Adam And Eve And Pinch Me

without their interference.

She and Jock met in the pub and went to the cinema. After that he came in what he called the “boneshaker” to 39 Syringa Road to call for her. The car was about twenty years old but at least it was clean, he’d taken it into the car wash on the way. Sonovia was on the watch from behind her frilly lace curtains but had to go away two minutes before he arrived because Julianna was on the phone. One day he called for Minty at Immacue. Afterward Josephine went on and on about how good-looking he was, as if she was surprised at Minty finding anyone like that. Next time Jock came in Josephine happened to be sitting on the counter where she could show off her legs in her Wolford Neon Glanz tights. If Jock was impressed he didn’t show it. He took Minty to the dog races at Walthamstow and he took her bowling. She’d never been anywhere like that in her life before.

It was a long time before she plucked up her courage and asked him if he was married. At the time he was humming that song about walk on by, wait on the corner.

“Divorced,” he said. “Don’t mind, do you?”

She shook her head. “Why would I?”

He was in the building trade. His hands would have been in a terrible state if he’d done rough work and they weren’t, so she thought he must be a plumber or maybe an electrician. He never took her to his place in Queen’s Park. She didn’t know if it was a house or a flat or just a room, she knew only that it was in Harvist Road but not the number. He’d no brothers or sisters, no one except his old mother who lived in the West Country that he went to see every couple of weeks, traveling all the way down there by train. When he got divorced he had to let his ex- wife have his house. It was sad.

They’d been going out for six weeks before he kissed her. He put his hand on the back of her neck and pulled her face to his. She liked it, which she hadn’t expected. She started washing herself even more. It was important to keep herself nice for Jock, especially now he’d started kissing her. He was clean himself, not so clean as she was, but no one could be. She was proud of that. On a Saturday evening, when they’d been to the Queen’s Head, they brought back Balti takeaway for supper. Well, Jock did. She had a sandwich she made herself and a banana. Jock said he hated bananas, it was like eating sweet soap, and Minty couldn’t help remembering what Auntie’d said about viewing someone who didn’t like them with the deepest suspicion. But what happened next drove all that out of her head. He said he’d like to stay the night. She knew what that meant. He wasn’t talking about dossing down on the front-room couch. He kissed her and she kissed him back but when they got upstairs she left him in the bedroom while she went to have a bath. It worried her that she couldn’t wash her hair but it was no good going to bed with it wet. And she wished the sheets hadn’t been on since Wednesday, she’d have changed them if she’d known what was coming.

What happened with Jock wasn’t the way Auntie hinted it would be. It hurt but somehow she knew it wouldn’t always. Jock was surprised she’d never done it before; he could hardly believe it just as he could hardly believe she was thirty-seven. He was younger but he never said how much.

“I’m yours now,” she said. “I’ll never do that with anyone else.”

“Good-oh,” he said.

She got up early in the morning because she’d had a bright idea before she went to sleep. She’d make a cup of tea and bring it up to him. And it would give her a chance to wash. When he woke up she was bathed and her hair washed, wearing clean trousers and T-shirt, standing meekly by the bed holding a mug of tea and the sugar basin.

“The first time,” he said. “No woman’s ever done that for me before.”

She wasn’t as pleased as he expected her to be. Who were these other women who hadn’t made him tea? Maybe only his mother and the one who’d been his wife. He drank the tea and got up, going off to work without having a proper wash, which shocked her. A week went by before she heard from him. She couldn’t understand it. She went up to Harvist Road on the bus and walked up and down the street, going up to some of the front doors to read the names on the bells. His wasn’t there. She looked along all the surrounding streets for the boneshaker but couldn’t find it. The phone rang twice that week. She touched three colors of wood before answering and prayed, Dear Auntie, let it be him. Please. But it was Corinne the first time, asking her to take a message to Sonovia because next door’s phone was out of order, and a salesman the next, wanting to double-glaze her house. By the time Jock phoned she’d given up hope.

