To the onlooker I am Thomas, a 34-year-oldman. Well thought of locally; well-presented and affluent; the epitome ofnormality. In all honesty I was someone who was to be respected and looked upto. Many co-workers aspired to be like me so tangled and expertly woven was theweb I’d weaved. There was not a crack to be seen in the picture-perfect façade;even down to the beautiful wife I had chosen and of course the naturally giftedand handsome son I’d fathered.
Not until that day. This was distinctlyout of character. A strange visitor in the middle of the night. However, therewas no on-looker and, had there been, he wouldn’t have understood the scene forwhat it was. Yes, I stood there, but only in form for I wasn’t there, I hadbeen transported back to February 12th 1998.
Atidal wave of emotions overcame me and no longer was I self-assured 34-year-oldThomas. I was a 14-year-old boy lost in time and space dealing with asituation, its magnitude way too huge to comprehend.
CHAPTER 2
I
barely registered the hand pressing on my shoulder. In somedistant place I heard my name being called. I was still lost in thought, butthe sound of my name was becoming more urgent, piercing the black.
My eyes opened and took in the scene.There was no figure before me. He had disappeared. All I could see was myfrozen garden; it was breathtakingly beautiful this frozen scene. However, thecold cut through my throat and lungs and rendered me speechless.
“Thomas; Thomas, are you OK?”
Janey was calling my name, not George, hervoice full of tenderness and concern. Still I was unable to respond but Iturned around and gradually I began to pull myself back to present day.
She was speaking very quickly, too quicklyfor me to understand and form any kind of response.
Why was I at the door in themiddle of the night in the freezing cold?
When was I coming back to bed?
I remained silent and eventually she tookin the scene; how ridged my body was and how utterly lost I looked when shemade eye contact. She simply embraced me, and I could feel myself going limp inher arms. I wanted to sob and stay held like this forever. A small urgent partof me told me to pull myself together; not to let Janey know. This feeling grewand I was able to regain some form of composure.
I needed a cover-story to explain thestate she found me in and this, I discovered, rolled easily off the tongue.“I’m so sorry to have woken you, I heard a noise outside and thought we mighthave an intruder. I went to investigate but thankfully there was no-one there.It gave me a fright and I’m sorry to have alarmed you.” She guided me inside,away from the frozen scene.
Everything seemed so absolutely normalinside the confines of my house. I began to wonder if I had imagined the wholething.
“Let’s go back to bed, sweetheart,” shesaid, her words again barely registering as I flitted between the two scenes.
I dutifully followedher upstairs and we made our way to bed. She lay curled up beside me, holdingme close, her body so warm it should’ve melted the icy cold feeling whichenveloped me, but it didn’t.
There was no sleep tobe had that night. My beautiful wife lay cocooned in a cosy blanket of sleep,her breathing not fitful. It was the contented breathing of someone in deepsleep. It hit me right at that moment seeing how perfect she was, would I eversleep like that again?
As I lay awake in the gloom, I ponderedthe scene again. Did I actually see George, or had I imagined it? Janey saw noone when she met me at the door. However, those two words still rang veryloudly in my ears: ‘it’s time.’
Whether George was there or not was reallyof no consequence – my demons had finally caught up with me and I knew I had todecide where to go from here.
Monday morning rolled around as it woulddo any other Monday morning. My world had spun upside down on its axis, yetMonday morning still arrived. Dawn broke but the sun barely penetrated the lowcloud in the sky. Without the aid of the sun the frost would permeate everyobject it encountered. I could almost feel the icy tendrils seeping through mywindowpane.
Somehow, I need to muster the strength toget out of bed and go about my day. Janey and Michael can’t know anything haschanged. I watch as Janey lazily stretches out and gathers herself in thedarkness. I know no matter the outcome of events I will always love this woman.The question in my mind is whether she will still love me if she knows allabout my past. I cannot ruminate on this for her eyes are opening. Straightaway she is concerned, wondering if I managed to get to sleep after the eventsof the night.
I lie and tell her yes, eventually I haddrifted off. Why not, lies have become second nature to me over the years. Thedeck of cards I have built my life on are based on the very shaky foundationsof lies and deceit.
I hear Michael’s alarm go off. I reassuremyself – I have done a good job in raising Michael. He is a very happy,well-adjusted kid and it occurs to me that he is the very same age as I was onthat fateful day when everything changed – 14 years old.
What I wouldn’t giveto turn the clock back and start things over. Michael has only the normalworries any 14-year-old boy should have to contend with – friends, girlfriends,and getting enough money to keep up with his various hobbies. His friendshipcircle is as wide as his variety of hobbies. I can’t keep up but love to hearall about his life.
He is an open childand it’s one of the qualities I love most about him. Clearly, he’s snoozed thealarm as the wailing noise has stopped. Another thing I love about him, hislaid-back nature and attitude towards life! Nothing is rushed with Michael, ‘itall happens in its
