But Inside I'm Screaming

A moment later, giving in to her exhaustion she says, in a whisper, “I couldn’t do it anymore.”

“Couldn’t do what?” Larry softly urges her on.

“I was on one of those Habitrail wheels they have in gerbil’s cages, you know?” she starts, looking back up at Larry. “I couldn’t keep running on the wheel. I couldn’t live anymore, disappointing so many people like I was.”

“Who? Who were you disappointing?”

Isabel pauses once more and then slowly begins bailing out the water that is sinking her.

“My marriage is over so I’m sure my husband’s disappointed with me. My parents have been disappointed in me for as long as I can remember, I screwed up majorly at work so I know my boss is disappointed in me…” She trails off, knowing she hasn’t scratched the surface.

“Keep going, Isabel. We’re listening.”

“It’s hard to explain.”

Isabel turns her head from Larry to the empty chair. She stares at it for a long minute.

“For me that chair represents all that I expected of myself,” she says sadly. “I was supposed to be perfect.”

Nine

Isabel had been friends with Casey since the third grade. They were close in the way a rose befriends the stake that is meant to help it stand tall. As time passes stalk and stake become interchangeable: they take turns propping each other up, bending into each other with every gust of wind.

When Casey found a lump in her breast it was Isabel she called first.

“Will you come with me for the biopsy?”

“Of course.” Isabel stifled her tears and nodded into the phone.

“You’re crying, aren’t you?” Casey asked.

“No,” Isabel lied. “I think I have a cold.”

“You can’t cry. You’re not allowed to cry right now. I need you to be the strong one. If you cry I’m gonna start freaking out. And you’ve seen me freaking out. It ain’t pretty.”

“Okay, okay.” Isabel sobered up. “When’s the appointment?”

“Tuesday. I’ve got to be there at eight in the morning. I think they said it’d only be a couple of hours.”

“You’re staying in the hospital, right?”

“No. It’s outpatient. I’m going to need you to drive me home and put me to bed. They said I’d be really groggy.”

“Tuesday. No problem. I’ll be there with bells on. Where are you having it done, by the way? UCSF?”

“Yeah.”

“So, what’re you doing tonight? Want to go to a movie? Your pick, Lumpy.”

Casey laughed. “No, thanks. I think I’m just going to take a nice long hot bath until my fingers get all shriveled.”

“I’m coming over.”

“Okay, bye.”

“Bye.”

“Isabel? I’m assuming you’re on your way. It’s 7:50. If you’re not on your way, you’re in big trouble. I think I just heard a car door slam. That’s probably you. Bye.”

“Okay, it’s 8:05. Where are you?”

“I’ve called a cab. I hope you were in an accident or something. That’s the only thing that’s going to keep me from killing you later.”

“After the crash of TWA Flight 800, the FAA intensified its scrutiny of center fuel tanks, not only in 747s but in other, older, aircraft with similar design. Then, an alarming discovery. On Sunday, Boeing notified the FAA that recent inspections had turned up a high degree of wear and tear on wiring in and around fuel tanks in three 737s. Now, airlines have a seven day deadline to inspect and replace wiring and conduits in certain pieces of equipment. Sixty days for others.”

Isabel Murphy, KXTY, San Francisco.

“Okay, great job, guys,” Isabel said, rubbing her cold hands together. “I’m heading back to the station for the conference call.”

“Fine,” said Mike, her cameraman. “But you’ll have a lot of time to make it there. The conference call isn’t till tomorrow.”

“What’re you talking about? It’s always on Wednesdays. When did they change that?”

“Since today’s Tuesday they didn’t have to.”

“Today’s Tuesday?”

Oh, my God. Casey.

Ten

Casey was propped up in bed.

Isabel, shamed, buried her head in her hands. “Casey, I’m so sorry. Words can’t express how sorry I am. It’s just…”

“You got called to do a story,” Casey sighed. “I know the drill by now. I never should have asked you to take me.”

Isabel shook her head emphatically before her friend had finished the thought. “Don’t say that! I feel terrible, okay? Nothing you can say would make me feel worse. Tell me how I can make it up to you.”

“How can you make it up to me? Jesus! I went to have a lump removed from my breast and you weren’t there and now you wonder how you can make it up to me? You blew me off for my own biopsy. What else am I going to think but that you don’t give a shit about your friends? You’ve always been Miss Career Woman and I understand that. I’ve been your biggest supporter. You know that. But this was important. This was a goddamn biopsy. And you totally forgot. And it’s not like this is the first time that’s happened. Every week you’re standing one of us up. I talked to Nancy last week and she said she was waiting at the cafe for forty-five minutes before she finally gave up and left. And Paula went to the movies alone three weeks ago, after buying you a ticket and waiting outside the theater through the first half of the film practically. At the rate you’re going you’re not going to have any friends left! Are you even listening to me? Furthermore, you haven’t even asked me about the surgery.”

“That’s because you laid into me the minute I walked in the door.”

“Can you blame me?”

“No. No, I can’t.”

They looked at each other.

“How was the surgery?” Isabel asked.

“It sucked, if you must know. And now both my boobs are sore. I don’t know why they both are since they only worked on one. But thanks for asking.”

“Casey, I know I screwed up. It kills me that I let you down. You have every right to be pissed off at me. I’m pissed off at me, too. I don’t know why I’m such a terrible friend. I don’t mean to be. I love you like a sister. I would do anything for you—don’t make that face. I would. Something happens when work calls me. I can’t explain it. It’s like work overrides everything else in my brain. Like I don’t have room for anything else but work. I wish it weren’t true but it is.”

Isabel started to cry but continued through tears.

“I am so sorry. I hate that I let you down. I will never forgive myself for this. For all of it. Please forgive me. Please?”

“Aw, Iz. Don’t cry,” Casey said from the bed. “I’d hug you if I could but I’m afraid I’d ooze pus.”