dream, except not.
She closed her eyes to focus on the sensation of him moving inside her, stretching her and touching the most sensitive spots in her body, and she felt herself being transported back in time. The years vanished, and she was the same girl who’d been so hopelessly in love with Ryan, the same girl who’d offered her body to him in the hope of getting love back.
Here they were, joined together again, and finally it felt exactly as she’d once hoped it would. If she just kept her eyes closed, she could forget reality.
He was kissing her as if he wanted to devour her, making love to her as if somewhere inside of her was what he needed to survive. Lorelei held on to him, heard herself whimpering at the pleasure that threatened to overcome her…
When he stopped kissing her, his gaze locked on her and he stared into her eyes. He saw her, or maybe he saw through her, and she could not remember how they’d ever been at odds, or separate or even two different people with their own bodies and desires.
She had never had such uninhibited, animal sex right out in the open before, and she didn’t want it to end. She savored each moment as if it might be the last…felt herself building toward something…her body tensing further and further still…Then her inner muscles began to quake, and she was surprised by the intense orgasm that overtook her suddenly.
Not caring who might hear, she cried out, gasping with the intense pleasure coursing through her. And a moment later, she could hear Ryan doing the same. He muffled his release by kissing her again, his tongue coaxing her to feel the moans that escaped his throat and entered her mouth.
When he’d finished spilling into her, he hugged her tightly and sighed raggedly. Then he eased out of her and set her down on her feet in front of him.
He held her against him as he caught his breath, and Lorelei became aware again that they were separate. Their bodies were two, not one. The deep hunger that had filled her had now been replaced by a delicious hum… and yet still, deep within, an ache remained, as if their one act of lovemaking had not begun to satisfy the desire that had burned within her for so many years.
“That was…incredible,” he whispered into her ear. “I forgot how amazing you feel.”
“I’m pretty sure we’ve both improved a bit over the years,” she said, smiling, but the mention of their first time together caused something inside her to harden.
She recalled why she was really here, to do as Kinsei had said and conquer this painful ghost of her past. She couldn’t get swept away in feelings that would only defeat her purpose.
“Come over here and sit,” he said, taking her hand and guiding her back to the rocks where they could sit and still be chest-deep in the hot water.
They sat half facing each other, her legs draped over his, and stared up at the sky.
“You wanted that to happen, didn’t you?” Ryan asked.
Lorelei found herself caught off guard by his frankness. “Of course I did,” she said. “Didn’t you?”
He chuckled. “Sure, but I didn’t want to presume…”
“Why else would we come here?”
“To enjoy a soak?” he offered.
“Don’t act coy.”
“I don’t mean to. I was just curious.”
Lorelei found herself wanting to tell him here and now, why they’d just done what they’d done. It felt like the right time. And so she did.
“I needed to do this,” she said. “To make peace with the past.”
He gave her a curious look. “How so?”
She slid her legs out of his lap and sat up straight, not caring that her breasts were now exposed to the cold night air and all the world, too.
“I really appreciated your apology, but I felt like I needed more than that. I needed to reverse the wrong that was done here before. I’ve spent fifteen years hating what you did to me.”
She stood up and started to climb out of the hot spring, but he grasped her wrist to keep her from going.
“Don’t leave,” he said. “Let’s talk.”
“I have to leave. It’s the only way I can feel any resolution.”
He let go of her, and she climbed out, grabbed her clothes and started getting dressed, still wet.
“So this meant nothing to you then?” he said. “You were just here for…
He spoke the last word as if it were something vile.
And maybe it was in this context, but she wasn’t going to feel guilty.
“That’s right,” she said, then swallowed hard. “It means nothing.”
WHY, LORELEI wondered for the next three days, did closure feel so damned awful? Wasn’t having sex with Ryan again supposed to bring her balance and a sense of peace with her past and all that?
It hadn’t given her anything but a sense of emptiness as she lay in bed alone every night. She buried herself in her work, but it didn’t help.
Ryan had tried to call her a couple of times, but she’d screened her calls and hadn’t answered, and he’d given up.
And then she’d felt bereft of him all over again.
She was sitting in the hospital cafeteria alone when her friend and colleague Maria Valdez sat down next to her, bearing a tray with two chocolate brownies on it.
“You look like you need one of these,” she said, offering one to Lorelei.
“Thanks.” Lorelei took it and broke off one corner, then put it in her mouth and chewed slowly. She could barely taste it.
“What’s going on with you? You’ve been moping around here like your dog died.”
She glanced over at Maria, at her warm brown eyes and half smile, and she shrugged.
“Hmm. Man trouble, huh?”
“Yep.”
“It’s the holidays. Seems to either make or break relationships.”
“I didn’t really even have a relationship. Just a…”
“A booty call?”
“No.” Lorelei laughed in spite of herself.
“Whoever it is, you’re sure looking like you want a relationship. Did he cheat on you? Lie to you? Steal your checkbook?”
“No, no and no,” Lorelei said. “He’s a good guy, I think. But I’ve been holding a grudge against him for something he did a long time ago, and I thought I’d finally evened the playing field-I thought I’d feel all empowered and victorious-but it just made me feel like shit instead.”
“Of course it did. You’re a woman. We can’t do anything blatantly mean without feeling bad about it.”
“I guess.”
“Men get revenge-women just get hurt.”
Lorelei swallowed another piece of brownie. She wasn’t sure she bought Maria’s sweeping generalization, but she thought of Kinsei. He was a man. He was the one who’d told her she’d feel better once she’d taken back her power from Ryan.
He’d never steered her wrong before, so what was going on now? Was it just that he’d given her advice meant for a man? She didn’t think so. Maybe she just needed to stop taking other people’s advice and make her own decisions.
“So now you’re all alone for the holidays?” Maria said. “You’re welcome to come join my family for Christmas Eve tomorrow. There’s a ton of us-it’ll be easy to get lost in the crowd.”
“I’m scheduled to work, but thank you anyway.”
“Whatever he did wrong, he’s not worth feeling bad about, you know?”
Lorelei took another bite of her brownie as her gaze landed on the necklace Maria wore, a thin gold chain with a silver and gold angel charm dangling from it.
