"Then what happened?" I asked.
"Well, he cleaned out their bank account the next day. He figured he'd leave her the house, which was almost paid for, and that ought to be good enough for the damn little satisfaction she had given him over the years. The next thing he knew he was ass-deep in legal talent, both hers and his. She was going to divorce him and it looked like she could force him to continue making the house payments. He could have afforded everything because his job paid so well, but then came the straw that broke the camel's back: she sent him the bill from a photographer she hired to take pictures of the wrecked model trains to prove to the court that he was 'mentally unstable' and had violent tendencies.'
"Shortly after that he was sitting in a bar thinking about these goings-on and brooding about the whole mess when he saw an article in the paper about this guy who stepped out for a pack of cigarettes one day and vanished into thin air. He started thinking about his life and realized he didn't have anything to hold him down. He didn't have any emotional ties, he didn't give a shit for his job, he had some money put away, and he was in pretty good health."
"So he took off, just like that guy in the paper," I said.
"Not immediately. He thought about where he would go. He always liked the San Francisco area and so he took a few trips up there. The more he saw, the better he liked it. And the longer he waited, the more he realized that his ex-wife and those ambulance chasers were going to gnaw on his bank account until it was all gone. He went on this way for four or five weeks until he realized that every time he thought about splitting, he felt better. So he did it."
"With no references or ID he must have had a tough time making the switch," I said. I was hoping he'd tell me about rigging-up this new identity, but he looked at me sort of funny as if he'd just realized he had maybe said more than he intended to. He looked over my shoulder and saw something that made him climb off his stool.
"A friend I'm taking out to dinner just arrived," he said. "Thanks for the beer, but I've gotta go. Good luck with your book."
The friend he was meeting was an attractive, well-dressed lady in her late twenties or early thirties. They greeted each other with obvious affection. They chatted, looking over at me a couple times, then left. I've seen neither of them since.
While it is fairly common for a man to leave his wife and disappear, especially if he is being taken to the cleaners in a divorce, it is very rare for a woman to leave her husband. Some of the reasons for this are obvious.
The system of "justice" in the United States is heavily slanted in favor of women in a divorce. Why would a woman want to split on her husband if she could divorce him and make him take care of most of her bills? It wouldn't make any sense.
Also, a woman does not face the same kind of pressures when married as the husband does. Both of them may work, but the man's income and career are usually seen as the financial foundation of the family. And men have more psychological pressures on them to succeed and build a career than women do. A husband usually will not disappear if his marriage turns sour or he hates his job, but the combination of the two can be devastating.
Without a doubt the greatest reason for women to disappear is battering. When a spouse or lover is violently abusive, divorce and separation are not very attractive remedies. In either situation, the estranged woman is still vulnerable while living in the same town or using her real name. The police are unable and, in many cases, unwilling to provide her with adequate protection. In these cases, disappearing may be a matter of basic survival.
Disappearing is further complicated for women who have children. It is hard enough for one person trying to disappear--it is damn near impossible for a whole family to vanish. A woman on her own is not likely to take much abuse before walking out on her man; women with children have been known to put up with an awful lot before seeking help. And the longer the woman puts up with it, the more likely her man is to hunt her down if she tries to leave.
It is the fear of being harmed that is the cause of most female identity changes. Perhaps this is why I have never talked with a woman disappearee. A man who successfully adopts a new identity is justifiably proud of his achievement and is willing to talk about it with a perfect stranger. But a woman who has disappeared out of fear for her safety is not likely to reveal her secret to anyone she hasn't come to know intimately.
Occasionally, the deciding factor that makes a husband disappear is a desire for revenge. The abandoned wife is, in almost all respects, in a far worse position than a widow. All her alternatives will be expensive and difficult, including hiring detectives to find him, getting a divorce or having him declared legally dead. And she is not likely to have many resources at her disposal to pay for these things.
In most cases it will be a year or longer before she can sell any real or personal property that's in his name or in both of their names. Depending on where she lives she may not be able to sell property in her own name immediately. In the meantime, she will have to make all the payments
