Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

magic plants, powders, pills, and other mind-altering chemicals would you recommend for a really kick-ass time?

“David,” New York

My favourite combination of drugs was pretty specific: anything and anything—and as much of it as I could get my hands on it. That pretty much guaranteed a kick-ass time… until I woke up in prison, or in the ER, or in the middle of a twelve-lane freeway. I wish I could tell you the magic formula that’ll keep you out of trouble, but I never found it. Whenever I got loaded, my self-destruct circuit activated, and I ended up trying to strangle my wife, or shoot my cats, or some other fucked-up shit. My advice? Stay clean, man.

Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: High Expectations

Find the answers—and tote up your score—here

1. How can you get high from a Colorado River toad (Bufo alvarius)?

a) By sucking on it

b) By milking it, drying the venom, and smoking it

c) By blending it and drinking the liquid

2. When a British prison inmate grew a marijuana plant in his cell, what did the wardens think it was?

a) A tomato plant

b) A Christmas tree

c) A plastic ornament

3. What was Diane Linkletter high on when she jumped out of a window to her death in 1969?

a) LSD

b) Peyote

c) Magic mushrooms

4. When cops raided an (alleged) meth dealer’s house in Mexico City, how much cash did they find hidden in the walls?

a) $205 million

b) $25 million

c) $2 billion

5. What was Operation Midnight Climax?

a) A project to create a female instant-orgasm pill

b) The secret nickname for Viagra drug trials

c) A CIA-run brothel where the punters were spiked with LSD

Croaking It 12

Getting Ready for the Great Moshpit in the Sky

Knowing me, I won’t leave this earth peacefully. I’ll be abducted by killer turds from outer space, eaten by a giant cockroach, or crushed by a falling chunk of Halley’s Comet. No matter what happens, though, one thing’s for sure: my time will run out. When it comes to Death, not even the Prince of Darkness gets any special favours.

It used to bother me that I wouldn’t last forever, but it doesn’t any more. Don’t get me wrong: I ain’t planning to kick the bucket any time soon. But we’re already living in an overloaded world, and it’s only gonna get worse: a stray asteroid will land in the ocean, some whacked-out dictator will blow up the moon, or the next ice age will arrive. Who wants eternal life only to see all that bullshit happening? Fuck that, man: let the great-great- grandkids handle it. In the meantime, my philosophy is to make as much of what you’ve got, for as long as humanly possible. So when people write to Dr. Ozzy about getting old, that’s what I tell ’em: accept the inevitable, but don’t stop.

Never stop.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it too morbid to plan your own funeral? Or is it a thoughtful gift for your surviving relatives, like when Peter Sellers asked for Glenn Miller’s “In the Mood” to be played during the service? (His final joke— everyone knew he despised the song.)

Macy, Kent

I honestly don’t care what music they play at my funeral—they can put on a medley of Justin Bieber, Susan Boyle, and “We Are the Diddymen” if it makes ’em happy—but I do want to make sure it’s a celebration, not a mope-fest. I’d also like some pranks: maybe the sound of knocking inside the coffin; or a video of me asking my doctor for a second opinion on his diagnosis of “death.” And obviously there’ll be no harping on the bad times, like, “Oh, he was terrible boozer, old Ozzy, and I’ll never forget when he beat up the cat.” So to answer your question: yes, I do think a bit of planning is the right thing to do for the family you leave behind. Also, it’s always worth remembering that a lot of people on this earth see nothing but misery their whole lives. So by any measure, most of us in the western hemisphere—especially rockers like me—are very lucky. That’s why I don’t want my funeral to be sad. I want it to be a time to say “thanks.”

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’ve reached the age when I need a walker. I can’t begin to describe to you how depressing this is. Given that you’re an elder statesman of rock who still manages to be cool, can you tell me how to pull off this anti-fashion accessory? (Go-faster stripes, perhaps?)

Liv, Exeter

What do you mean, “reached the age”? They don’t go, “Oh, Happy 83rd Birthday, here’s a walker.” My gran lived to 99 without needing any help to get around. So you’ve obviously got a specific problem, in which case, you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do, man. Paint the thing black and put a skull and crossbones on the front if it makes you feel better. Otherwise, bear in mind that Johnny Cash used a wheelchair when he got old—and even then, he was still the coolest man on the planet.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

If you could take a test that would tell you if you’re going to get Alzheimer’s in the future, would you do it?

Cherry, Boston