“I didn’t know where you were,” she said. “I thought you’d died”-her voice full of tears.

“I didn’t die,” he said. “I went to the West Country to see my old mum.”

He was coming round. He’d be with her in half an hour. She had a bath, washed her hair, put on clean clothes, all this for the second time in three hours. When the half-hour was up and he hadn’t come, she prayed to Auntie and touched seven different colors of wood, the oak-stained living-room door, the cream front door, the pine table, the green-painted chair in the kitchen, upstairs for the white bath surround, the pink picture rail, and the yellow back brush handle. Ten minutes afterward he arrived. They went to bed, though it was the middle of Saturday afternoon. She liked it even more and wondered if there was something wrong with Auntie or was it with her? Jock took her to see Sliding Doors and then for a meal at the Cafe Uno in Edgware Road. Next day, because it was Sunday, she said she wanted him to see something special, and they went into the cemetery and she showed him Auntie’s grave.

“Who’s this Maisie Chepstow?” he said. “She’s been dead a long time.”

“She was my auntie’s grandma.” The fantasy seemed to come naturally. It might even be true. What did she know about Auntie’s ancestors? “I’m going to have a new gravestone done with her name on.”

“That’ll be expensive.”

“I can afford it,” Minty said airily. “She left me money. Quite a lot of money and the house.”

Jock didn’t go off to see his mother again for a month, and by the time he did they were engaged. They wouldn’t get married until he’d got a better job and was earning real money, he said. Meanwhile, he borrowed ?250 from her to buy a ring. It was her idea. He kept saying, No, no, I wouldn’t dream of it, but when she insisted he gave in. He measured her finger and brought the ring round next day, three diamonds on a hoop of gold.

“I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt,” Sonovia said to her husband, “but they can make diamonds in the lab these days and it’s no more costly than making glass. I read about it in the Mail on Sunday.”

Jock stayed the night of 30 June and in the morning he turned over in bed, gave Minty a little pinch on the shoulder and a little punch on the arm and said, “Pinch, punch, first of the month. No returns.”

Another pinch joke. He said it brought you luck. But you had to be the first to do it. That was the point of the “no returns.” On 1 April, he said, it would be April Fools’ Day only till twelve noon and afterward Tailpike Day. You had to manage to pin a tail on someone without them knowing.

“What sort of tail?”

“Paper, string, anything, you name it.”

“So they get to walk about without knowing they’ve got a tail?”

“That’s the point, Polo. You’ve made a fool of them, right?”

It turned out that he was a general builder and could do anything. She asked him to see if he could do something to stop the bathroom window rattling and he promised he would, but he never did it any more than he mended the shaky leg on the kitchen table. If he had a bit of capital, he said, he could set up in business on his own and he knew he’d make a success of it. Five thousand in his pocket would make all the difference.

“I’ve only got two thousand and a half,” Minty said, “not five.”

“It’s our happiness at stake, Polo. You could take out a mortgage on the house.”

Minty didn’t know how. She didn’t understand business. Auntie had seen to all that, and since Auntie went she’d found it hard enough working out how to pay the council tax and the gas bill. She’d never had to do it, nobody’d shown her.

“Leave it to me,” Jock said. “All you’ll have to do is sign the forms.”

But first she handed over nearly all the money she had. She’d been going to give him a check, make it out the way she did the ones to the council but put “J. Lewis” instead of “London Borough of Brent,” but he said cash would be easier for him because he was in the process of changing his bank. The money would buy a secondhand van, an improvement on the boneshaker, and leave something over for advertising. She told no one, they wouldn’t understand. When he talked about the mortgage again he was sitting up in her bed at 39 Syringa Road, drinking the tea she’d brought him. He wanted her to come back to bed for a cuddle but she wouldn’t, she’d just had a bath. Her engagement ring had had a good clean, soaking in gin overnight. The house, he reckoned, was worth around eighty