Cheat the Grave

I’d told Olivia then that some people called this their lizard brain, and she’d wrinkled her nose before informing me that she personally drew the line at anything that slithered, thus the new moniker-something that was large, primal, and strong.

In glancing at Hunter again, I wondered if that was why I was having such a hard time forgetting him. I hadn’t ever felt he’d been lying to me…though it could be hard to tell. Emotions clouded the T-Rex brain.

But at least I understood Olivia’s purpose here. She would allow me to step over that emotion, and learn what I needed to from the safety of this dream. So at least something was making sense.

“Of course, there’s another reason you’re invisible,” she said, before gesturing to the mirror behind her. “None of them see you for who you really are. Not yet.”

“And you can?”

“I’m dead.”

It was the first time she’d said it so bluntly, and a look like storm clouds passed over her face. I winced. “I’m sorry-”

“Shh. We’re beyond all that, you and me.”

Yeah, we were. And while I was still tortured by her death, and that it’d come indirectly because of me, the actual memory of it was rubbed out, a blueish line drawing more than a full-colored panel of pain.

“Besides, we’re bound as sisters, no matter what realm we inhabit.” Including Midheaven, apparently. Olivia gestured at the others. “So what would you have me tell them?”

The words “Fuck off” blasted through my head, and though I didn’t say it, Olivia shook her head. “One by one. Address them each honestly, have your say, and you’ll thereby forever banish them from your thoughts and dreams.”

If only life were that easy.

“Once you decide a person has no control over you,” Olivia continued, “they no longer do.”

I sighed. “So tell them what I really think, and they’ll disappear?”

She shook her head, curls bouncing. The trio across the room watched, mesmerized. Meanwhile, Mackie stayed slumped. “You say it, but I’ll tell them. Then they’ll go away…as long as it’s the truth.”

Hesitating, I sighed, but not because I found it hard to tell the truth. I often told a hard truth. Yet voicing what I really wanted to say to these people was painful…so also why it would be so powerful. I turned to Warren, who was leaning on his good leg, arms crossed, and took a deep breath.

“I trusted you, Warren, and you treated me as badly as you would a Shadow. Even when I proved myself willing to give my life for you, for the troop, for a mortal, you still believed the worst of me. Why did you just throw me away?” My voice cracked, and I was glad he couldn’t hear it. He remained impassive, looking at Olivia with the cool detachment of a person who knew his place in the world…and everyone else’s too.

Olivia lifted her chin, and in a voice as fragile as bone china, said, “Your days are numbered, old man. You’re going down so hard the earth will quake.”

I gasped, whirling on her. “That’s not what I said!”

She shrugged. “But it’s what needed saying. See?”

And I spun back in time to see Warren fall backward without taking a step, the smoke reclaiming him and his shocked expression like an incinerator.

“Now you can live your dreams your way.”

I shook my head. “I’m confused.”

“Life is confusing. It’s also messy and has no reason outside that which you impart to it.” Before I could respond, she jerked her head. “Okay, what about her?”

Biting my lip, I eyed Tekla. I didn’t know. Olivia had said she was one of the people most directly influencing me now, but I didn’t see how. As far as I knew, she’d turned her back on me as wholly as the rest of the troop. I glanced up at Olivia. “Well, what does she have to say to me?”

“Hmm, no one has ever asked that before. Yet as it’s clearly a question that demands a true answer, I think it’ll do.” Olivia nodded, then turned back to Tekla. “Speak, traitor!”

I gaped, automatically taking a step back. I’d seen Tekla reduce a man to shards with her mind alone, and while I hated the way she’d gone along with Warren’s wishes, abandoning me, I still respected her. Even in a dream state. “Um, Olivia…”

But Tekla, normally so stoic and sure, began to weep. “Not everybody has abandoned you, Jo. Remember, you’re not the only one doing the best you can to survive in a hard world.”

And the wall of smoke loosened its fingers, reached forward and reclaimed her too.

“There…see? Even questions can reveal truths and provide peace.” Olivia then frowned. “And now for him.”

Hunter. I turned back and stared at him for a long while before speaking. It was easier when he wasn’t looking at me. He continued to gaze up at Olivia with that Lost Boy look, soulful and bad and repentant all at the same time.

“Your betrayal was the largest,” I told him evenly. “I let you into my heart and my body, and now I can’t get you out of my mind. So, please, be a man about it and remove yourself. Because you’ve hurt me enough, and I need to be free.”

That was it. I swallowed hard, proud of myself. I’d practiced so many variations of that speech-outraged, sad, defeated, and depressed-that when the simple truth came out- I loved you, you hurt me, and now you have to let me go-it was like a baptismal. I felt renewed. I turned to Olivia and smiled.

She smiled back, sweet and with tears moistening her eyes, before turning to Hunter. “You are a part of me now, and I will love you forever.”

A relieved smile overtook his face, and he faded like a ghost. I whirled on her. “I’m going to kill you!”

Olivia laughed merrily. “I believe I have the advantage here.”

“Ugh, God!” I pulled at my hair. “Olivia! What the fuck?”

She laughed some more. “Yep. That’s about as T-Rex brain as you can get.”

I lunged for her, and in my dreams, she evaded. I gave chase, wanting to shake her and yes, just touch her, but she sidestepped once she reached the wall studded with pagoda lanterns. I swerved, reached forward to brace myself against it, and instead fell right through it, to the sound of Olivia’s fading laughter, muted by a thickening wall of smoke.

I knew the difference between reality and a dream, of course. There wasn’t going to be any heart-to-hearts between me and my former troop mates, never mind Hunter, who was lost to Midheaven and another woman’s arms. Olivia was truly gone, her only message to me a flash of guilt whenever I caught her face staring back at me from the mirror. Some wistful dream wouldn’t change all of that.

It also wouldn’t change the fact that Sleepy Mac had crept over into my waking hours. I could no longer pretend he was locked securely in another world, slumped before a piano, and waiting for me to offer up the last third of my soul. He was here, after me, his soul blade already poised in my direction.

I quickly shut off the thought, my fear of Mackie strong enough to bloom into scent. Besides, it wasn’t thought that was needed now, but rote movement; robotic limbs, a cold heart, and a quiet mind.

Yet shutting down emotionally somehow seemed a step backward. Hadn’t I just gotten over relying only on myself? Hadn’t I worked hard to become a part of something larger than me, earning a place in a troop and proving they could trust me? Even before Olivia reappeared in my dreams, when I was rehabilitating in Xavier’s mansion, I’d decided no one was going to strip me of my hard-learned lessons. I was determined to drive forward on the twin turbines of belief and faith. I would live, I would love again, dammit, and find others to trust…but I would do it on my terms.

Meanwhile, I needed to put one foot in front of the other, and stay ahead of Mackie. Maybe a former ally, like Tekla, would help me. Maybe not. But my sister was waving at me from the other side of death, and Mackie had breached the barrier between my world and his. I didn’t need my T-Rex brain to tell me that Harlan Tripp was right. It was only a matter of time until Mackie found me again, and next time there might not be anyone standing between me and his blade. Next time I might not get away so easily.

After all, there were only so many ways to cheat the grave.