Some Quiet Place

He isn’t mad enough. If he calms down at all, he’ll go looking for Mom. “Yes, I’m a freak,” I concede, pasting an expression of false defiance on my face. “But at least I’m not a disgusting, abusive drunk.”

His fist lashes out more quickly than I anticipated.

There’s a swift intake of breath behind me. Someone watching. Fear. “Elizabeth!” I hear him snap. “Fight back!”

Slumped against the wall, I continue to shove aside those instincts and Fear’s desperate insistence. I get to my feet and face Tim. I provoke him with taunts and names until stars dance before my eyes. Somehow I know it’s guilt that makes my father sob. He doesn’t even seem to be aware of his actions as he knocks me to the floor again. I never once try to defend myself. Those words Mom was chanting become a string of sound in my head, meaningless yet somehow relevant in this moment. Save me, save me, save me …

Just before the darkness takes over completely, I see Fear standing over me, that strange sympathy still haunting his expression.

“See you soon, little Elizabeth,” he whispers.

Word gets around fast in a small town. Since there’s not much to talk about in the first place, everyone immediately grasps at the chance to gossip behind my back, their voices dramatic whispers that fill every corner of every room.

“I heard she let a guy beat her up as some kind of initiation for a gang.”

“Sophia Richardson kicked her ass after school yesterday. Didn’t you hear about their big fight in English?”

“She works on a farm—maybe a cow kicked her in the face or something.”

The stories and theories go on throughout the day. It’s strange how no one gets near the real story. Are people so eager to deny the obvious? Or do they really believe what they say? It’s times like these that I realize I don’t understand human nature as well as I’d thought.

It’s Tuesday. As the last bell rings, releasing everyone, I walk to my locker slowly, contemplating the excuses I can give Maggie for not being able to visit her. She can’t see the bruises on my face; she’ll only worry, and that can’t be any kind of advantage in her fight against the disease eating away at her body.

Someone slams into my shoulder, making me stumble. “Have fun doing nothing tonight, freak,” Sophia singsongs, a friend giggling at her side. In a whirl of perfume and labels the pair hurries away, swerving around a man. He catches my attention just as I’m about to face my locker again, and I pause to study him. He stands farther down the hall, right in the center of the tiled floor, legs apart. He’s staring at me. It’s hard to make out the features of his face because the double doors are right behind him and sunlight streams through the glass. Wrong, my instincts whisper. He’s not moving, and he’s clearly out of place in this high school. A bizarre blend of tastes fills my mouth.

Before I can dissect this further, the man turns his back. Hands shoved in his pockets so casually, he walks away. Thud. Thud. Thud. His long shadow stalks him. There’s a fresh flood of light as he pushes the doors open, and then he’s gone.

Curious. I dismiss the voice of warning in my head—I haven’t been getting too much sleep lately, what with all the dreams and faceless condemning whispers—and slam my locker shut, planning on using the phone to call Maggie. It’s become more of a habit than anything. But just as I shoulder my bag and aim for the office, I crash into Joshua Hayes. He grunts in surprise as he sprawls onto the floor. I look down at him.

“Sorry.”

He recovers quickly and grins up at me. His red hair is too long for a boy. It hangs in his face and splays over his jacket collar. “If you want to talk to me, you could have just said ‘hey,’” he says. Belying the boy’s cocky facade, Apprehension kneels down beside him, a soundless presence. Again, he doesn’t bother to acknowledge me.

Opening my mouth, I prepare to say a quick goodbye, but Courage’s words echo through my mind: someone believes you will need that boy in the end. I think swiftly and decide to follow the Emotion’s advice—there was something about Courage that assured me he’d spoken the truth when he said he doesn’t play games.

Silently, I extend my hand to Joshua, who hesitates for just an instant before taking it and allowing me to help him to his feet. His palm is damp, and when I let go, Joshua tries to discreetly wipe it dry on his pants.

“So … ” He grins at me some more, shyness overtaking him now. “In a hurry to get somewhere?”

“No,” I answer. “Just going home.” The office is only a few yards down the hall. I start toward it.

Joshua walks beside me without an invitation. He wants to know me, and he’s not about to let this opportunity slip through his fingers. At my words he chews his lip. “Oh.” He hides behind his hair as he thinks. “I’m going home too. Lots of chores,” he adds lamely.

“Yes.” I halt outside the door marked OFFICE. A memory nudges at me, and for some reason I voice it. “I remember my mom taking me to your house once when we were little. She was bringing your father casserole.”

He’s nodding, features tight and shadowed. His current emotions swiftly dissipate and evolve into something darker. Sorrow and Anger. They hound him like merciless spirits and I’m careful to keep my gaze away. “Yeah,” he says with a tightness in his voice. “I remember that, too. A lot of people brought casseroles after Mom died.”

“I’m sorry for your loss.” I meet his gaze and picture Courage as I make the words sincere. “Even though you know it’s not her fault, you must struggle not to be angry with her sometimes, for leaving.”

At this Joshua studies my bruises, and he isn’t trying to be subtle. He’s frowning fiercely, like maybe he’s thinking about saying something. But in the end all he says is, “You talk like you’ve lost someone before.”

“I haven’t,” I reply, deliberately curt. I sense the questions hovering on his tongue; I can’t encourage this. Joshua is the kind of person to take action if he thinks he hears a cry for help. But the statement—you talk like you’ve lost someone—brings back images of the girl in the woods, screaming up at the sky. The boy in her arms. That house by the ocean, the woman’s smile.

You killed me.

Knowing now is not the time to think about any of it, I put my hand on the doorknob as a hint that I’m finished with the conversation.

“Wait,” Joshua says quickly. I wait. He hesitates once more, looking down at his shoes. Then he takes a deep breath and lifts his head. “Can I … call you sometime?”

It’s taken him years to ask me, and here it is. Again, the words whisper through my mind: someone believes you will need that boy in the end. What end, I wonder once more.

Joshua is still holding that single breath, preparing himself for my rejection. I force a smile at him, pretending interest. “That sounds great.” I rattle off my number. Before he has a chance to stumble over a response, I duck into the office, already thinking about my phone call to Maggie.

Six

Charles finally tells Dad about college—I was right in thinking he was having problems. He dropped out, in fact. I’m up in my room, listening to Tim shout at my brother about responsibility, money, growing up. It doesn’t escape me that Tim is much more restrained with Charles than he is with me or Mom.

Afterwards, when Tim has stormed out of the house, leaving a menacing stillness in his place, Charles climbs the stairs. He comes into my room without knocking and flops face-down on my bed beside me. The bedsprings squeal from the added weight. Charles groans, but even after all of this, the only Emotion near him is Relief. Charles has had an easy life. Relief is stiff, younger-looking. He takes his purpose seriously; he doesn’t acknowledge me.

“What are you going to do now?” I ask my brother, staring up at the ceiling. The smooth expanse of white makes me think of the dream-girl’s skin in the moonlight.

Charles doesn’t seem to notice my distraction. He also doesn’t answer my question. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because he has no idea. I know him. All he has is his job at Fowler’s Grocery, and yet he isn’t afraid