I’d better not look out of that window to do any detectiving, I think. So I decide to do all my paperwork.
I think this could actually be my favorite thing about being a detective: I get out all my pens and rulers and draw a map of my area, marking up all the places of IMPORTANCE to the CRIME.
And after I have done that, I draw a diagram of the five suspects’ houses, and I write their names . . .
After that I write up any evidence I’ve found.
Brendan O’Gooley (PRIME SUSPECT/THE BIG BUTTHEAD) lives in the house on the corner in the downstairs apartment.
The top apartment is to let. I know this because there is a sign outside, which Corner Boy has changed so that it says . . .
At the house next door, the top apartment is for sale. I know this because there is a sign, which Corner Boy has changed so it reads . . .
Underneath that are Dale, Shaza, and Bizmo. I realize they also have a van—like Brendan (useful for transporting stolen dogs).
But I also realize that it would be almost impossible for them to be handling the dogs with Bizmo around, because he’d be trying to fight them, and I conclude that for that reason . . .
. . . THEY ARE NOT LIKELY TO BE THE THIEVES.
Next door there is just Mrs. Crompton. She owns the whole house. I think she also is very, very unlikely to be stealing dogs. She’s 102, and she lives with four cats.
VERY, VERY UNLIKELY TO BE THE THIEF.
Next door to her is the Dog Lady.
POSSIBLE MOTIVE: SHE WANTS TO OWN ALL THE DOGS IN THE WORLD.
Next to her is the house of Michael Beard, Rupert Beard, and Mrs. Beard (their mom). I am thinking, I can easily imagine they might be taking dogs. But I cannot think WHY.
Then someone comes in.
It’s Corner Boy holding a plate of food.
“I’ve made some cookies,” he says.
(They look disgusting. I swear he’s put maggots in them!) “I’m raising money for my dad, because he’s still in the hospital.”
“Oh, right!” I say, and I buy all of them.
I tell Corner Boy I think Brendan O’Gooley is the dog thief.
“He’s probably selling them,” says Corner Boy. “Rich people buy them. They stuff them and put them on the wall, and they make wallets out of their ears, and they have the tails sticking out of the walls for when they want to turn on the lights.”
I am trying to picture that.
“I can’t believe that!” I say.
“It’s true,” he replies. “My mom read it in the paper.”
Then he goes.
But wait one moment, I think as he clumps down the stairs. If someone is stealing dogs for money, then I bet it’s the Beards. They’ve definitely got loads of cash all of a sudden.
I decide I have to spy on them again. That’s at 5:43 p.m.
I peek out of the curtains and see the Beards are in their garden. What are they doing? They disappear.
I keep looking, but I don’t notice anything till 6:42 p.m. when I see Dale and Shaza taking Bizmo out.
Moments later, Dale and Shaza are getting into their van, and I THINK I SEE Brendan. His evil face appears at the window by his door for one second. Then he goes.
But I couldn’t be quite sure. It’s not easy running a two-man stakeout when one of you has badly sprained his leg, and the other is a dog. Wilkins is sleeping. Sprawled on his back, he is snoring like a pirate.
I decide to join him for a moment.
But then I wake up a few minutes later to find the Cat is in my room. She is sitting on the floor playing with Wilkins.
She’s making him walk on his back legs.
He looks like a little old man (with a very long nose). On each step he farts. Blll-blll-blll.
“This is hilarious!” she says. “I’ve got to take him outside to show this to everyone!”
So now I’m thinking: You’ve just gotten here. Why would you go straight out again?
I say, “I don’t think you should take him, actually, because Mrs. Welkin says I am looking after him.”
But Cassidy must know Mrs. Welkin is in the house.
She shouts . . .
I can’t believe that. As I look at her the cannonballs are booming in my head. I’m thinking . . .
I said she can’t take him . . . ! How DARE she ask Mrs. Welkin?
I’m thinking . . .
WHO are her so-called friends?!
I’m thinking . . .
I bet it’s the Beards!
I’m thinking . . . Bring those jockeys to me. I shall FLING them into space!!
But Mrs. Welkin is probably just thinking that Captain Wilkins has been in my room all afternoon; he must need a poo.
She’s not wrong. Captain Wilkins is now so full of gas he could blast off into space with just his own fart.
“You can only have Wilkins for FIVE MINUTES,” I tell Cat. “Clean up after him with a plastic bag. And don’t take your eyes off him for even one second.”
She then gives me a don’t-be-an-idiot look, as if I were the one who’s maybe about to make a very bad mistake.
“I won’t!” she says, and she goes.
I don’t like this one bit. But there’s nothing I can do. So I just read about Napoleon.
CHAPTER SIX Betrayal
In this chapter, the British catch Napoleon and say he can’t be emperor anymore.
They make Louis king of France instead, and banish Napoleon to a small island called Elba.
Napoleon is furious. He wants to complain. Then he gets a better idea.
He just escapes.
Napoleon gets in a boat, and he sails to France.
BUT THEN . . . King Louis sends a huge army of French soldiers to stop Napoleon.
And Napoleon just gets off his horse. And he pulls
