Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

Every single relationship expert disagrees with this.

Aaron Beck, noted marriage authority, says that one of the most destructive beliefs for a relationship is “If we need to work at it, there’s something seriously wrong with our relationship.”

Says John Gottman, a foremost relationship researcher: “Every marriage demands an effort to keep it on the right track; there is a constant tension … between the forces that hold you together and those that can tear you apart.”

As with personal achievement, this belief—that success should not need effort—robs people of the very thing they to make their relationship thrive. It’s probably why so many relationships go stale—because people believe that being in love means never having to do anything taxing.

MIND READING

Part of the low-effort belief is the idea that couples should be able to read each other’s minds: We are like one. My partner should know what I think, feel, and need and I should know what my partner thinks, feels, and needs. But this is impossible. Mind reading instead of communicating inevitably backfires.

Elayne Savage, noted family psychologist, describes Tom and Lucy. After three months together, Tom informed Lucy that there was an imbalance in their relationship. Lucy, reading his mind, decided Tom meant that he was less into the relationship than she was. She felt discouraged. Should she break off the relationship before he did? However, after a therapy session, Lucy got up the courage to find out what he meant. Tom, it turned out, had been using a musical term to convey his wish to fine-tune the relationship and move it to the next level.

I almost fell into the same trap. My husband and I had met a few months before, and everything seemed to be going great. Then one evening, as we were sitting together, he said to me, “I need more space.” Everything went blank. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was I completely mistaken about the relationship? Finally, I summoned my courage. “What do you mean?” I asked. He said, “I need you to move over so I can have more room.” I’m glad I asked.

AGREEING ON EVERYTHING

It’s strange to believe in mind reading. But it makes sense when you realize that many people with a fixed mindset believe that a couple should share all of each other’s views.

If you do, then you don’t need communication; you can just assume your partner sees things the way you do.

Raymond Knee and his colleagues had couples come in and discuss their views of their relationship. Those with the fixed mindset felt threatened and hostile after talking about even minor discrepancies in how they and their partner saw their relationship. Even a minor discrepancy threatened their belief that they shared all of each other’s views.

It’s impossible for a couple to share all of each other’s assumptions and expectations. One may assume the wife will stop working and be supported; the other, that she will be an equal breadwinner. One may assume they will have a house in the suburbs, the other that they will have a bohemian love nest.

Michael and Robin had just finished college and were about to get married. He was the bohemian-love-nest type. He imagined that after they were married, they’d enjoy the young, hip Greenwich Village life together. So when he found the ideal apartment, he thought she’d be delighted. When she saw it, she went berserk. She’d been living in crummy little apartments all her life, and here it was all over again. Married people were supposed to live in nice houses with new cars parked outside. They both felt betrayed, and it didn’t get any better from there.

Couples may erroneously believe they agree on each person’s rights and duties. Fill in the blank:

“As a husband, I have a right to _____, and my wife has the duty to _____.”

“As a wife, I have a right to_____, and my husband has the duty to _____.”

Few things can make partners more furious than having their rights violated. And few things can make a partner more furious than having the other feel entitled to something you don’t think is coming to them.

John Gottman reports: “I’ve interviewed newlywed men who told me with pride, ‘I’m not going to wash the dishes, no way. That’s a woman’s job.’ Two years later the same guys ask me, ‘Why don’t my wife and I have sex anymore?’ ”

Now, a couple may agree on traditional roles. That’s up to them. But that’s different from assuming it as an entitlement.

When Janet (a financial analyst) and Phil (a real estate agent) met, he had just gotten a new apartment and was thinking he’d like to have a housewarming party, a dinner for a bunch of his friends. When Janet said, “Let’s do it,” he was thrilled. Her emphasis was on the “ ’s,” the us. Because she was the more experienced cook and party giver, however, she did most of the preparation, and she did it gladly. She was delighted to see how happy he was to be having this event. The problem started after the guests arrived. Phil just went to the party. He acted like a guest. Like she was supposed to continue doing all the work. She was enraged.

The mature thing to do would have been to take him aside to have a discussion. Instead, she decided to teach him a lesson. She, too, went to the party. Fortunately, entitlement and retaliation did not become a pattern in their relationship. Communication did. In the future, things were discussed, not assumed.

A no-effort relationship is a doomed relationship, not a great relationship. It takes work to communicate accurately and it takes work to expose and resolve conflicting hopes and beliefs. It doesn’t mean there is no “they lived happily ever after,” but it’s more like “they worked happily ever after.”

2. Problems Indicate Character Flaws

The second big difficulty with the fixed mindset is the belief that problems are a sign of deep-seated flaws. But just as there are no great achievements without setbacks, there are no great relationships without conflicts and problems along the way.

When people with a fixed mindset talk about their conflicts, they assign blame. Sometimes they blame themselves, but often they blame their partner. And they assign blame to a trait—a character flaw.

But it doesn’t end there. When people blame their partner’s personality for the problem, they feel anger and disgust toward them.

And it barrels on: Since the problem comes from fixed traits, it can’t be solved.

So once people with the fixed mindset see flaws in their partners, they become contemptuous of them and dissatisfied with the whole relationship. (People with the growth mindset, on the other hand, can see their partners’ imperfections and still think they have a fine relationship.)

Sometimes people with the fixed mindset blind themselves to problems in the partner or the relationship so they won’t have to go that route.

Everybody thought Yvonne was having a flirtation. She was getting mysterious phone calls. She was often late picking up the kids. Her “nights out with the girls” doubled. Her mind was often elsewhere. Her husband, Char, said she was just going through a phase. “All women go through times like this,” he insisted. “It doesn’t mean she’s got a guy.”

Charlie’s best friend urged him to look into it. But Charlie felt that if he confronted the reality—and it was negative—his world would come crashing down. In the fixed mindset, he’d have to confront the idea that either (1) the woman he loved was a bad person, (2) he was a bad person and drove her away, or (3) their relationship was bad and irreparable.

He couldn’t handle any of those. It didn’t occur to him that there were problems that could be solved, that she was sending him a message she desperately wanted him to hear: Don’t take me for granted. I need more attention.

A growth mindset doesn’t mean he would necessarily confront her, but he would confront it—the situation. He’d think about what was wrong. Maybe explore the issue with a counselor. Make an informed decision about what to do next. If there were problems to be solved, at least there’d be a chance.

EACH ONE A LOSER

Penelope’s friends sat at home complaining that there were no good men. Penelope went out and found them. Each time, she would find a great guy and fall head over heels. “He’s the one,” she’d tell her friends as she began reading the bridal magazines and practically writing the announcement for the local paper. They’d believe her