he still met my gaze firmly. “You don’t put God to the test. It’s all about faith.”
“But He wouldn’t really let you get hurt; would He?”
“He doesn’t interfere directly in the world; not even for me. Because if He did, that would be the end of free will, right there and then.”
“Free will,” I said. I felt like spitting, but the wind was blowing right at me. “Wasted on mankind. But, all right, on with the tempting. We’ve got better places to be.”
Another snap of the fingers, and we were standing on the top of the highest mountain in the Holy Land. Which wasn’t much, as mountains go, but still, a nice view whichever way you looked. I had to jazz it up a bit, because I had a point to make. I gestured grandly about us.
“See! All the kingdoms of the world, laid out before you! All of this I will give to you, to do with as you wish. Protect the people, care for them, raise them up, make them worthy! I will make you King of all the World, including a whole bunch of places you don’t even know exist yet, if you’ll just bow down and worship me. Instead of Him.”
He looked out over the world for a long moment. “Can you really do that?” he said, not looking at me.
“Yes,” I said. “I have been given special dispensation, from on high. The temptation has to be real, or it wouldn’t mean anything.”
Jesus laughed quietly and turned his back on the world. “Worship God, and serve only Him. Because only He is worthy of it. What is all the world, against Heaven?”
I sighed, and nodded, and took us back to the desert. I didn’t snap my fingers. Couldn’t summon up the enthusiasm. I pulled up a rock and sat down. Jesus did have a point about the peace and quiet of the desert. He sat down on another rock, facing me.
“Is that it?”
“Pretty much,” I said. “I’ve covered all the bases He wanted covered, and got the answers He expected. I’ve got a few things of my own left to try, before I go back. But I’m starting to wonder if there’s any point.”
“You don’t have to go straight back,” said Jesus. “We can sit here and talk, if you like.”
“There are things we should talk about,” I said. “We could talk about our Father, brother.”
He looked at me consideringly. “We’re … brothers? How did that happen?”
“Brothers in every way that matters,” I said. “Think about it! He’s as much my Father as yours. I was the first thing He created; the first angel. Made perfect and most beautiful. He put me in charge of everything else He created … and then objected when I used the authority He gave me! I didn’t fall; I was pushed! I failed Him, so He’s trying again with you. Both of us created specifically of His will, to serve His purposes. Come on; you know what I’m talking about. It hasn’t been easy for either of us, has it? Living our lives in the shadow of such a demanding Father. Trying to please Him, when it isn’t always clear what He wants. He always expects so much of both of us …” I looked at him squarely. “Don’t you fail Him, Jesus; or you could end up like me.”
“You always were the dumbest one,” said Jesus. “You didn’t fail Him. You failed yourself. You weren’t punished for using your authority, but for abusing it. That’s why you had to leave Heaven. And you know very well that you can leave Hell anytime you choose; all you have to do is repent.”
“What?” I said. “Say I’m sorry? To Him? I’m not sorry! I’m not sorry because I’ve done nothing to be sorry for! I did nothing wrong! I was His first creation; He loved me first! What did He need other angels for? He had me! I did everything for Him. Everything. If He had to have other playthings, angels or humans, it was only right I should be in charge of them. I was the first. I was the oldest. I knew best!”
“No you didn’t,” said Jesus. “That’s the point. You always did miss the point. Hell isn’t eternal, and was never meant to be.”
“The guilty must be punished,” I said stiffly. “Just like me.”
“No,” Jesus said patiently. “The guilty must be redeemed. They must be made to understand the nature of their sin, so they can properly repent it. Hell is an asylum for the morally insane. God’s last attempt to get your attention. Hell was never meant to be forever. Do you really think I’d put up with a private torture chamber in the hereafter? The fires are there to burn away sin, so all the lost sheep can come home. Eventually … all Hell will be empty, its job done. And every soul will be in Heaven, where they belong.”
“I’ll never say I’m sorry,” I said, not looking at him. “He can’t make me say it. I’ll never give in, even if I’m the only one left in Hell.”
“If you were, I’d come down and stay with you,” said Jesus. “To keep you company. Until you were ready to leave.”
I looked at him then. “You really would, wouldn’t you?”
He looked at me thoughtfully. “Be honest, Satan. What would you do, if I did say yes to you? If I were to turn away from our Father; what then?”
“What couldn’t we do together?” I said, leaning forward eagerly. “We could fight to overthrow the Great Tyrant, and be free of Him! Free to do what we wanted, instead of what He wanted. Take control of our own lives! We could set the whole world free! No more laws, no more rules, no more stupid restrictions. Everyone free to do whatever they wanted, free to pursue everything they’d ever desired, or dreamed of … No more guilt, no more repressed feelings; just life, lived to the hilt! Wouldn’t that… be Heaven on Earth?”
“If there was no law, no right or wrong,” said Jesus, “how could there be Good and Evil?”
“There wouldn’t!” I said. “You see; you’re getting it! My point exactly!”
But Jesus was already shaking his head. “What about all the innocents who would suffer, at the hands of those who could only be happy by hurting others?”
“What about them?” I said. “What have the meek ever contributed? What have the weak ever done, except hold us back? Survival of the fittest! Stamp out the weak, so that generations to come will be stronger still!”
“No,” said Jesus. “I’ve never had any time for bullies. As long as one innocent suffers, I’ll be there for him.”
“Why?” I said. Honestly baffled.
“Because it’s the right thing to do.”
He still wasn’t listening to me, so I decided to try one of my own special temptations. Not one of the official ones, probably because it was a bit basic; but it hadn’t been officially excluded, so … I called up the most beautiful woman I knew and had her appear before us. Tall and wonderful, smiling and stark naked. I’ve never seen a better body; and I’ve been around. She smiled sweetly at Jesus, and he smiled cheerfully back at her.
“Hello, Lil,” he said. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it? How’s tricks?”
“Oh, you know,” said Lilith in her rich, sultry voice. “Going back and forth in the world and walking up and down in it, and sleeping with everything that breathes. Giving birth to monsters, to plague mankind. Play to your strengths, that’s what I always say.”
“You two know each other?” I said, just a bit numbly.
“Oh sure,” said Jesus. “Lilith herself; Adam’s first wife in the Garden of Eden, thrown out because she refused to accept Adam’s authority. Or, to be more exact, because she wouldn’t accept any authority over her. And we all know where that leads. You got your punishment, Satan, and Lilith got hers. And just like you, she can put down her burden and walk away the moment she’s ready to repent.”
Lilith laughed. “What makes you think it’s a burden? Come on, Jesus; how about it? You look like you could use some tender loving care. See what you’re missing! How can you really understand mankind if you don’t do as they do? Do everything they do?”
But he was already shaking his head again. “No,” said Jesus. “I made up my mind about that long ago. I can’t afford to be distracted by the pleasures of the world. I have a mission. Home and hearth, woman and children, are not for me. I have to follow my higher calling. Because so much depends on it.”
“Oh yes?” said Lilith. “And what about you and Mary Magdalene?”
He smiled. “We’re just good friends.”
Lilith laughed. “From you, I believe it.” She looked at me and shrugged, in a quite delightful way. “Sorry, Satan, I did my best; but you just can’t help some people.”
I nodded and sent her on her way. Her scent still hung around, long after she was gone. Jesus and I sat
