Butter Safe Than Sorry

“So do I.”

“Somebody else is going to get all the glory.”

“They’ll also have to put up with you.”

That did it. I was out of there like fleas on a freshly lathered dog. Agnes Miller had a few things to learn about friendship and loyalty; too bad that I didn’t have the time to set her straight just then. At least my soaring blood pressure could be put to good use at my next stop of the day.

It is twelve miles and half a century from Hernia to Bedford. Even Hernia’s non-Amish population lags behind the rest of country in its mores and outlook, and somehow this spiritual quality is manifested in the physical. The end result is that one actually can feel the culture shock when passing the sign that says Welcome to Bedford. If I may speak frankly, it may as well say Welcome to Sodom and Gomorrah.

As I did every time I ventured into this den of iniquity, I prayed for strength and patience (not the strongest of my virtues). The latter is my least-answered prayer. I haven’t the foggiest what it feels like to have it answered; I certainly didn’t feel any different that day. With the economy still deep in the loo, I didn’t have to worry about finding a parking space at my bank; neither did I have to wait to speak to the bank manager himself.

Mr. Pernicious Yoder III was at first very gracious and even offered me a Styrofoam cup of tepid coffee.

“Cream and sugar?” I asked hopefully.

“I have packaged whitener that tastes like chalk and a pink sweetener with a bitter aftertaste.”

“Ix-nay on ink-pay, but I always carry some extra packets of Splenda in my purse. Would you like a couple?”

His nose literally wrinkled. It was like watching an albino inchworm trying to get away from itself.

“Uh-no, thanks.”

“They haven’t been opened, dear. Besides, I gave my purse a thorough cleaning since the hamster died.”

“It died in your purse?”

“Heavens no! But that’s where my son-he’s only four-put it-it was his, you know-so that I would find it and make it better. Unfortunately, that was just before he and his dad were going off to spend the weekend with some friends on a male-only camping trip. The little tyke didn’t know it was dead-he’s not very clear on that subject yet-and that just so happened to be the weekend I decided to stay home and put up my tootsies. So you see I had no need for a pocketbook.”

“Please, might we change the subject?”

“Certainly.” I flashed him a much-practiced winning smile. “Cousin Yoder-”

Persnickety Pernicious held up a manicured hand. “I must insist that you address me as Mr. Yoder, as we have no proven bonds of kinship.”

“Au contraire. I have done my homework. My adopted father and your father were double-first cousins. My adopted mother was a third cousin once removed to your father and fifth cousins two ways to your mother-just not through the Yoders. My biological father was a fourth cousin twice removed to your father as well as a fifth cousin in another line, and my biological mother showed five cousin relationships six generations back. Ergo, it wouldn’t surprise me if you and I were brother and sister, by at least some arcane system of calculation, somewhere on this globe.”

“Oy vey,” he groaned, revealing yet another possible connection, “you wouldn’t happen to have some aspirin, or other type of headache medicine, in that miniature sarcophagus of yours, would you?”

“But I thought-”

“You have a way of making a man desperate; two minutes with you has given me the mother of all migraines. Indeed, we must be related.”

“Very funny.” I fished around until I found a couple of loose ibuprofen. I picked off a long light brown hair. “This is the best I can do, dear. Although I could give you Sermon Number Thirty-seven- that’s what my sister called it, at any rate-on appropriate premarital sexual behavior. Susannah used to claim that it put her in a coma. You probably wouldn’t feel much pain in a coma.”

He grabbed the pills from my hand and swallowed them without as much as a sip of water. “Thank you. Now, could you please get to the point of your business?”

“Very well.” I took a seat opposite his glass-topped desk, smoothed my skirt, and silently repeated my prayer for patience. “As you know, my miracle baby and I were here the day of the robbery-”

His hand went up again. “Ah, ah, ah, it was not a bank robbery, Ms. Yoder. My capable guards and I foiled the plot quite handedly, if I must say so, despite your crude attempt at a civilian’s bum rush, which almost resulted in disaster. In fact, as a result of your irresponsible action, one of my most valuable employees was gravely wounded.” He removed his glasses with his other hand and massaged the indentations on the bridge of his nose. “Frankly, the jury’s still out on whether or not the bank will sue on this young lady’s behalf.”

“Sue? Sue whom?”

“Why, sue you, of course.”

“Moi? It was your guards who stood around, just staring, as immobile as fence posts until I took action on my son’s behalf. It’s me who should be suing you!”

He blinked rapidly, as if trying to dislodge an airborne dust particle from his left eye. In fact, so vigorously did he attend to this matter, and whilst making such contorted faces, that one might conclude that he was trying to remove a clod of dirt from that unfortunate peeper.

