“How soon, Mama? Sometimes in the night, I miss you so much that I cry,” said Angelica.
“Ah, baby, I’m so sorry I can’t be there. I cry, too. But not today. Not on Christmas. I hope you’re having fun, up there in the mountains.”
“It’s really fun!” said Angelica.
“I’m learning to snowboard,” Andre said.
“And Charlie got a puppy from Santa,” his sister added. “A real live puppy. Show her, Charlie.”
He took the pup from the crate and held it in front of the screen. “His name’s Taffy.”
“Wow, that’s really cute,” said Maya. “Santa was good to you this year.”
“Yes,” Angelica said. “I got what I wanted, Mama.
“Yeah,” Maya said, her voice rough. “Here I am.”
“I really wanted you to see me sing and I didn’t think it could come true and it did.”
“Are you okay, Mama?” asked Andre, his voice subdued. He sounded mature beyond his years.
Logan put a hand on the boy’s shoulder. Watching Maya on camera, he could see her struggling to keep her smile in place.
“I’m okay now, baby boy,” she said. “I swear, I’m okay.”
“Christmas wasn’t perfect.” Logan eased his arm around Darcy as they sat together on the sofa that night, after everyone else had gone to bed. “But it was one of my favorites.”
Darcy smiled, snuggling closer. The power hadn’t come on until evening, and their Christmas dinner had consisted of hot dogs roasted over the fire. Yet the kids had all had a great day, and they’d gone to bed content.
“Maybe we just have to redefine perfect,” she said. She felt nervous and excited. She told herself she’d better have the conversation she was afraid to have. If it didn’t go her way, if it scared him off, then at least she could know. She could move on with no lingering doubts. Would she miss him? Of course she would. Would it kill her? No, she’d survived worse.
She finally felt like herself again. After all this time and after all she had been through, her wishes and dreams had stumbled. They’d been downgraded. She had come to believe that shrinking her dreams was better than inflating her hopes. It was the ultimate self-protection against disappointment.
That was the wrong kind of thinking, though. In Logan’s arms, she remembered the value of taking a risk. It was better to risk everything for something she believed in than to hide from the best part of life, from love and connection and joy. Now here was this unexpected thing happening, right in the middle of her life, something she had never planned for or dared to imagine for herself.
With Logan, she discovered that the dreams she had set aside actually had a chance of coming true. Almost in spite of her hopes and fears, without even realizing it, something new was forming. She sensed it in the deepest part of her, the way she felt when something clicked into place. It seemed as if her body knew what was happening before her mind accepted the concept. She felt herself relax, a big unwinding of the squeezing tension she didn’t know she was holding on to. It was like exhaling at last after holding her breath for a year.
“How is this going to go?” she asked Logan. “Do we get a happy ending or...”
“What if it doesn’t end it all?” he asked.
“Meaning?”
He smiled and kissed her temple. “Suppose it’s a happy beginning that never has to end?”
She couldn’t think straight when he kissed her. “Fair enough. But there are logistics to consider.”
“Logistics,” he said, his voice prompting.
She shifted on the sofa, turning to face him. “Logan, we want different things.”
He looked away. “I always thought my happiness depended on having a family. You know, more kids. Brothers and sisters for Charlie. More babies to raise. That’s what I thought would make me happy.”
She felt her insides freeze up with apprehension. More babies to raise. Would she? Could she? “I don’t —”
“Something occurred to me,” he said.
She pictured a future with him. Pictured being pregnant, her belly growing. The discomfort. The night feedings. The struggles and the joy. With Logan.
This was not a compromise. With all her heart, she yearned to fall in love with him. It was already happening. But could she want the same things he wanted?
“Let me finish.” He stroked her hair. “Listen. Everything I imagined when I thought about the future has changed. And it’s because of you. I want you to be my future. Not some image I had, not some concept in my head. You make me happy. You and me together—that’s what I want. Us.”
“I don’t understand. What are you saying?”
“That now when I think of family, I think of you. And Charlie. I don’t need any more than that.”
Her breath caught, and then for no reason she could fathom, she started to cry. “I feel exactly the same way.”
“You do?”
“But I changed my mind about something, too.”
“Darcy—”
“No, listen. I’ve been so scared, for so long. Scared of hurt and disappointment. Then I realized disappointment doesn’t kill you. Either it just teaches you not to hope...or it shows you how strong you can be.”
“I won’t hurt you, Darcy. I won’t disappoint you.”
She trusted that with all her heart. “I know,” she said. “I want the future with you, too. I want the family. I want us.” Declaring this to him made her feel both vulnerable and liberated. She put her arms around him, praying she would never have to let him go. “What I don’t know is if I can keep from disappointing
“I’ve heard you’re a true believer. You told me so yourself.”
“Yes.”
“Then you have to believe wishes can come true.”
Saddle Mountain was overrun with children, and Darcy loved it. She reveled in it—the noise, the chaos, the bickering, the laughter, the fun. It was easy to find delight in every moment. Even Andre and Angelica were present. Following her release, Maya had relocated to Avalon. She had a little rental apartment in town, and she worked at the bridal shop, doing alterations. She was in a safe place with her kids, far from her ex.
Another family had come for the holidays this year—the Fitzgeralds. The parents and sisters, Lydia and Badgley with their new baby. Huntley was nowhere to be found, and no one seemed to miss him.
The past year had been a time of growth and change for Darcy. It had not always been easy. She still caught herself looking over her shoulder, back at the past—but mostly she faced forward.
Falling in love with Logan was very physical. Not only in the standard sense of the word, with the pounding heart and giddy light-headedness. She felt all that, and it was incredibly beautiful, more wild and exhilarating than any ride on a snowboard or surfboard. But there was more to it than that.
