“Angel, you know it’s all part of the show. I was just telling that girl I was nervous too. She was shaking so hard, I thought she was going to have a panic attack right there. Is that what all this is about?”
She doesn’t answer me, she just continues to cry as I hold her. I kiss the top of her head and stare out the window, looking for the words to comfort her. A light on top of a cell tower flickers in the distance, warning planes of possible danger, and I can’t help but think it’s a warning for me to tread lightly. I pull her tighter to me.
“Remember when I told you the story about when I got to meet Chester Bennington from Linkin Park?” She doesn’t answer me. I’m sure she remembers because it was a defining moment for me. One that put me on the path I’m on today, but I tell her anyway, needing to hear the story out loud as much for me as her.
“I was thirteen and my dad bought VIP tickets to their concert. As in first row, as in I could see every key Mike Shinoda played.” I smile into her hair at the memory. “My dad wasn’t a fan by any means, but for that concert he learned every single word of every single song they’d ever released, and he sang along right beside me. Through the second verse of ‘Numb,’ Chester Bennington walked off the stage and along the fence of the VIP section. He held his hand out, and fans screamed and shoved each other for one touch. I was in awe. I remember clutching the fence, my knuckles white to stop my hands from shaking. My idol was literally two feet away from me. It was a feeling I’ll never forget. He turned to look at me, singing into his mic, and then walked over. Em, my heart was crashing against my rib cage. He gave his mic to the security guy behind him and removed the leather strap from his wrist and handed it to me. People were jostling and pushing and trying to grab the strap from my hands, but I held on to it with everything I had.” I finger the leather on my wrist, very frayed and worn but still intact. “He didn’t say a word to me, but he gave me something more than a strap that day. He gave me a dream. I slipped the band onto my wrist and pulled the straps tight so it would fit. I’ve never taken it off—only added more. On days when shit gets too much, I’ll grab a beer and sit on my porch and remember my dad jumping up and down next to me, singing till our voices were hoarse.”
I pull away and tilt Emily’s chin so I can see her face. “Every time I take a fan onstage, I remember the feeling I got when Chester gave me the leather strap, and I remember one of the happiest nights of my life. It wasn’t long after that, that Dad died, and I always wonder if he knew his time was limited, and he needed to give me something to hold on to. It’s why I do what I do, Em. I need to give back. I know how an important experience like that can mold your life. It changed everything about mine. I’m sorry it hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you, Angel.”
“It’s not just the girls onstage, Kade.” Emily looks down at her hands and clasps them together. She squeezes them so hard her thumbs turn a red that I can see in the barely illuminated car. “It’s the way fans feel like they own you. It’s the panties you get in the mail, the naked pictures on email. The way they talk about you on social media.” She looks up at me, her face wet with tear tracks, and I rub my thumbs lightly over her cheeks. The salt stings me like I’ve got open wounds. “While you’re theirs, you’ll never be mine, Kade. When you were playing bowling alleys and bars, it felt contained. You were theirs for a short while, and then I got you back. It’s not like that anymore, and what kind of person does it make me, that I can’t share you with your dream? I thought I could do it, that I’d get used to it all. I figured watching you onstage would help. I thought if I made things more…” She turns away from me and looks out the window. “I can’t do this, but I can’t live without you. I’m trapped.”
Her shoulders shake, and I gather her into my arms again. “I’m not theirs, Angel, I’m yours. Only yours. You’re everything to me. You make me who I am, you give me everything. I’m nothing without you.” I’m floundering, trying to find words I can’t express as guilt and remorse smother me. How did I not see this coming? How could I not know she was struggling the way she was? “I want you, not those other girls. That’s all performing. What you and I have is real. You have to know that?”
She pushes off me and moves across the seat. After digging in her purse for a tissue, she wipes her eyes and blows her nose.
“Em, you have to know you’re my everything.”
“Can we just go home?”
“Em, please. We need to talk about this.”
“Kade, I just need to go home. Please take me home.”
My stomach sinks and I run my hands through my hair. I blow out a breath and turn the key, flicking my gaze to Emily once more before I pull out onto the road. I tell myself she’s right: we just need to get home and take a breather, and we can talk about it once we’ve both calmed down. Emily stares out the window the entire ride. With every mile we get closer to home,
