Dhalgren

it, and toss it away.

Only two out of forty-some park lights (he'd started counting) were working. The night's overcast masked all hint of dawn. At the next working light, within sight of the lion-flanked entrance, Tak took his hands out of his pockets. Two pinheads of light pricked the darkness somewhere above his sandy upper lip. 'If you want — you can come back to my place…?'

5

'…Okay.'

Tak let out a breath—'Good—' and turned. His face went completely black. 'This way.'

He followed the zipper jingles with a staggering lope. Boughs, black over the path, suddenly pulled from a sky gone grey inside a V of receding rooftops.

As they paused by the lions, looking down a wide street, Tak rubbed himself inside his jacket. 'Guess we're about to get into morning.'

'Which way does the sun come up?'

Loufer chuckled. 'I know you won't believe this—' they walked again—'but when I first got here, I could have sworn the light always started over there.' As they stepped from the curb, he nodded to the left. 'But like you can see, today it's getting light—' he gestured in front of them—'there.'

'Because the season's changing?'

'I don't think it's changed that much. But maybe.' Tak lowered his head and smiled. 'Then again, maybe I just wasn't paying attention.'

'Which way is east?'

'That's where it's getting light.' Tak nodded ahead. 'But what do you do if it gets light in a different place tomorrow?'

'Come on. You could tell by the stars.'

'You saw how the sky was. It's been like that or worse every night. And day. I haven't seen stars since I've been here — moons or suns either.'

'Yeah, but—'

'I've thought, maybe: It's not the season that changes. It's us. The whole city shifts, turns, rearranges itself. All the time. And rearranges us…' He laughed. 'Hey, I'm pulling your leg, Kid. Come on.' Tak rubbed his stomach again. 'You take it all too seriously.' Stepping up the curb, Tak pushed his hands into his leather pockets. 'But I'm damned if I wouldn't have sworn morning used to start over there.' Again he nodded, with pursed lips. 'All that means is I wasn't paying attention, doesn't it?' At the next corner he asked: 'What were you in a mental hospital for?'

'Depression. But it was a long time ago.'

'Yeah?'

'I was hearing voices; afraid to go out; I couldn't remember things; some hallucinations — the whole bit. It was right after I finished my first year of college. When I was nineteen. I used to drink a lot, too.'

'What did the voices say?'

He shrugged. 'Nothing. Singing… a lot, but in some other language. And calling to me. It wasn't like you'd hear a real voice—'

'It was inside your head?'

'Sometimes. When it was singing. But there'd be a real sound, like a car starting, or maybe somebody would close a door in another room: and you'd think somebody had called your name at the same time. Only they hadn't. Then, sometimes you'd think it was just in your mind when somebody had; and not answer. When you'd find out, you'd feel all uncomfortable.'

'I bet you would.'

'Actually, I felt uncomfortable about all the time… But, really, that was years back.'

'What did the voices call you — when they called?'

At the middle of the next block, Tak said:

'Just thought it might work. If I snuck up on it.'

'Sorry.' The clumsiness and sincerity of Tak's amateur therapy made him chuckle. 'Not that way.'

'Got any idea why it happened? I mean why you got — depressed, and went into the hospital in the first place?'

'Sure. When I got out of high school, upstate, I had to work for a year before I could go into college. My parents didn't have any money. My mother was a full Cherokee… though it would have been worth my life to tell those kids back in the park, the way everybody goes on about Indians today. She died when I was about fourteen. I'd applied to Columbia, in New York City. I had to have a special interview because even though my marks in high school were good, they weren't great. I'd come down to the city and gotten a job in an art supply house — that impressed hell out of them at the interview. So they dug up this special scholarship. At the end of the first term I had all B's and one D — in linguistics. By the end of the second term, though, I didn't know what was going to happen the next year. I mean about money. I couldn't do anything at Columbia except go to school. They've got all sorts of extracurricular stuff, and it costs. If that D had been an A, I might have gotten another scholarship. But it wasn't. And like I said, I really used to drink. You wouldn't believe a nineteen-year-old could drink like that. Much less drink and get anything done. Just before finals I had a breakdown. I wouldn't go outside. I was scared to see people. I nearly killed myself a couple of times. I don't mean suicide. Just with stupid things. Like climbing out on the window ledge when I was really drunk. And once I knocked a radio into a sink full of dishwater. Like that.' He took a breath. 'It was a long time ago. None of that stuff bothers me, really, any more.'

'You Catholic?'

'Naw. Dad was a little ballsy, blue-eyed Georgia Methodist—' that memory's vividness surprised him too— 'when he was anything. We never lived down south, though. He was in the Air Force most of the time when I was a kid. Then he flew private planes for about a year. After that he didn't do much of anything. But that was after mom died…'

'Funny.' Tak shook his head in self-reproach; 'The way you just assume all the small, dark-complected brothers are Catholic. Brought up a Lutheran, myself. What'd you do after the hospital?'

'Worked upstate for a while. DVR — Division of Vocational Rehabilitation — was going to help me get back in school, soon as I got out of Hillside. But I didn't want to. Took a joyride with a friend once that ended up with me spending most of a year cutting trees in Oregon. In Oakland I worked as a grip in a theater. Wasn't I telling you about… No, that was the girl in the park. I traveled a lot; worked on boats. I tried school a couple more times, just on my own — once, in Kansas, for a year, where I had a job as a super for a student building. Then again in Delaware.'

'How far on did you get?'

'Did fine the first term, each place. Fucked up the second. I didn't have another breakdown or anything. I didn't even drink. I just fucked up. I don't fuck up on jobs, though. Just school. I work. I travel. I read a lot. Then I travel some more: Japan. Down to Australia— though that didn't come out too well. Bumming boats down around Mexico and Central America.' He laughed. 'So you see, I'm not a nut. Not a real one, anyway. I haven't been a real nut in a long time.'

'You're here, aren't you?' Tak's Germanic face (with its oddly Negroid nose) mocked gently. 'And you don't know who you are.'

'Yeah, but that's just 'cause I can't remember my—'

'Home again, home again.' Tak turned into a doorway and mounted the wooden steps; he looked back just before he reached the top one. 'Come on.'

There was no lamp post on either corner.

At the end of the block, a car had overturned in a splatter of glass. Nearer, two trucks sat on wheelless hubs — a Ford pickup and a GM cab — windshields and windows smashed. Across the street, above the loading porch, the butcher hooks swung gently on their awning tracks.