That’s How I Roll

not needing you; that’s needing a job done.

Needing you, that’s different. Reliability is the foundation to that. They not only have to need you, they have to count on you.

If people don’t need you, there’s no such thing as a safe place.

Plenty of people might have a use for you, but all that does is get you used up. It’s only while they need you that you’re in that safe place.

Just because people can count on you doesn’t mean you can count on them. I once read that the definition of insanity is to act against your own self-interest. If that’s true, I guess the definition of stupidity is not to know your own self-interest.

So you can never be sure of but one thing: sooner or later, you are going to get used up. Why people think they don’t need you anymore doesn’t matter. Any safe place you find, it’s temporary, not permanent. That’s why you always need the next place picked out in advance.

Most folks wouldn’t understand how Death Row could be the safest place on earth. Not just for me—for Tory-boy, too. Every minute I stayed alive, he was safe.

It was what came after I was gone that I fretted so much about. But once I had my plans, I tested them in my mind, over and over again. It wasn’t until I knew I could truly rely on them that I was finally at peace.

hey always let Tory-boy visit me in the jail. The good folks around here, they might have lynched the Sheriff if he had barred that sweet, slow boy from visiting his crazy, crippled big brother.

Besides, the Sheriff worked for the same people I did, and he wasn’t the kind of man who could live on his salary.

“Esau, I’m scared,” Tory-boy whispered to me.

“What have you got to be scared of? Didn’t I tell you our house was always going to be safe?”

“I know. But … who’s going to tell me what to do now?”

“Me. I am.”

“But people say you’re going to …”

“Die? You can say it out loud, Tory-boy. It’s not a spell-word. It won’t come true just because you say it. I promise.”

Those last two words had been soothing him since he was a baby, and they had never failed to do so. “All right, Esau. Do you want me to—?”

I held my finger to my lips. He knew that signal before he could talk.

I didn’t like the way Tory-boy had been sneaking looks around the room where they let us have visits. I knew what was growing in his mind. Tory-boy can’t think more than an hour or so ahead, but inside of that hour, he could clamp down on any one thing. Clamp down and hold.

I could see his mind: There’s no guard near us. They don’t even lock the door behind me. Only one man on the desk in front. I can hit him hard. Then I can wheel Esau right out and put him in the van. We can go back to our place.

“I don’t want to get out of here.” I knew saying that wouldn’t frighten Tory-boy—he was used to me reading his thoughts.

“But … but you always say there’s a way out, Esau. Like our secret mine, right? We can go home, and get right down there, like you said we might have to do someday—right, Esau?”

“I’m not going to die,” I promised my big, powerful, life-cheated little brother. “Not until I decide to.”

Tory-boy nodded. I’d never need to tell him that again. If I said it, Tory-boy knew it was true. And once Tory-boy had something from me, King Kong couldn’t make him turn loose of it.

“I’m just going to another place,” I told him. “You can come and see me there, too.”

“Don’t you want to come home, Esau? To our place?”

“Not yet. My plan is going to take years to work. In the meantime, I need a quiet place to think, so I can make more plans.”

I could see by his face that he didn’t understand. But I never get impatient. And I knew just what to do.

“ ‘Our place.’ Say it with me again, Tory-boy.”

“Our place,” we said together.

“Our place is always safe, isn’t that true? Nobody ever hurt us in our place, isn’t that the truth?”

“Yes, Esau.”

“Well, I have to stay here for a while to keep it that way. It’s part of the spell. This is one hungry spell, Tory-boy; I’ve got to keep it fed. Remember how I taught you all about that?”

Now I had him—he was back on familiar ground. But when I told him I wouldn’t be coming home for a long time, it was more pain than he could conceal.

“Esau …”

“Don’t let me catch you crying,” I said, real soft.

Tory-boy fixed his gaze on me. One blink—dry eyes.

“You know how we watch TV together?”

“Sure!”

“We’ll still do that. I’ll be right next to you, like always. You won’t see me, but I’ll be there. I’ll always be there, Tory-boy. If you talk to me, I’ll answer. Right inside your head.”

He nodded. But I wasn’t sure he had it locked in as deep as I needed. So I said, “Didn’t I swear to you that the Beast would never come into our place? Into any place we had?”

“Yes, Esau.”

“It’s been way over twenty years, Tory-boy. Isn’t that long enough for you to believe me yet?”

“I always believe you!”

“Shhhh … I know you do. So you best believe me now when I tell you that I’ll always be there, even if you can’t reach out and touch me. I will never allow the Beast inside our place. Do you believe that?”

“Yes, Esau.”

“That’s my baby brother. My strong baby brother. That’s what I’ve been waiting to hear. Now, tell me: are you still getting your checks?”

“Miz Avery brings me the money every month. The first Monday. She always does.”

“Good. And what do you do with the money?”

“I keep one hundred dollars, and I give her the rest,” he recited.

“Good! And she buys food and puts it in our house?”

“Yes, Esau. Every time.”

The electricity and cable are paid right out of my account. Same for the propane. There’s no landline, but the bank is set up for the cell-phone deductions, too. Tory-boy and me, we each have one. I’ve got all the right numbers programmed into his phone, and all the speed-dial numbers programmed into his head.

The Sheriff was letting me keep my cell phone in the jail, but I know they won’t do that once I get to the penitentiary. Not unless money works as well in there as some people say it does.

But I’m playing it safe. I’ll get Tory-boy ready for when he won’t be able to call me anytime he wants. And there’s enough in my bank account to cover my baby brother’s bills for the rest of his life. Even if he lives to be a hundred, he’ll never have to leave our place. Our safe place.

“You know who to take your car to?” I asked him. I deliberately said “your car,” because, the quicker he got used to not using that van we had all fixed up for me, the better.

“Delbert’s place. Every month.”

“Perfect!”

He smiled when I praised him. If you want to see “innocent” for real, all you need is to watch Tory-boy smile. He doesn’t have any badness in him. None. Tory-boy’s as close to goodness as any man born of woman could ever be.

Delbert knew he had to keep our near-new Camaro factory-fresh. He got three hundred dollars a month for that, regular as clockwork, even if he didn’t do anything but put gas in it.

“That car’s still under warranty, Delbert. And I know Tory-boy’s not going to be using up that kind of money