start out trusting everyone, you find your role models and strive to be like them and then you are disappointed by one after the other and it hurts, Van Heerden, it is a painful road to walk and I never understood why it must be so, but now I do. It is because every time the hope in you dies a little, with every disillusion, each disappointment in others becomes a disappointment in yourself. If others are weak, that weakness lies in you. It is like death: when you see others die, you know it lies in wait for you. I am so tired of it, Van Heerden, I am so tired of being disillusioned, of seeing all these things in people and in myself, the weakness, the pain, the evil.?
?It?s??
?You were right. I am what I am. I can deny it, I can suppress it? and hide it, but not forever. Life does as it will, it throws you around. Yesterday there was a moment I realized I was living again. For the first time in ? a long time. That I was doing something meaningful. With satisfaction. That I was vibrating inside and outside, in time, in rhythm. And do you know what was my first reaction? To feel guilty, as if that canceled out the meaning of Miriam and Pakamile. But I have had time to think, Van Heerden. I understand it better. It is not what I am that is wrong. It is what I use it for. Or let it be used for. That was my mistake. I allowed other people to decide. But no more. No more.?
?You have to rest.? ?I will.?
?I left money with the doctor for the motorbike. They will send it down with a transport carrier in a week or so.? ?Thank you, Van Heerden.? ?We land in twenty minutes,? said the pilot.
NOVEMBER
45.
On her lunch hour, Allison Healy drove out to Morning-side with the long parcel and takeout on the backseat. Mpayipheli sat on the veranda in the sun, his bare torso showing the bright white bandage around his waist.
She walked toward him with the parcel in her hand.
?I hope this is what you wanted.?
He pulled off the gaudy gift-wrapping with its multicolored African motif.
?They insisted on wrapping it,? she apologized.
He held the assegai in his hands, tested the strength of the steel, drew a finger down the edge of the blade.
?Thank you very much,? he said quietly.
?Is it? good enough??
?It is perfect,? he said. He would have to shorten it, saw off more than half of the shaft, but he would not spoil her effort with details.
She put the bowls of curry and plastic cutlery on the table. ?Would you prefer a proper knife and fork??
?No, thank you.? He leaned the assegai against the table and took his food.
?How are you feeling?? she asked.
?Much better.?
?I?m glad.?
?I want to start on Monday, Allison.?
?Monday? Are you sure??
?I can?t wait any longer.?
?You?re right,? she said. ?I will show you.?
Quinn phoned her from the airport.
?The name is false and they paid in cash, ma?am, but the pilot?s flight plan was submitted according to regulations. There is not much we can do.?
?What does he say??
?They landed in Chobe, ma?am. That?s almost on the Zambian border. The patient was a big black man with two gunshot wounds in the hip. His condition was stable. They gave him about two liters of blood. The other two were white, a man and a woman. The woman had red hair, plump and light-skinned. The man was dark and lean, of average height. He and the black man spoke in Afrikaans, he and the woman spoke English. When they arrived they transferred the patient to a station wagon or a four-wheel drive, he?s not sure. They did not take the plate number.?
?Thank you, Quinn.?
?What shall I do with the pilot??
?Just thank him and come back.?
TRANSCRIPT: Commission of Inquiry into the death of Mrs. Miriam Nzululwazi (38). 7 November.
PRESENT: Chairman: Adv. B. O. Ndlovu. Assessors: Adv. P. du T. Mostert, Mr. K. J. Maponyane. For the PIU: Ms. J. M. Mentz. Witnesses: No witnesses were called.
CHAIRMAN: Mr. Radebe, according to article 16 of the Intelligence Services Act of 1994, as amended, you have the right to representation during these proceedings. Have you waI'ved this right?
RADEBE: I have, Mr. Chairman.
CHAIRMAN: Do you understand the nature of the inquiry and the charge of misconduct against you? RADEBE: I understand it.
