Beautiful Lies

control, we have choices. The little ones, the big ones, these are the points on which our lives pitch and pivot. All we can do is make the best choices we can with what we know, and hope that things turn out the way we want.

My parents and I are muddling through in our new relationship. There have been a few screaming matches; all that rage and sadness I didn’t feel during our first confrontation have come to the surface more than once. But no one’s walked away or severed ties, no one has given up. The big stuff hangs between us. But we love each other, and we’re learning how to be together in this new life where there are no secrets and no lies between us. I have faith that when the hurt fades, our relationship will be stronger for being based on honesty. And I hope that my parents can find a way to love Jake, too, though I know in their hearts they blame him for all of this.

Christian Luna’s murder trial still looms. I will testify to what he told me and how I watched him die. The prosecutors will use that to prove motive for Angelo Numbruzio and the people from whom he takes his orders. Depending on the outcome of the trial, state prosecutors will decide how to proceed with the Project Rescue case. And that will determine Zack and Esme’s fate. My father will probably have some questions to answer. I know he’s frightened and so am I.

I haven’t spoken to Zack or Esme. Zack is in custody, charged with attempted murder. I try not to think about him the way I last saw him, about the fact that he tried to kill me and Jake. I try not to think about what has happened to his life. He and Esme have been advised by their lawyers not to speak to any of us. The deal they’ve made with prosecutors in the Project Rescue case prohibits it. Not that they’d want to talk to us. But I’d like to talk to Esme. I’d like to know who she was then and what she knows about the night that Teresa Stone died and about the other children who passed through the Little Angels clinic and disappeared. I think she’s the link, that she has the answers Jake and I still need. What do you think? Anyway, we may get those answers yet, as the investigation unfolds.

The media has already begun to feed. A show about Max and his alleged involvement in Project Rescue has already aired on Dateline. They made him seem like a monster. And to some people, I’m sure he is. But not to me. Project Rescue was ill conceived and the ramifications unspeakable. But he’s still Max. And more than that, he was my father. I’ve tried to recast him in my memory as that. But I can’t; not really. Not yet. As my father, he was flawed, guilty of some terrible errors in judgment at best. As my uncle Max, he was perfect, this bright star in the memory of my life. Is it wrong to want to keep that?

I don’t know what happened that night when he brought Jessie to my parents. I don’t know what his involvement was, if Teresa Stone’s murder was an accident. I may never know if my father was responsible for the murder of my mother. Whether the terrible legacy of abuse and murder Max spent his whole life trying to flee had caught up with him just the same. I remember often what he said to me that last night. Ridley, you might be the only good I’ve ever done. He was in so much pain. The demons he’d battled all his life had come for him. Later that night, they took him home.

The Dateline people called me, too, but I, of course, don’t do interviews. Not anymore. It will take all my courage and all my strength to talk about the things that have happened during Christian Luna’s murder trial when the time comes.

There are no villains here. Not really. If you think about it, there are no true villains in life. Only in fiction do we see distilled versions of good and bad. In life, there are only good and bad choices. And sometimes even choices can be judged only by their consequences. And sometimes not even then. I guess if you want to see Zack as a villain or Esme, you can. Maybe you think Max is the villain. But I think they all believed that they were doing right, right for the children, right for one another, right for me. No matter how wrongheaded their thinking was, it counts for something, doesn’t it?

What about all those children, all those other Project Rescue babies? I heard that a hotline has been established for people who suspect that they might have been one of those children. But my suspicion is that most of them don’t have the first clue about what has happened to them. I suspect that not many would want to know. I can’t imagine many parents stepping forward to say they’d obtained their child through an illegal adoption, if they weren’t forced to do so. But who knows, the truth can be a powerful lure to the shadow side. Maybe the universe will lead some of those children kicking and screaming to their truth, as it did for me.

From the moment Jake and I stood standing in his apartment, our hands locked, we have been allies. Yes, there have been lies and moments of doubt between us. And though those moments have been more extreme for us than for others in a new relationship, I don’t see it as being all that different. Don’t we reveal ourselves slowly, in parts, to the people we are starting to love? Don’t we pick and choose what we want them to see and when? Aren’t we afraid to be judged or rejected because of who we are, at least a little at first, until we grow more intimate, feel safer beneath each other’s gazes? Now Jake and I have a policy of total honesty between us. And that’s not always easy (as in, “Do these jeans make me look fat?”), but it’s always real. And I’ll take real any day over lies, no matter how they glimmer and shine, no matter how beautiful.

Acknowledgments

My most heartfelt thanks to…

…my agent, Elaine Markson, and her assistant, Gary Johnson, for their unfailing support and enthusiasm. They are absolutely my lifeline in this business. I can’t imagine where I’d be without them.

…Sally Kim for her wonderful and loving editing and for giving me such a beautiful home at Shaye Areheart Books. What a total love connection!

…Shaye Areheart for welcoming me with her warm and open arms. I feel so blessed to be a part of her universe, as it is infused with light and benevolence. Also, my thanks to Jenny Frost, Tina Constable, Philip Patrick, and Doug Jones for their tremendous energy, enthusiasm, and support. With them on my side, I feel like anything is possible.

…Whitney Cookman, Jacqui LeBow, Kim Shannon, Jill Flaxman, Kira Stevens, Tara Gilbride, Darlene Faster, Linda Kaplan, Karin Shulze, Alex Lencicki, and everyone in the Shaye Areheart Books/Crown family who made my first visit seem like a homecoming. What a privilege to work with such a bright and talented team of people.

…the wonderful network of family and friends with which I have been blessed, most especially: my husband, Jeffrey, for way too many reasons to list here; Heather Mikesell for her tireless reading of drafts, endless enthusiasm, and invaluable input; and my parents, Joe and Virginia, for their unflagging cheerleading and shameless bragging.

About the Author

LISA UNGER lives in Florida with her husband and is at work on her next novel.