'Sort of.' I shiver.
'I'm not happy about this,' she says. 'I told them I needed more notice. I mean, before they spring things like this special training regime on me.'
I figure it's time to change the subject. 'Crete. You figure you'll be out of the course by then'
'Yes, for sure.' She nods. 'That's why I'll need to get away from it all, with you.'
'So that's what this Crete thing is all about. Judith wants to drop you headfirst into Dunwich for three months and you need somewhere to go to decompress afterwards.'
'That's about the size of it.'
'Ah, shit.' I pick up my book again, then my coffee cup.
'Hey, this coffee's cold.'
'I'll fix a fresh jug.' Mo carries the cafetiere over to the sink and starts rinsing the grounds out. 'Sometimes I hate this job,' she adds in a singsong, 'and sometimes this job hates m e ...'
The name of the job is mathematics. Or maybe metamathematics.
Or occult physics. And she wouldn't be in this job if she hadn't met me (although, on second thoughts, if she hadn't met me she'd be dead, so I think we'll call it even on that score and move swiftly on).
Look, if I come right out and say, 'Magic exists,' you'll probably dismiss me as a whack job. But in fact you'd be — well, I say you'd be — mistaken. And because my employers agree with me, and they're the government, you're outvoted.[2 Not to mention outgunned.] We've tried to cover it up as best we can. Our predecessors did their best to edit it out of the history books and public consciousness — the Mass Observation projects of the 1930s were rather more than the simple social science exercises they were presented as to the public — and since then we've devoted ourselves to the task of capping the bubbling cauldron of the occult beneath a hermetic lid of state secrecy. So if you think I'm a whack job it's partly my fault, isn't it?
Mine, and the organization I work for — known to its inmates as the Laundry — and our opposite numbers in other — countries.
The trouble is, the type of magic we deal with has nothing to do with rabbits and top hats, fairies at the bottom of the garden, and wishes that come true. The truth is, we live in a multiverse — a sheath of loosely interconnected universes, so loosely interconnected that they're actually leaky at the level of the quantum foam substrate of space-time. There's only one common realm among the universes, and that's the platonic realm of mathematics. We can solve theorems and cast hand-puppet shadows on the walls of our cave. What most folks (including most mathematicians and computer scientists — which amounts to the same thing) don't know is that in overlapping parallel versions of the cave other beings — for utterly unhuman values of 'beings' — can also sometimes see the shadows, and cast shadows right back at us.
Back before about 1942, communication with other realms was pretty hit and miss. Unfortunately, Alan Turing partially systematized it — which later led to his unfortunate 'suicide' and a subsequent policy reversal to the effect that it was better to have eminent logicians inside the tent pissing out, rather than outside pissing in. The Laundry is that subdivision of the Second World War-era Special Operations Executive that exists to protect the United Kingdom from the scum of the multiverse. And, trust me on this, there are beings out there who even Jerry Springer wouldn't invite on his show.
The Laundry collects computer scientists who accidentally discover the elements of computational demonology, in much the same way Stalin used to collect jokes about himself.[3 He had two Gulags full.] About six years ago I nearly landscaped Wolverhampton, not to mention most of Birmingham and the Midlands, while experimenting with a really neat, new rendering algorithm that just might have accidentally summoned up the entity known to the clueful as 'fuck, it's Nyarlathotep! Run!' (and to everyone else as 'Fuck, run!').[4 Except the Black Chamber, who would say, 'You're late — we're going to dock your pay.'] In Mo's case ... she's a philosopher by training.
Philosophers in the know are even more dangerous than computer scientists: they tend to become existential magnets for weird shit. Mo came to the Laundry's attention when she attracted some even-weirder- than-normal attention from a monster that thought our planet looked good and would be crunchy with ketchup. How we ended up living together is another story, albeit not an unhappy one. But the fact is, like me, she works for the Laundry now. In fact, she once told me the way she manages to feel safe these days is by being as dangerous as possible. And though I may bitch and moan about it when the Human Resources fairy decides to split us up for months on end, when you get down to it, if you work for a secret government agency, they can do that. And they've usually got good reasons for doing it, too. Which is one of the things I hate about my life ...
... and another thing I hate is Microsoft PowerPoint, which brings me back to the present.
PowerPoint is symptomatic of a certain type of bureaucratic environment: one typified by interminable presentations with lots of fussy little bullet-points and flashy dissolves and soundtracks masked into the background, to try to convince the audience that the goon behind the computer has something significant to say. It's the tool of choice for pointy-headed idiots with expensive suits and skinny laptops who desperately want to look as if they're in command of the job, with all the facts at their fiddling fingertips, even if Rome is burning in the background. Nothing stands for content-free corporate bullshit quite like PowerPoint. And that's just scratching the surface ...
I'm sorry. Maybe you think I'm being unjustifiably harsh — a presentation graphics program is just a piece of standard office software, after all — but my experience with PowerPoint is, shall we say, nonstandard. Besides, you've probably never had a guy with a shoulder holster and a field ops team backing him up drag you into a stakeout and whip out a laptop, to show you a presentation that begins with a slide stating: THIS BRIEFING WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN FIFTEEN SECONDS. It's usually a sign that things have gone wronger than a very wrong thing indeed, and you are expected to make them go right again, or something doubleplus ungood is going to happen.
Double-plus ungood indeed.
'Destiny-entanglement protocol,' I mutter, as Pinky fusses around behind me and turns the fat-assed recliner I'm sitting in to face the wardrobe while Boris pokes at his laptop. As protocols go, I've got to admit it's a new one on me. 'Would you mind explaining — hey, what's that duct tape for'
'Sorry, Bob, try not to move, okay? It's just a precaution.'
'Just a — ' I reach up with my left hand to give my nose a preemptive scratch while he's busy taping my right arm to the chair. 'What's the failure rate on this procedure, and should I have updated my life insurance first'
'Relax. Is no failure rate.' Boris finally gets his laptop to admit that its keyboard exists, and spins it round so I can see the screen. The usual security glyph flickers into view (I think that particular effect is called wheel, eight spokes) and bites me on the bridge of my nose. It's visual cortex hackery to seal my lips. 'Failure not an option,' repeats Boris.
The screen wheels again, and — morphs into a video of Angleton. 'Hello, Bob,' he begins. He's sitting behind his desk like an outtake from Mission: Impossible, which would be a whole lot more plausible if the desk wasn't a cramped, green metal thing with a contraption on top of it that looks like the bastard offspring of a microfiche reader by way of a 1950s mainframe computer terminal. 'Sorry about the video briefing, but I had to be in two places at once, and you lost.'
I catch Boris's eye and he pauses the presentation. 'How the hell can you call this confidential?' I complain. 'It's a video! If it fell into the wrong hands — '
Boris glances at Brains. 'Tell him.'
Brains pulls a gadget out of his goodie bag. 'Andy shot it on one of these,' he explains. 'Solid-state camcorder, runs on MMC cards. Encrypted, and we stuffed a bunch of footage up front to make it look like amateur dramatics. That and the geas field will make anyone who steals it think they've stumbled over the next Blair Witch Project — cute, huh'
I sigh. If he was a dog he'd be wagging his tail hard enough to dent the furniture. 'Okay, roll it.' I try to ignore whatever Pinky is doing on the carpet around my feet with a conductive pencil, a ruler, and a breakout box.
Angleton leans alarmingly towards the camera viewpoint, looming to fill the screen. 'I'm sure you've heard of TLA Systems Corporation, Bob, if for no other reason than your complaints about their license management server on the departmental network reached the ears of the Audit committee last July, and I was forced to take preemptive action to divert them from mounting a full-scale investigation.'
