My toes curl against the icicle tiles of the Washroom. I wipe away the condensation on my face. I have become an expert at dialing the loose shower knob to steal the little heat left. It gives me a sense of life again.
I dress rapidly in fresh scrubs and pull a bottle of beer from the compact refrigerator, directing its cap at the overflowing wastebasket. I wash down my sleeping pills and plop in the chair, leaning to review the Hospital Daily.
Whenever communicating, use this non-offensive language:
Replace “Asian” with “An individual with ancestral connections to individuals from the southeastern region of Asia.”
Replace “pregnant” with “An individual who is host to an unborn human.”
Replace “child” with “progeny” (“child” may involve age bias). Never use “son” and “daughter.”
When describing someone, terminate use of adjectives before nouns (e.g., say “an individual who is tall” versus “a tall individual”).
Remember to arrive to work at least fifteen minutes early every day. Leave fifteen minutes after your shift to ensure all work is complete. This time is not compensated.
Employee voicemail greetings must include the phrase “I will return your call within thirty minutes.”
When leaving phone messages for patients, employees cannot state the name of the hospital, their own name, their title, our phone number, or the reason for the call. This secures patient privacy.
For improved patient privacy, we are removing all windows from the building.
To limit legal risks, we do not permit employees to receive thank you cards or gifts from patients. Please reject all gifts and cards and reference this policy.
To ensure a respectful environment, you may not decorate your office with personal items such as family photos.
We respect personal space. No one is allowed to touch a patient unless necessary for a medical procedure. Please refer to Human Resources for instructions on how many inches of distance to keep in different situations.
Ensure that you take a ten-minute rest break every four hours but remember not to take breaks between 8 AM and 10 PM.
For vacations, remember that you cannot take off two consecutive weeks. Requests must be made one year in advance and you must ensure coverage before taking any vacation. All overdue work must be complete within two days after your return. No vacation time is available in November, December, May, July, or August.
Family leave, including for funerals, is for first-degree relatives. You must provide a DNA sample to HR and receive laboratory confirmation before taking such leave.
You must use accrued paid time off (PTO) for nationally observed holidays, sick time (including doctor’s visits), family leave, vacations, rest breaks, bathroom breaks, and lunchtime. Ninety days’ advance notice to HR is required for each incident. Once approved, complete Forms 42-A and 7-B35 for each incident and have them signed by your supervisor.
If an unexpected personal or family matter arises, please remember that you must request time off with at least two weeks’ notice.
When renewing your license, remember to update Forms 855R and 5649, the Employee Portal, the Employee Dashboard, the HR Compliance Database, and Payroll Sourcing. Provide copies to HR and your supervisor within three days. You must document all continuing education credits.
Please remember to take your annual exams for Sexual Harassment, Best Practices, Ethics & Law, Workplace Safety, and Customer Satisfaction.
Remember to make use of our Employee Fitness Program!
Ask yourself, “How many benchmarks did I hit today?” Next, ask yourself, “Should I develop a new Development Plan?”
We are a family-first and mental-health-friendly workplace!
Add an Hour to the Clock is a federal research program to add an hour to every day. To participate, please contact HR.
Please encourage family members to donate the remains of their deceased for meat production.
On the same bulletin board is the old ASM News article, posted by Dudley.
“They’ve let me go, Billy,” he told me the day he was fired.
“What?”
“Today, I told Elizabeth, the nurse’s aide, that her new hairstyle was nice. She claimed it was harassment.”
“Are you kidding?”
“‘Did you cut your hair? It looks good. Thanks for bringing down the charts.’ That’s it. I barely even looked at her.”
“Really?”
“Do you know what the worst part is?” he said, his lips quivering. “What am I going to do with my time? I don’t know what else to do.”
The virus killed him three weeks later.
A large gulp hurts my throat. Like him, I warned people with Armand Vander’s Zeitgeist manifesto. They belly-laughed first and then snarled.
I rest my head between my arms on the tabletop. With a deep breath, I remember briefly what life used to be like. I close my eyes and hope I’ll dream of yesterday again.
Psychologists say we avoid the things we fear. Some say the thing we fear the most is the unknown, but the thing we really fear is the monster that resides within the unknown, and that monster is truth.
My eyes feel salty. In the mirror, I inspect them for red streaks. I slide my tongue over my teeth and notice only that they are filmy. My palms are clear. I am free of infection. I just need to make it through this shift.
I wish I felt more rested. It is 4:35 AM. “Turn on the TV,” I command my Organelle. Static. “Find a working channel.” The only station left on-air is an emergency news ticker, and the information is a few hours old.
I realize suddenly that I have not heard the intercom for a while, and after peering into an empty hallway, I leave to investigate.
The other labs are empty, although charts are open and coats hang over door-tops. Maybe they evacuated, but Chang and Hamid would have passed me on the way out. I navigate the tightrope of clutter to the Cafeteria, where empty chairs border tables. Organelles are scattered among dirty plates and trays.
“Anyone here?” I call.
Through the
