Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

whale with a foghorn stuck in its throat, before I kick him downstairs to the sofa.

Jane, Acton

I used to share a room with a guy who had the worst snore in the world, I swear. One night, I got so fed up with him, I filled up a wastepaper basket with water, put it next to his bed, and told him, “One snore, and it’s going over yer head.” And y’know what? It cured him. Or at least he didn’t dare go to sleep until he was pretty fucking sure I’d already nodded off. Having said that, I’m a terrible snorer myself. So is Sharon. Our 17 dogs snore, too. When all of us are in action at the same time, our bedroom must sound like the London Nostril Choir. It’s never bothered me, though. I’m usually asleep.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it really true that chicken soup can help with congestion?

Rita, Germany

Yes—especially if you add gasoline. Seriously though, I’ve definitely heard that there’s a special chemical in chicken soup that breaks up all the gunk in your nose, making you breathe a bit easier… but in my experience it only lasts for as long as you’re eating the stuff. It’s more likely the heat of the food that gets the old snot running.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

What’s the best cure for depression?

“Peter,” County Armagh

It’s tempting to give you a funny response to this, but unfortunately depression ain’t funny: I’ve suffered from it myself. What I did—and what I recommend you do—is talk to your GP. Personally, I’m on a low dose of an anti-depressant called Zoloft (also known as sertraline), and it does the job. Of course, you hear a lot of people say that anti-depressants just put a sticking plaster on the problem, instead of solving the real cause. And they might have a point… but it’s very easy to say that if you ain’t fucking depressed. The only big problem for me with anti-depressants is that they ended my sex life. Trying to get down to some action these days is like trying to raise the Titanic. It would be depressing if I weren’t on anti-depressants. As it is, I don’t give a flying one.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it true that “onion syrup”—onions cooked with brown sugar or honey—can help with a cough?

Jamie, Madrid

No idea. I do know that if you eat enough onions, it’ll cure people from wanting to speak to you again.

Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Magic Medicine

Find the answers—and your score—here

1. Which musical instrument allegedly cures “sleep apnoea” (when you don’t breathe properly at night)?

a) A kazoo

b) A didgeridoo

c) An Auto-Tune machine

2. What the fuck is “Peruvian Viagra”?

a) A squished frog

b) A well-trained hamster

c) A rare type of bean

3. The ancient Egyptians treated blindness with…

a) Tickling

b) Sunlight

c) Bat’s blood

4. Which “cure” for AIDS has actually helped spread the disease?

a) Bonking a virgin

b) Putting the condom on your big toe

c) Smothering your private parts in clarified butter

5. In the 1960s, psychiatrists treated alcoholics with…

a) Alcohol

b) LSD

c) Hospital-grade laxatives

CHAPTER NOTES: HOW TO CURE ANYTHING

SYMPTOM	Severe Headache	Sudden, excruciating bowel pain	Baldness	Stiff neck	Blurred vision
FIRST THING TO ASK YOURSELF	Have I been listening to NPR? And/or… Did I drive my car into a non-moving object?	What’s the waddling distance to the nearest toilet? And/or… Why did I wear white trousers today?	If I shave all my hair off, will I look like Bruce Willis… or an axe murderer?	Do I have a Viagra pill stuck in my throat?	Am I underwater? And/or…Was the tenth pint really necessary?
QUICK FIX	Shoot the radio. And/or… Massage forehead with airbag.	Unclench buttocks, prepare for consequences.