Without even drying myself, I tossed my hair up in one towel and then wrapped another around my dripping body. Looking in the mirror over my sink, I was disgusted at the black, puffy circles around my eyes, and how hollow my cheek bones were.
Skulking back into my room, shuffling my feet along my fluffy carpet, I grabbed my makeup and turned on my flat iron. I sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the closet door mirror and began to apply eyeliner. This had become a habit from the first time I slept over at Randy's room in the fraternity house. I would always take my shower first, and while I got ready, Randy would wash up. The only place for me to be able to do my primping was on his floor, sitting Indian-style in front of a full-length mirror propped up against the wall Randy bought for me after I complained about not being able to do makeup in a fogged-up mirror.
Once my eyes were just the perfect blend of smoky gray and black, my natural curls burned into submission, I took one last look at myself in the mirror, again disgusted with my appearance. I still felt like an empty shell. It was terrible to see on my face. The lack of sleep, improper nutrition and guilt had started to take a noticeable toll. I grabbed my blush and bronzer, blending my cheeks more to hide my uncharacteristically pale skin. One last look in the mirror, I closed my makeup kit.
I rummaged through my closet, trying to find something to wear. All the way in the back, I found a dress that still had the tags on it from right after Randy got deployed. I had a lot of free time back then, and usually filled the void with shopping with Cali, mostly for things I had yet to wear. I yanked the dress off the hanger, slipped it over my head and pulled on a pair of wedges.
I sighed and trudged down the stairs to the freezer, taking my black-labeled savior out of his icy home. I was going to need all the help possible to put on a brave, put-together face, and whiskey was my known choice for liquid courage.
2
When my feet planted on the McManus’ front porch, a rush of warmth folded over me, almost like putting on a comfortable sweater. I always loved my in-laws, and I was truly happy I made the effort to come. Jim was hitting the big six-zero. The number had never fazed him; as he would put it, “you’re only as old as you feel.” His optimism was something I always admired, but his best feature was his laugh. He was always cracking jokes, even making himself roll on the floor from time to time. Jim had one of the best booming, barreling hoots I ever heard. He was known to cry, kick his feet up and cry hysterically during some of his fits. He was a big, burly man with a laugh that matched him pound for pound, bellowing through the huge smile he always wore.
I couldn’t even see Jim for a while, not after everything that happened. Looking into those deep brown eyes, seeing that big grin; even through all of it, the suffering, the grieving, Jim still smiled. I figured that was his way of holding onto the last few precious memories he had with his son. They were best friends, and had identical laughs, eye, and mouth.
As Liz opened the front door, I became wrapped into the warm embrace of lilac melted in orange cleaner. I hugged her soft body to me, telling her how beautifully her new bouncy bob hair cut complimented her face. Holding her was like taking in a breath of fresh air, her loving arms washed away my nerves for a moment. Her round eyes and pink cheeks perked up as she pulled away just enough to look into my face. “Margret, you look stunning!” She beamed, making me twirl around once for her. “It’s so nice to see you out of sweats.”
I smiled at the accolade, looking down at my sea-foam sundress and cork wedges, “I needed to start acting and dressing the way Randy would have wanted. He was always so happy. We should be celebrating the fact that we were lucky enough to have him.” The foreign words choked out from the back of my throat. Luckily, Liz didn’t seem to notice how forced they were. I didn’t like talking that way, it wasn’t in my nature, but Liz ate shit like that up, and it was amazing to see her this happy because of my words.
Before she formed a response, another pair of warm, familiar arms curled around my shoulders from behind, making my face light up like a little kid seeing Santa at the mall. I spun around and for a split second, I felt like I was looking into Randy’s eyes again. “Hi Papa Bear!” I threw my arms around his wide neck to whisper, “Happy birthday you old fart!” right in Jim’s ear. I couldn’t help but giggle as Jim beamed down at me, chuckling, his cheeks already turning rosy from the whiskey lingering on his breath.
“Mags, I am so glad you came,” his voice was joyous, and his arm was still round my waist. “Look at you! This is the Mags I know and love! Happiness looks great on you.” He released me, only to fill my hand with a beer, which had been waiting on the side table. I let the amber liquid flow down my throat, praying for a little liquid courage to keep my spirits up. I loved being with my in-laws, but the way that they acted so well-adjusted freaked me out. A lot.
I looked around the room at all of the familiar faces, most of which I hadn’t seen since the funeral, and before that, our wedding. The whole McManus clan was here, mingling with Jim’s work friends and some of Randy’s fraternity buddies. Since Randy lived so close to where we went to school, Liz and Jim became the second parents to any college kid looking for a hot meal, especially Walker. Even after so many years, they all knew where to come for good food, drinks and company.
The chatter from the living room was almost deafening. Randy and I were married right in the backyard, under an awning that Jim, Walker and Randy built together. Their backyard was tight, but it felt so cozy with all of our loved ones around. I could not have imagined a more perfect day.
I couldn’t believe it had only been a little over a year since I held so much happiness. Now I was an empty shell, and seeing everyone washed all the bittersweet memories over me again. The feelings warmed my heart and burnt my eyes all at the same time, as the memory of Randy’s funeral hit me like a ton of bricks smacking me in the face. Grieving, screaming, laughing, and crying; it was shocking how flashbacks would take over like that, throwing me for a loop. One moment remembering moments of pure bliss and the next getting run over by a dump truck filled with misery. I had to grab onto the back of the couch for balance until the terrible image finally left my mind.
Thankfully, my attention was pulled away from the back window as Walker’s eyes met mine from across the room. He was chatting with Mitch, who looked over at me with a wave. Mitch was a sight for sore eyes. All of us had been inseparable for years, since our first meeting during fraternity rush. I held up the bottle of whiskey from my freezer, and Walker nodded with a huge grin. He headed toward the kitchen, leaving Mitch to talk to one of Randy’s aunts, since he was too nice to excuse himself and risk someone thinking he was rude.
As I walked past the living room, following Walker’s lead, I heard Mitch telling her a story about his sheer heroism. A few months before Mitch had saved a family of four from their home engulfed in flames after the mother had fallen asleep with a lit cigarette in her mouth. Mitch was not one to boast too much but, Irena was eating it up, gasping and touching his lean arm muscles. For a lady well into her golden years, she sure could flirt and she was eating up her fire fighter man candy.
I set the bottle on the granite and grabbed shot glasses out of the cupboard. “You look good tonight, Mags. I’m glad you came.” Walker’s deep, sultry voice wrapped around his words seductively, as he leaned back against the entrance way, smiling at me. His tight white button down and low-cut jeans were hugging his muscles in all the right places and I stopped for a moment, mid-reach, to take in the amorous sight.
Trying to play off the chills that coursed through my entire body, I nudged him gently with my elbow. “Why does it seem like everyone is surprised I showed? I wouldn’t miss Jim’s birthday for the freaking world!”
I looked at Walker for an answer, but he just brushed it off. “It’s great to always have a drinking buddy at these things.” He walked the few steps over to me, wrapped me up in his strong arms and kissed my forehead lovingly, breathing in deeply as he did it.
I left the issue alone and poured both of us shots, shoving out of Walker’s embrace reluctantly with a playful grin and crimson spreading rapidly across my face. The way my body was reacting to him being that
