The Autobiography of an Execution

slept. When I’d wake up to use the toilet, I’d drink a shot of whiskey and chase it with a pint of water. I intended not to get dehydrated. Other than the birds and the surf, the only sound I heard was the thump of newspapers landing on driveways every morning. On Monday, I opened four papers, to figure out what day it was. I ran for an hour on the beach with the dog and swam for thirty minutes in the surf while the dog watched. Walking back to the cabin for a shower I said to her, Sorry for being a terrible master. She picked up a piece of driftwood and whipped her head back and forth.

We had lunch sitting on the deck at Cafe Max-a-Burger. I ordered four hamburgers, a basket of onion rings, and a lemonade. The dog ate her two burgers so fast that I gave her one of mine. When I paid the bill the cashier said, That’s one lucky dog.

I said, Thanks for saying so, but you have it backwards. That dog is by far my best quality.

I HEADED BACK to Houston. My original interest in the death penalty was entirely academic, not political or ideological, and at the time Derrick got executed, I was working on a project examining the comparative competency of lawyers appointed to represent death-row inmates in Texas, Florida, Virginia, and Kentucky. I was scheduled to meet with an assistant who was helping me collect data. Traffic on the Gulf Freeway was going to make me late. Driving recklessly, I sideswiped an elderly woman near the NASA exit. I jumped out of my truck and was apologizing before my feet hit the pavement. She screwed up her face like she’d just swallowed sour milk. She said she was going to call the police. I told her I wasn’t drunk, I just smelled like it. She smiled and said, I believe you, young man.

The law school has blind grading. Students identify themselves on their final exam with a four-digit number. Every year I hire as research assistants the three numbers who write the best answers. When I asked Katya to work for me, I didn’t even know her name.

An unwritten rule forbids teachers from dating students. I think violations of that rule can be forgiven if you ultimately marry them. A week after Derrick’s execution, I finally got up the nerve to ask Katya out.

We ate dinner at Ninfa’s on the east side. It was back in the days when the east side was iffy at night. We sat in the back. She said, You have sad eyes.

I think you’re most alive when you’re sad.

That’s bullshit.

My favorite moment in the old Mary Tyler Moore Show is when Mary interviews for the job in the WJM newsroom. Lou Grant says to her, You’ve got spunk. She beams with pride and says, Well, yes. He says, I hate spunk.

I told her about Derrick. She asked whether I would represent anyone else. I told her I thought I would.

I said, It seems like important work. I guess I don’t think people should have to die alone, no matter what bad thing they did. She asked whether I thought it would make a difference. I said, Probably not.

She said, I think there’s a word for trying to get in the way of something that’s preordained.

Preordained is a little strong.

I thought, Besides, whether something is inevitable isn’t the same as whether it’s right, but I was feeling too old to say something so naive on a first date.

She smiled, which I interpreted as agreement. The server brought our food. I had ordered for both of us: tacos al carbon and ratones. She said, What are these?

I said, Rats.

Really.

Seriously. That’s what they’re called.

They were large jalapeno peppers, split open, stuffed with shrimp and Mexican cheese, dipped in batter, and deep-fried. She took a bite, and her face broke out in a sweat. She said, These are delicious.

Here, I said, and I slid her my mug of beer.

She said, I think that if you’re going to keep doing this, and it isn’t going to matter, then you need a better coping strategy than a case of bourbon.

I said, That’s probably true.

MOST LAWYERS I work with would never marry a prosecutor. Some of them are making a big mistake. People use proxies to make judgments in life, but the problem with proxies is that most of them are often wrong. A few years ago Katya and I were eating breakfast at the Bellagio. James Carville was sitting by himself at the counter. Katya said, That is one marriage I don’t understand.

I understand it. Party affiliation is not their proxy. They used something else.

I myself use books and dogs, and they have never led me astray. When Katya graduated from law school, I gave her a first edition of Walker Percy’s The Second Coming. She read the first page and smiled. We were at my old house, sitting in the book-lined living room, listening to Frank Morgan. The dog normally didn’t like women in the house. Katya patted the sofa and the dog, who weighed almost as much as she did, hopped up and lay down next to her. Katya scratched her under the jaw, and the dog purred like a kitten. Katya looked at me and said, She likes to be scratched, right here.

WHEN JEREMY WINSTON got executed, I had known him for only two months. I met him and Ezekiel Green, another death-row inmate, the same day, the date of Katya’s and my tenth anniversary. Winston’s lawyer had called me and said he wasn’t going to do any more work on the case because he didn’t have time. To his credit, at least he felt guilty about the fact that he was abandoning his client. You meet many crappy or lazy lawyers, but not very many who admit to others that they’re crappy or lazy. He wondered whether my office would throw the Hail Mary pass. We’re a nonprofit legal-aid corporation that does nothing but represent death-row inmates. I told him I’d talk to Winston the next time I was at the prison.

Winston was so fat he had to sit sideways in the cage where inmates visit with their lawyers. His arms were green, one solid tattoo from wrist to shoulder. In between each knuckle on each hand were tiny crosses. I introduced myself. He saw me staring at his hands. He said, Are you a religious man?

I’m afraid not.

He said, Not a problem. I didn’t mean nothing by the question. Just asking.

I told Winston there was nothing left to do in his case. We could file a challenge to the method the state intended to use to execute him, but it was not likely to succeed.

He said, Yeah, I heard they’re gonna kill me with some drug that they ain’t allowed to use to kill animals, is that right?

One of the drugs that is part of the lethal injection combination has in fact been banned by veterinarians. Lawyers representing death-row inmates in some states had raised successful challenges to the lethal-injection cocktail protocol. So far, the legal maneuvering had not worked in Texas. But the lawyers in my office and I had a new idea, and we thought it might work in Winston’s case. I was not going to tell him that.

I said, That is true, but it doesn’t matter. Most of the judges don’t really believe that you’re going to suffer when you’re executed, and even if they did, they probably wouldn’t care, and even if they cared, they couldn’t do anything about it. He nodded. I said, We can file a suit for you, but you will not win. If you want me to file it, though, I will. I just want you to know what’s going to happen. I’ll file it and we will lose.

I paused to let him ask a question. He didn’t, so I continued, Not only will you not win, but besides that, you probably won’t know for sure that you have lost until twenty minutes before the execution. That’s when the Supreme Court clerk will call me. They like to wait as long as they can so that we don’t have any time to file anything else. They’ll call me and then I’ll call you. Are you following me? He nodded. I said, What I’m telling you is that I think you are going to lose, and that after I call to tell you that we have lost, you’re not going to have much time to prepare. Knowing all that, do you still want me to file it?

I knew as I was talking that I sounded almost cruel. That’s not what I was aiming for. I was trying to sound completely without hope. I needed him to be hopeless. I didn’t want him to be thinking he was going to win up until the time I called him. I didn’t want there to be even the faintest glimmer of hope. I don’t mind admitting that I know exactly whose interests I had at heart. I’ve called people who still had hope. It’s easier to tell someone who is prepared to die that he is about to die. Winston said, That will be tough on Marie.

Who’s Marie?

My wife. We got married last year. You didn’t know that? I told him I didn’t. She’s sweet, from Louisiana. I