'That's all this is?' said Suzie. 'Whoever dies with the most toys wins?'
The Collector shrugged. 'I don't give a damn what happens to any of this stuff once I'm dead and gone. Let it rot, for all I care. I collect because ... it's what I'm good at. The only thing I've ever been good at. And things ... possessions ... can't hurt you. Can't leave you.'
For a moment there, he actually looked human, and vulnerable. It didn't suit him.
'Do you want us to keep quiet about the things we've seen here?' I asked.
'Hell no!' he said immediately, all his usual obnoxiousness returning in a moment. 'Tell everyone! Drive them mad with curiosity and envy! My problem has always been that I can't prove how big my collection is without bringing people here to see it, and, of course, I can't do that. They'd only betray me and try to steal something. There are people who've spent their whole lives plotting how to get in here...'
'You weren't always the Collector,' I said. 'I've seen photos of you, with my father, from when you were both younger. What were you ... before this?'
He looked at me, not bothering to hide his surprise. 'I thought you knew. I worked for the Authorities, along with Walker and your father. Protecting the Nightside. We were all such friends, in those days. We had such plans, such hopes... but in the end it turned out we all had different plans and different hopes. I retired, before they could fire me, and set up on my own. One day I'll own the whole damned Nightside. And then I'll make them listen to me.'
I was so fascinated by what he was saying and its implications that I didn't notice all the robots sneaking up on us. Suzie did. Nothing gets past her. She realized I was mesmerized by the Collector's hints an allusions, and elbowed me firmly in the ribs. I looked up and found we were surrounded by ranks and ranks of the cat-faced robots, standing perfectly still and silent, watching coldly with their glowing cat's eyes. There were hundreds of the damned things. The Collector realized that I'd finally noticed and stopped talking in mid sentence to laugh cheerfully in my face. He was well out of reach, and I had more sense than to try and make a grab for him. The robots looked decidedly ... menacing.
'I had to keep going until enough of my boys arrived,' he said, almost giggling with self-satisfaction. 'You didn't really think you could see my collection and my home, with all its secrets, and live, did you? To hell with Merlin, and the angels; nothing can touch me here. I'm protected by spells and tech beyond your imagination, and Merlin won't catch me napping twice. The Unholy Grail is my greatest prize, the jewel of my collection, and I won't give it up! I'll never give it up! I'D just stay here, safe on the Moon, until all this nonsense has blown over. And long before then, you'll be in no condition to betray my secrets to anyone. Perhaps I'll have what's left of you stuffed and mounted. Something to brighten up the reception area.'
'You'd kill the son of an old friend?' I said.
'Of course,' said the Collector. 'Why not?'
He gestured to the waiting robots, and they surged forward in perfect unison. Suzie opened fire with her shotgun, blasting robots as fast as she could work the pump action. The robots shattered under the bullets' impact, flying apart in showers of steel and brass shrapnel that had us all ducking for cover. Suzie kept firing, grinning fiercely as robots blew apart before her. Either she'd found a whole new kind of ammunition for her gun, or they didn't build robots to last in the future.
It helped that the narrow aisles meant the robots could only come at us a few at a time. Suzie and I put our backs to the wall of crates, while the Collector danced back and forth in the background, crying out miserably as some of his crates were inevitably damaged or destroyed by the exploding robots. Suzie pulled grenades from her belt, and lobbed half a dozen where they'd do the most good. Robots and crates blew apart in bowel-churning explosions, and for a while it seemed to be raining machine parts. The Collector cried out for Suzie to stop, and when she didn't, he ran from crate to crate, prying them open and looking inside, searching for some weapon or device he could use against us. He didn't seem to be having much luck. Suzie reloaded the shotgun from her bandoliers and went back to blowing robots apart like metal ducks in a shooting gallery. She was grinning widely now, her eyes hot and happy.
But the robots kept pressing forward, forward, and there didn't seem to be any end to their numbers. The Collector must have got a job lot. One of them go close enough to take a swipe at me with a clawed hand, and I decided enough was enough. This far from the Nightside, I didn't have to worry about the angels seizing my soul again. So I opened my third eye, my private eye, and used my gift to locate the automatic shutdown commands in the robots' minds. I knew they had to be there. The Collector didn't trust anyone, not even his own creatures. He had to have a way to shut down the robots in case they ever turned against him. I hit the commands I'd found in those clever polymerized cat's brains, and all the robots froze suddenly in mid motion. A few of them had got worryingly close. Suzie slowly lowered the smoking shotgun, took a deep breath, and turned to look at me.
'You could have done that at any time, couldn't you?'
'Actually, yes.'
'Then why did you wait so long!'
'You looked like you were having fun.'
Suzie considered that for a moment, then smiled and nodded. 'You're right. I was. Thank you, Taylor. You always did know how to show a girl a good time.'
'All vicious gossip, rumors and lies,' I said. 'Collector... Collector? Where are you?'
We found him not far away, slumped exhausted and weeping over another open crate. Whatever it held was buried in plastic packing pieces. The Collector stirred them miserably with one hand, then looked up at us. He spat at me, but his heart wasn't in it.
'Look at what you've done ... so many lovely things destroyed... It'll take me weeks just to find out how much I've lost. Bullies, both of you. No respect for art, for the treasures of centuries... And I have weapons here! Great weapons, that would stop even you! I have the Horn of Jericho, Grendel's Bane, even the legendary lost Sword of the Daun. But I can't find them!'
'Show us the Unholy Grail,' I said, not unkindly. 'The sooner you hand it over, the sooner we'll be gone.'
The Collector nodded a few times, sniffing back tears, and finally dug his hands deep into the packing pieces before him.
'I was packing it away when Merlin grabbed me. It is my greatest prize, but... the dark chalice is too disturbing to have around. The air's always cold, the shadows have eyes, and I hear voices, whispering... things. Ah. Here.'
He brought out a small beaten copper bowl, gleaming dully in the subdued lighting. It was dented and dull and not at all impressive. We all looked at it for a long moment, then the Collector offered it to us. I hesitated to touch the thing.
'That's
'What were you expecting?' said the Collector, smiling just a little at one last chance to show off his expertise. 'You thought perhaps it would be some great silver chalice, studded with jewels? Romantic medieval claptrap. The Disciples were a bunch of poor fishermen. This is the kind of thing they drank out of.'
'It's the real deal,' I said. 'I can feel it from here. It's like every bad thought you ever had, wrapped up in one never-ending nightmare.'
'Yeah,' said Suzie. 'Like it's poisoning the air, just by existing.'
The Collector looked at me slyly. 'You could keep it for yourself, Taylor. You could. This simple cup is powerful beyond all your wildest fantasies. It could make you rich, worshipped, adored. It can satisfy every dirty little yearning in your soul. It has the answer to every question you ever had. The truth about your past, your enemies... even your mother.'
I looked at the Unholy Grail, and it was like looking into the heart of temptation. Suzie watched me carefully, but said nothing. She trusted me to do the right thing. And in the end, perhaps it was that trust that gave me the strength to turn away.
'Put it in a bag, Collector. I wouldn't dirty my hands by touching it.'
The Collector pulled an airline carry-on bag out of the packing pieces and stuffed the Unholy Grail into it. He almost seemed relieved. I took the bag and slung the strap over my shoulder.
'Merlin!' I said, raising my voice. 'I know you're listening. We've got it. Bring us home.'
Merlin's magic gathered about us, preparing to teleport Suzie and me back to Strangefellows, and the