“Would you like me to look at it for you?” I asked.

“No. I’m fine.” Eventually his eye filled with tears and he stopped rubbing. “Now where were we?”

“You had just said something ridiculously untrue.”

“To the contrary, Ms. Yoder. My security guards are top notch, trained with the best-Israeli profiling methods, in fact. I’m afraid you have no case.”

“Case, shmase,” I said. “That’s not why I’m here. I’m here to help you discover the identity of those three men, and in order to do that, I need to review the security tape.”

“Uh-I’m afraid that’s impossible, Miss Yoder.”

“Why?”

“Well, uh-security reasons-yes, that’s it.”

“What? That doesn’t make a lick of sense.”

“Really, Miss Yoder, I’m not at liberty to talk about this further. But my final answer is no. N-O, no.”

I am a modest, God- fearing Mennonite woman, but it has recently occurred to me that the Good Lord in His wisdom had a plan when He created women with external mammary glands that are visible-and generally pleasing to the eye-the year around. We are, in fact, the only species of animal in which this phenomenon is found naturally. Even the cow has to be “freshened” (give birth) in order to have her nice, full udder. (Think about it: you don’t see virgin cats and dogs walking around with boobies, now do you?) My conclusion therefore is that human breasts were meant to be alluring, a definite asset in attracting a mate.

But since they didn’t come with owners’ manuals, one might be given a little latitude when it comes to using them, especially if the end justifies the means. That said, I undid the button at my throat-okay, I undid the next button as well. Even then one still couldn’t see the twin sisters, but my collar slumped a bit, causing a crease to form across the curvature of the left sister and drawing attention to its comely, although well-covered shape. One could argue that the effect was akin to showing an ankle back in “the day,” and that effect, I’m told, was exceedingly strong.

At any rate, desperate is as desperate does, so I waggled my bosoms at Pernicious Yoder III. Of course my sturdy Christian underwear prevented me from performing a truly Democratic liberal waggle; what transpired was more like a Republican joust.

“What’s wrong, Miss Yoder? Are you having a back spasm?”

This time I tried a provocative thrust of my bosom.

“Heart attack? I don’t know CPR, but I can get Ken from accounting.”

“Isn’t he the one who made it into the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most cold sores at one time?”

“No, it turns out that Guinness wasn’t willing to create that category.”

I buttoned my blouse all the way. “I have a right to see that tape since I’m on it.”

“Get out of my office, you tramp! Get out now, or this tape”-he pointed to the camera behind my head-“is going to be on the six o’clock news.”

4

Of course I hied my hinnie from the bank, but not without first making a couple of detours. Tramps are, after all, noted for their restless, wandering natures.

“Psst, Amy-over here. Behind the sickly ficus tree.”

She paid no attention to me.

I hefted the tree. It wasn’t sick at all; it was merely a very poorly made replica. Since there were still no customers to be seen, I picked up the faux ficus and walked it within whispering distance of the teller’s counter.

“Psst, Amy, it’s a miracle. Behold, thy tree speaketh.”

At least she had wit enough to giggle. “Miss Yoder, you’re going to get me into big trouble.”

“I’m not here, Amy. And if you get called on the carpet for speaking to a tree, then sue the bank for discrimination.”

“Just so you know, I’m not allowed to talk about the robbery.”

“Why, shiver me timbers! I haven’t even mentioned that. Who put you up to this?”

The poor girl glanced furtively around. “No one put me up to this-it’s just ever since the robbery, I’ve been under investigation, and I’m not allowed to talk about it. That’s all.”

“Who exactly gave that order? The police? The FBI?”

If I hadn’t been watching Amy’s face closely through the fake-ficus foliage, I would have missed the twitch in her left eyebrow that was just as informative, to anyone who knew her, as a red- lettered campaign poster.

“Your boss?” I mouthed silently.

“Bingo,” she answered.

Then again, if Amy was any less skilled in the silent-clue department than I, she might have thought I was asking if Kate Moss was the one giving orders. In that case, she might have decided to give me a nonsensical answer, such as the name of an Australian wild dog. Before I could retest her, one of the security guards approached.

“What’s going on?” he said.

“Nothing,” Amy said. It was a wise answer, one used by millions of teenagers every day. To be sure, some of them get away with it, so why not Amy?

“What’s this tree doing so close to the counter?” he said.

“Uh-well, sir, since I’m stuck inside all day, I kinda miss greenery, but when I look at this tree-even if it is fake-I feel better.”