PINCHAS
(aghast)
I know. I know.
GOLDWATER
But we don't give all our talent to one play.
PINCHAS
(breathing a breath of hope)
No, of course not.
GOLDWATER
We have to use all our people by turns. We divide our forces. With myself as Hamlet, you will have a cast that should satisfy any author, even the bard himself.
PINCHAS
(with wonderful hypocrisy)
Do I not know it? Were you but to say your lines, leaving all the others to be read by the prompter, the audience would be spellbound.
GOLDWATER
That being so, you have no right to expect to have my wife in the same cast.
PINCHAS
No, indeed. Two such geniuses in the same cast would be beyond all expectation, like the sun and the moon shining together.
(Pinchas is really getting carried away)
Besides Ophelia is such a small part. Really she deserves the part of Hamlet to really show her talent.
GOLDWATER
Heaven forbid my wife should appear in breeches. She would never so lower herself.
PINCHAS
(complacently)
That is what makes it impossible for her to appear in the play.
GOLDWATER
But you lucky man, the impossible has happened. Fanny has decided to sacrifice herself. Two Goldwaters in the cast. Think of it.
PINCHAS
Who am I that I should ask her to sacrifice herself?
KLOOT
Fanny won't sacrifice Ophelia.
PINCHAS
(aside, between his teeth)
She'll execute her.
GOLDWATER
(fortunately not hearing)
You hear? My wife will not sacrifice Ophelia, by leaving her to a minor player. She thinks only of the play.
PINCHAS
(disconcerted, but still trying to be polite)
It is very noble of her. But she worked so hard lately. She must need a rest, a vacation. It is such a trying part.
GOLDWATER
My wife never spares herself.
PINCHAS
(losing his head)
But she might spare Ophelia.
GOLDWATER
(gruffly)
What do you mean? My wife will honor you by playing Ophelia.
(with a wave of his hand)
That is ended.
PINCHAS
(wildly)
No, it is not ended. Your wife is a comedienne, not a tragedienne.
GOLDWATER
(puzzled)
You yourself just called her a genius.
PINCHAS
For comedy. For comedy, I will allow. But Hamlet is not a comedy. Your wife prances, skips and jumps. Rather would I give Ophelia to a kangaroo or jackrabbit!
GOLDWATER
(indignant)
Swine! Compare my wife to a kangaroo or jackrabbit! Take your filthy manuscript and begone . . .
KLOOT
(to himself)
Well, Fanny would provide an element of comic relief! Hey, that's an idea.
PINCHAS
To gratify your wife, you would make her ridiculous and deprive the world of your Hamlet!
GOLDWATER
I can get plenty of Hamlets. Any scribbler can translate Shakespeare.
PINCHAS
(sublimely)
Surely. You can get hundreds. But who can surpass Shakespeare? Who can make him intelligible to the modern soul?
(Goldwater hesitates, thinking perhaps there is something to it. A voice from offstage calls, 'Mr. Goldwater, your cue.' Goldwater rushes out, glad to escape.)
PINCHAS
(pleading)
You will talk to him, Kloot? You will save Ophelia?
KLOOT
(easily)
Rely on me, if I have to play her myself.
PINCHAS
(worriedly)
But that will be even worse.
KLOOT
How do you know? You've never seen me act. I'm a great female impersonator.
PINCHAS
(soothing, wheedling)
You will not spoil my play. You will get me a maidenly Ophelia. I and you are the only two men in New York who understand how to cast a play.
KLOOT
You leave it to me. I have a wife of my own.
PINCHAS
(alarmed)
