your opponent's one-time or even current dropping-his-drawers problem, say, or by his having neglected to file his state tax return in a timely manner when he was nine years old, chances are you win. To the sensible folks you and I dine with at La Serre, these rude matters are an irritating distraction, of course. But to that always unhappy segment of the electorate that's eager to focus its inchoate resentments on a public figure who wants something from them-such as a vote these irrelevancies can reign supreme. Especially if the irrelevancies have to do with things these unhappy voters aren't getting enough of, such as sex or money.'
I said, 'I've never heard anybody use inchoate in conversation before. What were you, an English major?'
Dunphy laughed. 'Why else would I end up in a job like this?'
'I know.'
'Anyway,' he went on, 'opposition research can turn up information that's not merely ugly but does in fact bear on character, which is not irrelevant at all for public officials.
Example A is one of our own. It was almost certainly a hired investigator such as yourself who tracked down Eliot Spitzer's wayward peregrinations. I know, I know-a man hiring prostitutes. Ideally that ought to be between a man and his wife and his conscience, not for the readership of the New York Post to drool over. But our formerly revered crusading Democratic briefly-governor had cracked down on call-girl operations when he was AG, and it was the monumental hypocrisy that was so universally galling. It pains me to say 14
Red White and Black and Blue by Richard Stevenson it, but this was a legitimate call by the other side. And think of the closeted gay pols who scorn gay marriage and sexual-orientation job-protection laws, and so on, and then it comes out they've got wide-stance tendencies in airport restrooms.
No, matters of character do count-openness, honesty, actually being the person voters are led to think a candidate is. Which brings us, Don, to why I've asked you to come over here today.'
'Good.'
Dunphy's cell phone warbled, and he picked it up, checked the number and shut the phone off. 'That'll wait.'
'Thank you.'
'Before we proceed, I can assure you that this office has been swept recently for listening and recording devices.
Somebody comes in every morning at six. It's Clean-Tech. We use them, and the Republicans use Hunsinger, and Louderbush uses Price. You should know that about Louderbush.'
'All right.'
'Since what we're about to discuss is extremely
'sensitive''-Dunphy waggled a set of quotation marks-'and by that I mean very dicey falling-into-the-hands- of-the-media-wise. I would normally ask that you sign a confidentiality agreement. But I'm told that you can be trusted, so a handshake is going to have to do.'
'Fine.'
'It's your reputation for borderline-difficult, independent-minded integrity, in fact, that got you recommended for this 15
Red White and Black and Blue by Richard Stevenson job. That plus, of course, the fact that you are said to be gay as a Greek sailor. That's true, am I right?'
'I've taken it up the butt more than once.'
Dunphy grew even pinker. 'So you're going to have an entree into gay circles, and you'll be able to gain the trust of gay people involved in this thing far more reliably than any heterosexual investigator we might have taken on.'
I said, 'I never heard that about Greek sailors.'
'Really?' He looked as if somebody had given him bad information, and what was this going to mean?
'So, what you seem to be getting at, Tom, is that Assemblyman Louderbush is secretly gay? If that's what this is-me outing another closeted pol-I'd have to give that some thought. Louderbush is anti-gay marriage, but otherwise he's not as rabid as a lot of his supporters. He did vote against the hate crimes bill, as I recall. But he's for civil unions, and otherwise he seems to prefer to avoid gay issues altogether. I can think of elected officials far more dangerous to the cause of gay rights than Louderbush. And there are some of those virulently antigay fellows who-if it was established that they'd had a few call boys up to their hotel rooms for back rubs or for luggage-toting duties on junkets to Ibiza-then I'd be prepared to go to town on the situation.
But I don't know about Louderbush. In the hypocrisy department, he wouldn't rank high on most lists.'
Dunphy looked somber. 'If it was just his being gay, I might agree.'
'So he is gay? What else?'
'Here's the deal. If it's true, it's really bad. There's no two ways about it. It is shameful and ugly. Two sources have led us to believe that Louderbush was once in a physically abusive relationship with a young gay man. Louderbush was the abuser. The young man committed suicide-driven to suicide by Louderbush, two of the young man's friends insist.
I'm not sure exactly how that would work; it sounds exaggerated. But whatever the truth of the situation, it does seem as if Louderbush was involved in a gay relationship that was messy and ugly and reflects poorly on his character. It was certainly a violation of his marriage vows, not that that alone disqualifies anybody from public office in this easygoing day and age, or should. But it's the physical and emotional cruelty to his boyfriend that-if true-is something I believe voters need to know about before deciding whether or not to cast a ballot for or against Shy McCloskey's primary election opponent.'
I thought about what I'd seen and read of Louderbush. 'He doesn't come across as mean.'
'I agree.'
'He's aggressive and noisy on behalf of what he sees as his libertarian principles. But the only people he seems nasty to are elderly people with medical problems. He wants to abolish Medicare, which at this late date has to be considered a sick joke. But that's all ideological and theoretical, and it's hard to imagine Louderbush actually beating up on any individual he's face-to-face with.'
'It could be a Jekyll and Hyde type situation with him. This happens.'
'I guess.'
'If it's not true, of course, we'd pay you for your time and effort, and that would be that. Truth, justice, and the American way would prevail whatever you came up with. But if it is true, well, you'd be doing your bit to help elect a good man governor of our state, and Louderbush could slink away and enter rehab and refind Jesus and live to drive us all nuts another day.'
I said, 'Okay.'
'Okay, what?'
'Okay, I'll do it.'
'Excellent.'
'I hate this stuff.'
'So do I.'
'Gay people should be held to the same moral standards for their behavior as other people. But anybody Louderbush's age-what is he, in his fifties? — grew up with so much homophobic crap getting heaped on them, it's a miracle most American homosexuals aren't seething and twisted deep inside. Seething or ashamed.'
'Really? Are you?'
'No. I got bored with all that long ago. There's just a bit of residual melancholy.'
'Before you start looking into what we've got on Louderbush,' Dunphy said, 'I should tell you one other thing.'
'What?'
'We know that the Republicans have gotten wind of this and they don't want it to come out. They want Louderbush on 18
Red White and Black and Blue by Richard Stevenson the Democratic primary ballot. The Ostwind campaign will be working overtime to discredit anything bad you come up with on Louderbush.'
'Oh, great.'
'They'll say it's all a smear. So you'll need to have all your ducks in a row before we leak this stuff to selected media outlets. Have I whetted your appetite, Don, for your work in the days and weeks ahead?'
