“What?”
She fixes her gaze on me. “It’ll be okay, Jacinda.”
She shakes her head firmly. “You’ll feel connected. Once that happens, does it really matter why or how it happened?”
“It mattered to you before,” I say numbly.
“Things are different now. We’re stuck here. You need to make the best of it.”
“I am. I will. That doesn’t mean I have to get myself bonded.” I close my eyes and rub my eyelids, trying to ease the ache there. Am I really having a conversation with my mother on the pros of bonding in order to escape the pride’s disapproval?
“You can be happy here, can’t you? Cassian—” She stops. I watch her throat work, incredulous over what she’s saying. “Cassian’s not a bad sort. He’s not… quite like his father.”
“The pride would forget everything if you and Cassian just—”
“No! Mom, no!” I resist the temptation to cover my ears with my hands. I’m not hearing this. Not from her.
“I’m not saying right now. In time—”
“I can’t believe you’re saying this!”
She grips my hand, speaks to me in a hard voice. “I can’t protect you anymore, Jacinda. I’ve no power here.”
“And because Cassian does that’s reason enough to barter myself?”
“I’m not suggesting anything you haven’t considered already. I’ve seen you with him. There’s something there.”
I nod slowly. “Maybe. Once.” When there was no one else. No alternative to tempt me. Before I met Will. “Not anymore.”
“Because of Will.” Mom’s eyes spark for a moment with the old vitality. “You can’t be with him. It’s impossible, Jacinda. There’s no chance. He’s not one of us.”
I inhale thinly. “Impossible or not, I can’t consider anyone else. I’d rather be alone.”
“Oh, don’t be naive! He’s a human! A hunter! Let it go! There will be someone else.”
For a moment, the conversation strangely echoes when Mom tried to persuade me to let my draki go, let it wither away. Now she wants me to embrace my draki and forget Will. I shake my head.
Only she’s right. More than she even realizes. Hanging on to Will is foolishness. It’s wrong. I know this. He’s more than an untouchable human. More than a hunter. He’s much worse.
Draki blood runs through his veins. A draki — perhaps several — died in order to sustain his life. Even if his father was responsible for the terrible deed, how could I ever look Will in the eyes again? Touch him? Hold him? Kiss him?
I suppose it’s a good thing I will never face him again. I need to quit hoping, in the darkest shadows of my heart, that he will keep his promise to find me.
“I’ve let him go,” I murmur, my voice soft.
Mom studies me, her expression unconvinced. But then I don’t need to convince her as much as I need to convince myself.
That night in my bed, I stare at the glowing stars Dad helped me decorate the ceiling with years before and gradually begin to feel safe again. The way I felt as a little girl, my parents asleep just down the hall from me. So secure. So protected.
I free my thoughts and find Will. He’s waiting there in my unguarded heart.
Dozing, half asleep, I remember. Remember him — us — those moments before the world crashed down around me. A smile touches my lips as I remember everything. I remember until the longing becomes too much. Until the ache of wanting him becomes too deep, as salty as the warm tears flowing down my cheeks.
“No,” I whisper into the hush of my room even as my heart bleeds. A treacherous part of me forever wants to believe that. “We won’t.”
But then I wake up to the horrible truth again, hiss at the sudden knifing pain to my heart. He won’t have those memories. He won’t remember making that promise to me.
I brush fingers to my trembling lips.
Turning my face, I bite my pillow, stifling the sob that wants to break loose from my chest.
Does he even think about me anymore? Desperately I wonder how much, how far back can he remember? How much of me is gone? Tamra is new at this. Could she have wiped me completely from his memory? I shake my head at the thought. Bite my lip until I taste the tang of my own blood. Releasing the bruised flesh, I tell myself I’m being paranoid. I’ve never heard of a shader who could erase weeks from a person’s mind. It isn’t possible. It can’t be.
In that moment, I know. I have to ask Tamra. I have to find out if she knows how much memory she took from Will. How much of me she erased from his heart.
Rolling to my side, I feel a small measure of comfort. Tomorrow. I’ll ask her tomorrow.
Somehow this decision makes me feel better. Gives me something to look forward to even though nothing she says will change anything.
Will is miles away in Chaparral. And I’ll still be here.
When I step out on our porch the following morning, I release a deep breath of relief, glad to see our watchdogs have been called off. I guess Severin decided yesterday’s chat was enough to keep me in line.
It’s still early. A thick fog clings low to the ground, hugging my calves and rising up in a thinner mist as I set out for Nidia’s cottage, determined to ask Tamra if she thinks she succeeded in shading Will and the others. It was her first time, after all. How can she be sure she knew what she was doing?
Jabel’s dog barks. I quicken my pace, imagining I see the blinds shift. I don’t want to get stuck talking to Cassian’s aunt. I look over my shoulder, wondering if she’s the reason Severin sent our bodyguards home. It’s convenient, after all, to have the watchful eyes of his sister across the street from us.
I should have been looking where I was going. A cry escapes me as I collide hard with another body.
Hands reach out and steady me. I blow messy hair from my face and gaze upon Corbin, Jabel’s son.
“Jacinda,” he greets. “Nice to have you back.” His mouth lifts in a smile that doesn’t seem real, but then it never has.
Corbin and I are the same age — we’ve been in the same classes since primary school. But we were never close. He was always mean-spirited, cheating at school and games. Playing cruel pranks on those smaller. When it became clear I was a fire-breather, he’d suddenly changed his tune and tried cozying up to me, but by then I knew the real Corbin.
He resembles his uncle Severin. Much more than Cassian does. It’s the eyes. Corbin and Severin possess the same dead eyes. If possible, he’s grown in my absence. He stands almost as tall as Cassian now. I step from the clasp of his hands and try not to appear intimidated.
“Where you headed?” he asks.
I bristle, thinking how his mom is probably spying on us as we stand here. How he was probably lying in wait for me to leave my house. “Why? Have you been assigned to guard me?”
He gives me what I guess is a flirty smile. “Do you need a bodyguard?”
I shake my head, regretting my defensiveness. If I act like a prisoner, that’s how they’ll treat me. “I’m going to see my sister.”
